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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

292 replies

Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:17

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

OP posts:
CaptainNancy · 18/01/2011 22:00

The internet is not anonymous... but the number of children on CP is pretty high- over 700 in my authority alone- so what are the chances really?

jezebelle- I seriously hope you don't judge the families you work with as quickly as you judge people on here.

jezebelle · 18/01/2011 22:00

What social workers aren't allowed to call people idiots now ?? Her advice is clearly misleading and incorrect which as a SW i find really worrying, she called me 'love' which i find very insulting and patronising, finally i'm not at work now and she isn't my client so yeah to me she's an idiot.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 22:02

Actually wannabe you are wrong. We live in a rather small community where everybody knows each other. This situation of this family is well known by most. I mentioned I worked in the school so that people can see that I am not just listening to idle gossip.

And regardless of that what do you expect me to do? Ignore what I know? If your child was in this situation would you just forget what you know and let your child go anyway just to prove some point?

And I haven't revealed anything on here that could lead to the child in question being identified. I even name changed because there are a few people on here who know me In real life

OP posts:
jezebelle · 18/01/2011 22:03

Oh and fwiw, she made presumptions based on little evidence and gave advice based on that, where is there any evidence of heroin use ?? there clearly isn't.

wannaBe · 18/01/2011 22:04

CaptainNancy whether the chances are remote or not is irelevant - the op has no business publishing this information on the internet. As she should be well aware child protection information about children is only available to certain individuals for very good reasons i.e. for the safety of the child.

Personally I could care less whether the child is identified or not - the fact remains that the op has access to this information which is confidential and as such has no business posting it here.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 22:07

Oh wannabe, do you really think I would be so stupid that I wouldn't change ages and genders of children etc to protect the childs identity

OP posts:
JoBettany · 18/01/2011 22:07

I don't see the link between what a poster does for a living and the style in which she posts? Confused

I actually think it's a pretty odd thing to have expectations of how any SW would post when they are clearly on here in a non professional capacity.

McHobbes · 18/01/2011 22:10

I would let my kid go for tea at his mate's house if he was on the CP register.

It's not the kid's fault and it's a couple of hours having some scoff.

I cannot believe the judgemental, sanctimonious tone of this thread.

Actually....I can.

sigh

BoobyMcLeaky · 18/01/2011 22:10

I wouldn't send my child to the home of someone I knew may have drug paraphernalia around. Social service don't get involved for no reason - regardless of what drug it is that is being abused. Actually I wouldn't send my child to the home of anyone I didn't know well. But maybe I am a bit pfb Smile

wineslurper · 18/01/2011 22:11

jezebelle and chocciemum, if the OP lives in Scotland then the child will be on the CP Register, so not necessarily outdated terminology depending on the geography, it's good to be accurate! And i would probably invite the kid to mine for tea, OP.

workhardplayhard · 18/01/2011 22:15

Really McHobbes?
Families don' have social workers unless there is a problem and they certainly aren't on the CP register unless there is a safety concern.
I don;t think it's sanctimonious not to want my DS to mix with people who are involved with drugs or even if drugs weren't involved to be in a household where the family needed a social worker due to neglect.

kerala · 18/01/2011 22:17

My mother ignored the village gossip and let my 8 year old sister go for tea (as it was in those days not playdate!) with a little friend whose charming, beautiful "nice" mother was rumoured to use drugs but no SS involvement at that point. An hour into the playdate mum popped round to find the two 9 year olds attempting to do some ironing Shock and in sole charge of the 2 year old sister. The mother had gone out. Properly out into town to party out not popped to shop out which would have been pretty rubbish in itself. The children were subsequently taken into care. So I would say no.

onimolap · 18/01/2011 22:21

Fruitina: I'd you have changed the ages of the children, then I may want to change what I posted initially. Also, when I posted, the drugs issues had not surfaced and it was just a question of unspecified neglect.

I'd also taken it as read that this was a proper, parent-issued invitation.

If the children are 9 or over, and you have spoken to the mother, then I'd still be inclined let him go. For the visiting child to be a boy such as you describe does not suggest a situation of immediate risk. Unless of course you never let him go to homes where you do not know the parents, in which case, keep to your usual pattern.

A1980 · 18/01/2011 22:26

I wouldn't allow my child to go there. But the friend would be welcome at my home any time.

It's the drug issues that have me worried. What if there are some in the house?

McHobbes · 18/01/2011 22:28

Yeah really.

None of you have any idea what the situation is surrounding the family. Not a fucking scooby, but yet you're all deciding there is drugs paraphanalia littered everywhere and the kids will be exposed to depravity and debauchery beyond your wildest imaginings.

You know nothing. You just all enjoy a good bosom hoiking and bit of scandal.

crystalglasses · 18/01/2011 22:32

This is veering slightly off the main topic but if a child is subject to a CP because of what's going on in the home environment, is the family advised by SS not to invite other chidren into the home?

It reminds me of a time when our local school gave out letters to all the pupils' families warning of a suspected paedophile lurking around the neighbourhood (not sure they actually said he was a paedophile but it was words to that effect). my dc went to a school a few miles away but obviously played out locally. I heard about the letter from a friend whose child went to the local school. What I am trying to say (badly) us how far should a local authority's duty of care extend?

BoobyMcLeaky · 18/01/2011 22:33

McHobbes - I think the problem is that she doesn't know what the situation in the house is. It could well be that the boyfriend has an addiction to prescription painkillers and there is sw involvement to help them over come it. At the same time it could be a case of serious class A drug use and neglect. Are you honestly saying you'd let your child go without being sure?

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 22:34

I'm not just enjoying a bit of scandal, everything I have said has been based on fact

OP posts:
BarryShitpeas · 18/01/2011 22:36

I would let a 9 yr old go.

I would arrange pick up earlier than on a "normal" playdate, maybe after 1 1/2 hours.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 18/01/2011 22:40

I have just realised why not a single member of my year 6 class turned up to my 11th birthday party. None even RSVPd. Village mentality. Everyone thought the knew what was going on, and had to protect their own children (fair enough) but forgot all about me in the process.

Poor little boy in this case, please take him on a nice treat to make up for it.

LadyBiscuit · 18/01/2011 22:43

But if the boy has been round to your house several times, then this is a big deal to him that he's invited your DS round I guess? So he's going to be very hurt if he doesn't come.

Poor kid :(

I don't blame you incidentally, just feel sorry for the boy

Morloth · 18/01/2011 22:48

I wouldn't let DS1 go to a home where I knew a child was being neglected regardless of how I came across that information. If their own child is not being adequately cared for how could I trust them to give a damn about mine?

I would however have that child over at ours as much as possible.

It might be offensive to some and make things even sadder for the child, but that is his parents fault not mine, my duty is to first protect my child.

Secretwishescometrue · 18/01/2011 22:49

Personally I would not. I would however make a special evening out for them. Bring them to the for a burger, cinema, bowling, swimming, park for a kick about, whatever just make it a bit special. If that's not possible invite him round, Make up something about an appointment or expecting a package, phone call or something that you can't go over but tell the lad he's welcome anytime. Your dc can always complain you never let him go anywhere and what a horrible mother he has... that's grand don't get into any explanations just nod and smile and agree how awful you are. You are kind to this child, you welcome him and truly like him but you can make his face light up some other way then going against your gut that its not a place you want your child. For what its worth I had friends when I was little who were not allowed to go on play dates except to family and of course they thought it was terrible but they came from strict families better families then mine. Some of what we got up to in perfectly perfect homes when we were over playing is unmentionable Blush

pranma · 18/01/2011 22:50

I think I would let him go actually.I cant imagine any harm coming to your ds and I agree about slightly earlier pick up-oh and check with other mum that's it's her and not just her ds who issued the invitation.

troisgarcons · 18/01/2011 22:52

Fruitina Tue 18-Jan-11 20:25:04
I know he is on the register because I work in the school that he and ds attend. Without going into too much detail the issues arise from the fact that mums boyfriend is a drug user. There is no suggestion of sexual or physical abuse.

Abuse of information.

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