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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

292 replies

Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:17

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 18/01/2011 20:18

How do you know he is on the CP register?

MegBusset · 18/01/2011 20:19

I would let him go, I can't really see what negative thing could happen over it, and the poor lad probably needs a bit of normality in his life.

onimolap · 18/01/2011 20:20

In see why you're struggling with this, but as an outsider I would unhesitatingly say - yes let him go.

He is really, really unlikely to come to harm during a visit for tea. It's probably important to your DS that the friendship is reciprocal. And it's probably nice for the other lad to be treated normally IYSWIM.

TheGoddessBlossom · 18/01/2011 20:20

That is hard. Just asked DH's opinion. We both think that the only person that would suffer if you said no would probably be his friend....Sad

Panzee · 18/01/2011 20:20

Do you know any more than 'issues of neglect?' General fuckwittedness would be more acceptable to me than say, drugs. It could be that inviting people for tea is a breakthrough for the parent.
Could you go with him? Maybe ask the parent if you can bring cake and have a coffee together while they do their boy stuff.
Can you pinpoint exactly what you are struggling with? That may help you decide.

thatsnotmymonkey · 18/01/2011 20:20

Do you know the parents?

How do you know the other kid is on the CPR?

Need a bit more information I think.

pippibluestocking · 18/01/2011 20:24

Yes, agree with Monkey. How do you have the details that he is subject to a Safeguarding Plan (register no longer exists) and the reason for this?

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:25

I know he is on the register because I work in the school that he and ds attend. Without going into too much detail the issues arise from the fact that mums boyfriend is a drug user. There is no suggestion of sexual or physical abuse.

OP posts:
Dragonhead · 18/01/2011 20:25

Absolutely not- under no circumstances.

SS do not get involved unless there is a problem and whilst it's only tea I just wouldn't take the risk.

Have the wee boy over to play and maybe do something nice but I wouldn't personally let my child go to a house where the parents were under scrutiny for neglect and where SS were involved.

curlymama · 18/01/2011 20:25

I think it depends why the child is on the CP register.

If the other parent knows that you know, I would have thought they would automatically reassure you if there is nothing to worry about.

Is there any way you could talk to a teacher about it? I know they won't be able to tell you much, or even if they would advise your ds goes there or not, but you still may be able to guage an opinion from someone that probably has more info than you.

Unless I could be reassured, I would be very hesitant.

curlymama · 18/01/2011 20:28

X posted. Do you know which drug?

There's a big difference from being a heroin addict to someone caught with a small about of dope on a night out.

thisisyesterday · 18/01/2011 20:29

if you know for 100% sure that her BF is a drug user then I would say no. no way.

invite the boy to yours instead.

ChickensFlyingUnderTheRadar · 18/01/2011 20:29

Does the boyfriend live with the mother and child? If yes, I think I would be hesitant tbh.

thatsnotmymonkey · 18/01/2011 20:29

Then I would go. I think the risk to your DS is nothing so great. I would drop him off, stay for a cup of tea then leave. Come back in an hour. If during the cup of tea time you feel uneasy you can take DS home.

Mummy2Bookie · 18/01/2011 20:30

No way, I wouldn't put dd at risk.

onceamai · 18/01/2011 20:32

I'm not sure from your message whether the nine year old friend has invited DS or whether the invitation has come via the friend's mother. If via the boy, I would be minded to phone the mother to check he really is invited. I think next time the friend was invited I would invite the mother in for a coffee at pick up time to get to know her/the family a bit better before sending DS round there. I also had a very good relationship with the school secretary at the DC's school and I would have dropped into conversation the subject of the planned tea and would have very carefully watched her expression.

LadyTremaine · 18/01/2011 20:32

I would never send my dd there, I'm sorry but SS have had to step in and protect this child from what happens in his home... your duty is to protect your child from it.

LaWeaselMys · 18/01/2011 20:32

I think I would hope it was a good sign and let him go. But I would hang around a bit at pick up and drop off to have a chat to reassure myself as well as trying to make it a short period of time...

I can see why you are struggling though, especially as the issue with drugs.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:33

Mums boyfriend does live there. I don't know what drug but I know boyfriends wife is in prison for drug related offences. I'm thinking that inviting the friend here instead is a very good idea.

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 18/01/2011 20:34

I agree with Monkey. I think your DS' friend would suffer and miss out if you did not try. Pop round for a cup of tea with your DS, see what kind of vibe you get from the place and then decide whether to leave them to it for a bit.

Tricky one.

Smithagain · 18/01/2011 20:34

If you know the reasons why SS are involved, then do you also have enough information to make your own risk assessment? Like, is the boyfriend likely to be around when your son is there? And if he was, would he pose any actual risk to the children? Or is it more a matter of struggling to provide an adequate home on a more ongoing basis?

FWIW and without going into any details, I do let my children visit someone who finds themselves in slightly similar circumstances. But the parent who is present during visits has been very upfront about the situation, I am aware of conditions that have been agreed with SS and I'm happy that any risk to my own children is negligible.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:35

The invite has come from the friend. He walks to and from school alone so I don't often see mum.

OP posts:
Rapaccioli · 18/01/2011 20:35

Not in a million years. Others may argue that the friend will suffer from being isolated, it's not his fault etc, but that's not my problem AFAIAC. No way.

coldtits · 18/01/2011 20:36

RIng his mum. Claim shyness on the part of your child, or a husband's insistance as your husband is 'not used to play dates' or some such crap - and ask if you could stay for a bit "to make sure he settles in ok, honestly his dad can be so silly sometimes". If all seems well, reasonable state of house (ie no drug paraphenalia upstairs or down) and an engaged parent, leave him for an hour.

If you don't like the idea of leaving him once you're in and have had a drink, get chatty ... and stay until it's too late to leave your son. Apologise deeply for your chatterbox tendencies, and take him with you.

taintedpaint · 18/01/2011 20:36

Oh if the boyfriend lives there, it's a no-no for me I'm afraid. By all means, invite the mum and her DS around to your house, but I don't think leaving a child in that house is appropriate (and that's putting it kindly). I would try to invent a reason as to why DS can't go though, rather than telling the mum the truth.

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