Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not wear anything in bed ....?

108 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2011 10:18

I've never worn anything to sleep in - it makes me hot and uncomfortable and I can't sleep properly.

I have a lovely step daughter who is 7. I have been in her life since she was 15 months old and I would like to say that we are close. Her mum is fine and we've never had any issues. Its all pretty friendly and civil.

My dsd stays over one night per week and two nights every other weekend and half the school holidays. She is an early riser and will come into our bedroom in the morning and invariably climbs into bed for a cuddle with DH.

DH received an email from his ex saying that dsd had mentioned I don't wear any clothes and would it be possible for me to wear some pj's because she thinks its inappropriate for dsd to see me naked Confused

We are a very "open" family but I appreciate that dsd's mum does things differently (she has, for example, always shut the bathroom door when she goes to the loo/showers). I personally find it slightly odd, but each to their own ..

I was initially quite angry at the prospect of being told what to wear in my own bed but AIBU ?

OP posts:
MollysChambers · 27/01/2011 15:55

welshandproud I agree.

Lamorna · 27/01/2011 16:05

I don't see it as a problem. DSD will regulate it herself, when she feels uncomfortable she will stop getting into bed with you. I find it comes from the DC, they start wanting privacy and at the same time they give you privacy.

bubbleandsqueaks · 27/01/2011 16:17

I also agree with welshandproud.

I find some of the attitudes on here very sad and feel sorry for the children being raised in some of the households where the fear of being suspected of abuse comes between them and their parents - what a horrible way to live.

I teach dd1 (3 yo) that her vulva is private, I can do this and still be naked in front of her. I am not crossing any boundaries and nor is dh.

When the time comes to cover up we will and it will feel natural to do so.

Lamorna · 27/01/2011 16:35

My point exactly bubbleandsqueak, it isn't anything to fuss about, the cover up is a natural progression, you don't really notice it happening, it just occurs to you one day that it has.
We don't wear anything in bed, having clothes ready seems odd-do you have to say 'hang on a tick' or do you do contortions under the bed clothes?

welshandproud · 27/01/2011 16:40

I dont have a great body image but i feel it is important that my children are not ashamed of their bodies. I don't flaunt my nudity but nor do i wont to promote feelings of shyness or uncomfortableness with what and who they are. My DD1 is now 12. She regularly sees me,DP(stepdad), her dad and his wife naked. It has shown her in a very natural,unforced way how different all our bodies are. The human body does not make her feel uncomfortable yet. She still dances round naked most evenings before bed and every morning on the way to her shower. Long may that continue although i fear the reality of puberty will hit soon.
I know some of you society might be outraged my this but my DP was in bath with our 3 youngest last night, all under 4,i wouldn't have had any problem with DD1 squeezing in too if she had wanted to.She actually sat on the floor and played with them instead.

Original poster
Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2011 16:47

Thanks for all the comments. Obviously everyone has different ideas as to what is acceptable and on the basis her mum believes it isn't, then I will invest in something to wear when she is here.

FWIW, I don't think dsd is uncomfortable with it. I believe she just commented on the fact that I don't wear pj's and her mum does. She also made some comment about how she wondered whether her mum's tummy looked the same as mine or not (i.e. flabby and wrinkly Blush Smile).

With regard to the toilet, I shut the door in front of dh and try to escape to poo in peace but ultimately, if my dc's follow me into the toilet (which they invariably do), I certainly don't make a big deal of shoving them out of the door and shutting it. When I said I find it odd, I just meant very different to how we do things in our house, not necessarily that our way was right and hers was wrong.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 27/01/2011 18:11

I've always just gone in the toilet and shut and locked the door. I especially lock the door if small kids likely to follow me in, unless small enough they need watching, although playpen/travel cot was handy place to put small kids who need keeping out of harms way for 5 minutes.
I don't view going to the loo as a communal experience.

walkinZombie · 27/01/2011 18:23

this is a toughie, If I was his ex, I would be uncomnfortable , but I would demand anything.

LaWeaselMys · 27/01/2011 18:29

I think that a) the kid is uncomfortable, and in these types of situations it should be child led if the kid is uncomfortable it doesn't matter what you think/want you put some clothes on and respect her feelings.
b) step families are complicated enough without getting into a row about something so irrelevant, let it go.

LaWeaselMys · 27/01/2011 18:30

X-post. Seems sensible!

expatinscotland · 27/01/2011 18:40

'know some of you society might be outraged my this but my DP was in bath with our 3 youngest last night, all under 4,i wouldn't have had any problem with DD1 squeezing in too if she had wanted to.She actually sat on the floor and played with them instead.'

Does he have dwarfism? Because our bath wouldn't fit my 6-foot-tall, 10 stone husband and our 3 children.

Now DD1 is 7, she is 4ft., 5in. and the three children don't fit comfortably in our bath, so I'm teaching her to shower herself (she's dyspraxic and not the world's most coordinated person).

I don't take baths and neither does DH, so we've never bathed with the children.

So what?

How is someone's preference for wearing clothes 'oppressive'?

Some folks like to walk around naked, others don't. Big whoop. How is one better than the other?

Respect for your body comes from inside, no matter what you're wearing (or not).

comewhinewithme · 27/01/2011 18:40

As a child I was in a similar situation.
My aunt and I were very close she is my Godmother and I spent a lot of time with her as a child.
I can remember getting into bed with her in the mornings and she was naked and I didn't mind then I got to about 7/8 and became very uncomfortable with it.
My Mum told her and she wore pj's from then on and it was all good.
I sleep naked now but cover up if the older dc come in the room.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2011 18:41

I have an excellent body image. Always have, my folks gave it to me by teaching me how wonderful 'me' is, and they didn't need to walk round naked to do so.

FudgeGirl · 27/01/2011 18:59

I'm shocked that some people think you need to be naked in front of children to show them how to have a "good" body image Hmm

It's one thing teaching your child that your body is nothing to be ashamed of, but I don't think that means you have to parade about, dance naked, sleep naked or anything else to do this.

Fine if some people want to, but nobody has any right to tell someone who doesn't want to be naked in front of their children that they are wrong or oppressed!

I'd sit and talk to my mum while she had a bath right into my teenage years. But I'd go out to give her some peace to have a wash/shave her legs etc even when I was quite little - or she would ask me to!

We'd even go in the same cubicle when we were out, but she wouldn't parade around naked or sleep naked in front of us as kids - doesn't mean she gave me any hang ups, it's what she was comfortable with.

Surely everyone can decide on a degree of privacy suitable to their needs - some may need little or no privacy in terms of being naked or going to the loo, others may not want to be naked in front of children - but that doesn't make them weird, odd or oppressed!

brightlightsandpromises · 27/01/2011 19:25

I would say yanbu, but your dsd felt she needed to tell her mum so maybe shes just getting to that age where she is not comfy with it. Might even be the same with her own mum. Dont think it is wrong, just if she feels better with you wearing something its not so bad, like you say, vest and pants, probably pants might be enough.

My DP is DD1s stepdad, been around since she was 2 shes 20 now, but i dont think she has ever seen him naked, or if she has it has been by "accident" - he wouldnt have fallen over himself to cover up when she was little but would have made sure had boxers on. DD2 is five and gets into bed with me and DP, he has just started to put boxers on, but i think that is to more cover his own embarrasment than anything else.

tyler80 · 27/01/2011 19:31

YANBU unreasonable to sleep naked in your own bed.

If you wanted to compromise, I'd go with saying nobody in our bed until 7.30 so you've time to put some clothes on if it is really an issue. I'd be most annoyed to have to faff about trying to put something on to cover up at 5.30am, and if your stepdaughter is 7 I don't think it's unreasonable to say she can't come into your bed before then.

Growing up we were always a 'naked family', even when we were teenagers, although probably not sharing a bed together.

To be honest though if I had to share a bed with my sister now we'd probably both sleep naked.

theinet · 27/01/2011 21:07

i saw my parents naked all the time, they had no hang ups, used to chat with my mum in whilst she was in the bath right into my teen years!

Used to see them straining on the toilet too whilst i was cleaning my teeth - we had a big bathroom..

Looking back it seemed normal at the time but i can see people horrified !

Lovecat · 27/01/2011 22:37

Hmm. Both DH and I sleep naked, basically because he throws out heat like a furnace and we'd boil alive in pjs. DD seems to have inherited this tendency as she often comes into bed with us starkers, having been put to bed in jammies.

She's passed the odd comment about my 'furry' bottom, but at six is not bothered about us being or indeed being naked herself.

We don't have a lock on our loo because my niece managed to lock herself in there at age 4, so DD quite often will wander in while we're in there. In a vain attempt to have some privacy I told her the other day that I didn't want an audience - cue DD giggling, disappearing and then reappearing with about 10 toys, lining them up in front of me and exclaiming 'here's your audience, mummy!'

It's difficult when it's not your child, though I admit I'd be peeved if DD suddenly demanded we cover up in bed - I'd be more likely to tell her she couldn't come in with us if it bothered her. Which would be sad.

expatinscotland · 28/01/2011 00:12

Well, I never saw them naked that I can remember and I can't say I was a person with hang ups, tbh.

Self-respect comes from inside, it doesn't matter what you wear or don't.

So I agree with FudgeGirl's post, FWIW, she put it across better than I could.

If people want to prance around nude, more power to 'em. I don't much care, much less judge.

But then why judge others who have different ways as oppressed or wrong?

WTF?

Morloth · 28/01/2011 00:40

I sleep naked. DS1 is almost 7 now and hasn't actually noticed. I think if/when he becomes uncomfortable with my nakedness it is up to him to not come into the room or at the very least knock first before entering.

It is my bed and my bedroom, I will wear what I like in it.

On the other hand I like to have undies on if in bed with the baby because he digs his toes into my pubes and pulls the little sod.

Clothes are very optional in our home.

MamaChocolat · 28/01/2011 00:49

Naked is fine but rising up ina big pale nightie is good for scaring intruders

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 28/01/2011 01:21

Tily - I agree with you, just because she's mentioned it to her Mum it doesn't mean she's uncomfortable about it - just like saying you have a red car and her mum has a blue car .

Frankly I'd just ignore the email and carry on as normal, DSD will let you know when she's not happy about it.

Beings as DSD doesn't even know if her Mum's tummy is like yours or not, it sounds like she could do with a role model who isn't hung up about what her body looks like/being naked! I don't know how you get your kids to 7 without them knowing (and commenting loudly) on what your tummy looks like! Maybe I should ask her how she's managed it [bgrin]

CockularDepravity · 28/01/2011 03:19

Yes, YABU. A 7 year old is a very different proposition to a 2 year old. She's growing up and whilst cuddling is great and should be encouraged, at least put a pair of knickers on when doing so.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 28/01/2011 04:16

Cock - did you even bother to read the thread? Probably not, so I'll help you out here... I'm usually still sleeping really - she always goes round DH's side of the bed and lies on his side (i.e. not in the middle), so I often don't even really wake up

CockularDepravity · 28/01/2011 05:49

I did read the thread but thanks for the unnecessary clarification on something I already understood. However, I could have been more clear; I meant to say that whilst 7 YO is in the bed, regardless of who is cuddling (still a good thing), it's probably still a good idea if the OP has something on.

Upon further reflection, what a condescending little post that was of yours. Good job, I guess Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread