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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

292 replies

Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:17

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

OP posts:
altinkum · 18/01/2011 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 23:30

You clearly dont know the system if you don't know why a school would have such information. Schools are involved in case conference for any pupil with ss involvement.

Childs mum is at the house, her boyfriend is married to someone else, she is the one in prision not the childs mother

OP posts:
altinkum · 18/01/2011 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsHighwater · 18/01/2011 23:31

I would not be inclined to let my dd go anywhere for a playdate if I did not know the family and had not been in the house myself.

altinkum · 18/01/2011 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 23:33

Altinkum, i don't understand what you mean, I am in breach of information?

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 18/01/2011 23:35

Poor soul but I wouldn't be sending my child, at least not until I met the parents and dropped him off and stayed.

My stepson is on the 'plan' and it doesn't seem like much of a plan to me, he is living with the abuser full time. He doesn't take friends home as he is too ashamed and I doubt they would be allowed.

I know it's impossible to really know any of the parents of playdates, plan or not. They could be psychotic and undiagnosed for all we know, or secret drinkers. Who knows? But, if you actually are armed with this information, why would you take a risk?

Catnao · 18/01/2011 23:37

OK. We are "middle class professional" parents. My son has had headlice. He is always dirty (clean when leaves house!), although he has lots of clothes. My son sometimes eats toast whilst walking to work with me ("Quick! Come on! Oh, God just eat it on the way!")

"Mummy - Can I go to play in the park?"
"No - it's dark now - when the days get lighter, yes."

Going to call the social services?

Probably not, because I am not what is considered "scummy".

If child is on register - def check house and parents subtly - but do try not to judge....they MIGHT be OK?

StopTalkingAndEatYourDinner · 18/01/2011 23:39

Blimey, you're all getting very cross with each other. What a snippy thread!

FWIW I wouldn't let my children go unless I had been into the house and got a feel for the environment and family. I agree that it is very hard for the little boy but not a risk i'd be willing to take without a lot more information on the mothers partner.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 23:40

I had to go out and play in the dark because XXXX was pulling mummys hair?

My 3 children have had headlice too, but not so bad that they are literally crawling down the back of his neck!

When I say dirty I don't mean the normal daily dirt that all kids accumulate, I mean the kind of dirty that looks like it has been there for weeks.

OP posts:
CaptainNancy · 18/01/2011 23:41

sorry altinkum- I still dont get it- if the child is a 6 yo girl, and OP is about a 9yo boy (this is an example) - HOW can it be a breach of data protection act?

I understand that sharing actual factual information would be wrong, but non-factual exemplar material... how can that be a breach of any act?

Hatesponge · 18/01/2011 23:47

Catnao - I was going to post something v similar. As well as all the things you mentioned, my DS also often has clothes that dont fit - he has a tiny waist so trousers are often falling down if he hasnt done up his belt properly, or else bunched round his waist. He also loses school jumpers regularly, so from time to time wears his brothers cast offs which are 3 sizes too big.

I would also check subtly. However, I would also be mindful in the OP's position, that I have info re this little boy and his family that isnt common knowledge.

Also, I think more people than you expect (certainly more than I expected) do drugs, whether its dope smoking or harder stuff. I known at least 5 (very respectable, hardworking, 'normal' families) where one or both parents are recreational coke users. I very much doubt the parents of any children who go to their houses for playdates would be aware of this.

altinkum · 18/01/2011 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EightiesChick · 18/01/2011 23:51

OP, you are drip feeding this info a bit, what with the new details about the lice and all that. This doesn't stop him being allowed round to yours, though, so I would not see that those details make much difference. Your DS might not get a vey good tea from the sound of it, but as a one-off that won't hurt him, and the friendship is valuable beyond that.

It's the drugs issue that is the sticking point. I would still say go round with your DS yourself. I can see people's point that this little boy is not your responsibility, but it still makes me sad to think of his situation and the potential happiness that a visit from your DS, his friend, would bring.

I think your presence would minimise the risk (I'll say again that there is no situation that is entirely risk free) and then you could have the security of knowing you have seen for yourself.

TaperJeanGirl · 18/01/2011 23:51

Not read every post but no way on earth would I let my child go to a house where I knew there was a heroin (or crack)addict living, I have known a lot of addicts, one fell asleep with a cigarette and burned his flat out trapping his 7 year old on the balconey, causing 50% 3rd degree burns and very nearly killing him, another has crashed his car with 3 kids in, the same man also had men force their way into his house with guns, while his kids were there, I could think of more examples of why no child of mine would be in the care of an addict.

EightiesChick · 18/01/2011 23:53

But it's arguable, if not certain, that the details have been changed enough that it's not the same information. There must be (sadly) many boys of around this age somewhere in the UK whose mothers are living with drug users. Not enough to be identifying, I reckon (again, can't be 100% sure).

Catnao · 18/01/2011 23:55

Hatesponge - join my gang! I have a stressful bit (ofsted, hurray!) at work... until Friday it's all about me and other people's kids!

Bless the poor little munchkin ten year old child who should be perfectly capable of looking after himself for a couple of days, considering muummy and daddy are in the same house

thebrownstuff · 18/01/2011 23:59

If there's any doubt in my mind about anything whatsoever regarding my dcs' friends home. I wouldn't be allowing them to visit on their own until I had ascertained the full facts.

No brainer. My number one responsibility is to protect my dc. Everything else is secondary, including the use or not of confidential information.

beingsetup · 18/01/2011 23:59

So let me guess you all sitting around talking about the family and not to them? And judging them? And of course the kids have no idea that they are ostracised and treated differently and emotionally abused by your judgement of them and their family?

What is the mother like? Rude? Hard working friendly and kind? Sober? In a difficult relationship and in need of support? There was no mention of the mother- has anyone spoken to her, or is it more fun talking about her when she can't defend herself?

How about you go and find out for yourself instead of judging????

I thank god that I live in a kind friendly supportive community where people do not judge each other in that way..

sounds like a nest of vipers where you live...

I'm sorry but this post is horrible

Kewcumber · 19/01/2011 00:00

breach of DPA has to be of identifiable information which can be descriptive rather than traditional data, name age etc (Compliance officer here!) - no way of us knowing whether information given here is identifiable.

I know nothing about the CHildrens aCT (OR AT LEAST NOT AS PERTAINS TO DATA)

galletti · 19/01/2011 00:02

Erm, no I don't thin i would.

dorie · 19/01/2011 00:26

OP if you have a negative feeling about allowing your child to go to his mates for tea could you pretend you were taking your child swimming (or whatever) and ask the other LO if he would like to come with you?

CaptainNancy · 19/01/2011 00:30

Thanks for clarification kewc.

Posting on internet fora aside, it's an interesting dilemma...

Say I was a SW, and my neighbour's child was taken under CP, I can't just remove my knowledge of that fact from my brain when my child asks if they can go play with hers can I?

There would be a conflict of interests, probably a breach of something or other, but both children miss out don't they?

I thought almost first rule of CP is never introduce/mention your own family to the families you're working/coming into contact with?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 19/01/2011 00:36

I'm not over cautious or precious but I think in this case I would rather go to the house first. I would tell the little friend that if it's OK with him Mum then she needs to call me to tell me it's OK. The if she rings I would say yes, he'd love to come but he wont go anywhere without me for at least 1-2 visits, so would it be OK if I came too if I brought some biscuits :) Say that you'll only stay an hour or so as you have other kids you need to go home and sort tea out for.

If it's not from her she wont call and you have an 'out' with the kid.

If she does call, then her house is probably at least 'safe' and you can go and see for yourself what they are like. I know you'd have to have the others looked after but I'm sure there must be someone who could have them for a couple of hours.

StuffingGoldBrass · 19/01/2011 00:54

If I trusted my DC to be sensible I would let them go: an hour or two won't hurt them (I have 1 DS who is 6 and doesn't go on playdates yet so am talking a bit hypothetically). Learning how to handle yourself in a potentially uncomfortable situation is no bad thing.