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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not wear anything in bed ....?

108 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2011 10:18

I've never worn anything to sleep in - it makes me hot and uncomfortable and I can't sleep properly.

I have a lovely step daughter who is 7. I have been in her life since she was 15 months old and I would like to say that we are close. Her mum is fine and we've never had any issues. Its all pretty friendly and civil.

My dsd stays over one night per week and two nights every other weekend and half the school holidays. She is an early riser and will come into our bedroom in the morning and invariably climbs into bed for a cuddle with DH.

DH received an email from his ex saying that dsd had mentioned I don't wear any clothes and would it be possible for me to wear some pj's because she thinks its inappropriate for dsd to see me naked Confused

We are a very "open" family but I appreciate that dsd's mum does things differently (she has, for example, always shut the bathroom door when she goes to the loo/showers). I personally find it slightly odd, but each to their own ..

I was initially quite angry at the prospect of being told what to wear in my own bed but AIBU ?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/01/2011 10:21

YANBU. I understand the ex's discomfort, but she has no right to give instructions as to what you should wear in any situation. Very strange.

walesblackbird · 27/01/2011 10:21

I think seeing you naked is one thing - having her in your bed when you're naked is something completely different.

I have three children all of whom see both me and their dad without clothes but if they get into bed with us then we always make sure we're wearing something. It just doesn't feel right otherwise.

slightlymad72 · 27/01/2011 10:24

Got to agree with blackbird. I sleep with nothing on, the bathroom door is unlocked when showering but if my kids want to climb in bed with us, we always make sure that we put some PJs on first.

AtYourCervix · 27/01/2011 10:25

you've known her from a baby, you are a constant in her life. she's seen you naked that whole time. I think it's not weird at all. in a short while she'll get all embarrased and teenagery ver nudity anyway and won't want to climb into bed any more.

why would seing you nude and climbing into bed for a hug nude be different? that's odd thinking.

Fillybuster · 27/01/2011 10:26

Would sleeping in something minimal (like a pair of knickers) make a difference? I suspect it might...and shouldn't make you too hot. Or you could just have a tshirt by the bed and pull it on when DSD come in.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2011 10:27

Ok - I hadn't thought about the bed thing being the issue.

How does it work then ? Do you sleep naked and then get up and put PJ's on when the dc's come into the room ? I'm usually still sleeping really - she always goes round DH's side of the bed and lies on his side (i.e. not in the middle), so I often don't even really wake up (she often comes in at 5.30-6 am - I'm pretty zonked at that time after being up with ds a few times in the night !)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2011 10:28

I'd have no problem wearing a pair of knickers. Maybe I could buy a vest as well ? I suppose I'd get used to it pretty quickly

OP posts:
walesblackbird · 27/01/2011 10:28

My husband sleeps naked but keeps a pair of boxers by the side of the bed. When one of the children comes in he just puts them on. Still sleeps naked though as he doesn't feel comfortable wearing anything.

AtYourCervix · 27/01/2011 10:29

why though? why is bed different? i don't get it. unless there is an undercurrent of something weird and sexual about being nude in bed with a child.

DizzyKipper · 27/01/2011 10:30

It wouldn't be unreasonable if DSD was staying above the covers, letting her get into bed with you whilst naked isn't particularly nice and I can understand her mum not liking it. I think you should respect the mum's wishes and either stop letting DSD getting under the covers with you whilst naked or put some clothes on before she does. This isn't just about you, it's about the DSD as well and frankly the mum does have some right to give input to what she feels is appropriate or not relating to the DSD - for this situation if she feels it's inappropriate I'd respect her wishes.

walesblackbird · 27/01/2011 10:31

I think when they're babies it's different. Nothing better for a little one than skin to skin contact. But I do think that as they get older it just becomes less appropriate to be naked in bed with your children. Maybe it's just a personal thing but it's not something that I feel particularly comfortable about. Thinking about it I guess looking and seeing is one thing - but touching is different, particularly as children get older and become more body conscious.

Seona1973 · 27/01/2011 10:32

both me and dh sleep nude and the kids (4 and 7) get into bed with us in the morning. They dont know anything different so its not an issue.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 27/01/2011 10:33

This has worried me a bit actually.

DH and I sleep naked for comfort and at weekends when we have a lie in, the kids will pile in, taking their wet pyjama nappy things of first so we are all naked together!

All five of us - DD will still be in her grobag and moses basket next to bed.

Is this bad then? Confused

LadyOfTheFlowers · 27/01/2011 10:33

They are age 5 and under.

AtYourCervix · 27/01/2011 10:33

take the step bit out of the equation though. is it really weird to not care about cuddling your own children with no clothes on in bed? am i the weird one for finding the thought of needing to put clothes between us bizarre?

AnyFuleKno · 27/01/2011 10:34

I would wear PJs in bed if dd were to get in with me - because she has the iciest coldest feet ever and likes to warm them up on me Hmm

Seona1973 · 27/01/2011 10:34

if your dh is wearing something in bed and she gets in his side then why should you being nude be a problem - its not as if she is looking under the covers at you

bubbleandsqueaks · 27/01/2011 10:37

YANBU IMHO.

I sleep naked and dd's come into bed with me every morning.

Why would this be strange?

If you have raised dsd as your own, which it sounds as though you have then you would naturally act in front of her as you would your own dc. It would be odd if you had meet her when she was 7 and then started this but having grown up this way its the natural thing to do.

I think you are to be congratulated for having this relationship with your dsd and I'm Sad that you are being made to feel this way when you have obviously worked hard to create such a good relationship with your dsd

Fillybuster · 27/01/2011 10:38

My parents were always very relaxed about being naked around us when we were little as they felt it was important to be open and not give the impression there was anything 'wrong' with our bodies. But they started covering up just a little bit (pants/knickers) when I turned 7/8 as I started noticing/commenting on it and they felt that teaching a modicum of modesty was also important.

I sleep just in knickers and happily let my dcs (5 and under) see me like that, but I do think I will start covering up a little bit more when DS get a little bit older....

I do think there is something about the fact that she is the OPs DSD which means the mothers opinion should also be heard, but not in a way that causes any strain on the relationship between the OP and DSD. I also think that its the bed thing thats the main issue.

beijingaling · 27/01/2011 10:39

I think the need to put clothes on to be in bed with your child is odd too cervix.

YANBU but to keep everyone happy I would sleep in knickers and vest (which is what I do when DSC come to visit).

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2011 10:39

LadyoftheFlowers - that's what happens in our house as well (with my own dc's) I don't see a problem with it at all but obviously its slightly different is dsd's mum has a problem with it.

Seona - that's what I think as well. She's not anywhere near me. She sees me briefly when I get out of bed to put my dressing gown on. To be fair, I suspect dsd's mum doesn't know the specifics and just thinks she's cuddling me and that's why she has a problem with it ?

OP posts:
bubbleandsqueaks · 27/01/2011 10:40

LadyOfTheFlowers - No it's not bad, it's lovly. You are obv.a close family with no body hang ups.

Don't let other peoples issues ruin this lovely family time for you.

When the time comes to start wearing clothes you will know and it will feel natural to do so

2rebecca · 27/01/2011 10:40

My kids especially my son reached an age when they were more comfortable coming into bed with me with clothes on. They used to hand me my dressing gown hung up on bedroom door for me to put on before coming into bed. My husband their stepfather sleeps naked and generally my kids didn't come in bed if he was there as well, but we got together long after the kids had finished with nappies. School age kids tend to be less keen on naked parents and naked step parents. I'd cover up if stepkids around.
Naked step parents of the opposite sex can cause arguments with the other parent and for us felt a bit awkward to all concerned.

cantspel · 27/01/2011 10:44

She has requested that the op puts something on which is fine as it clearly is begining to bother the daughter or she wouldn't have mentioned it.

It is different when they are young as they have no idea of nudity and their and other peoples bodies but the daughter is clearly growing up and is now more aware.

For the daughters sake put something on.

2rebecca · 27/01/2011 10:45

I'm surprised she's getting up at 5.30 age 7. I hate being woken early in the morning and my kids would be marched back to bed at that hour