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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

292 replies

Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:17

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 18/01/2011 21:28

coldtits has made a good suggestion I think - go with your DS. Make up whatever reason - she mentioned some; maybe you have to go on somewhere afterwards and you don't have time to travel there and back?

I appreciate the POV of not wanting to risk your child in any way, but the fact is risks like this are in all sorts of unexpected places, not just at houses where drug users live. If you go and check it out for yourself you can minimise the risk (can never be eliminated) and your DS's friend (who, personally, I feel very sorry for) gets a treat. All a bit Thatcherite and 'no such thing as society', IMO, this 'DS's friend isn't my responsibility' stuff.

jezebelle · 18/01/2011 21:30

Well your advice is crap, do hope they don't let you do an important job. And i'd have thought you'd want to inform to majority that those terms are not used now, good practice and all that. Finally the OP gives no information to suggest heroin use at all, it says issues of neglect ? Hope you don't do assessment.

Original poster
Fruitina · 18/01/2011 21:33

The only problem with me going and staying is that I also have 2 other dc who would have to come with me and the youngest is only 1

OP posts:
Snorbs · 18/01/2011 21:34

QueenGigantaur, that may be true in your area but according to the SW we had when my DCs were on the Register it's not true around here. My DCs were on the Register due to my ex's alcohol issues. Our SW indicated (without giving away personal details, of course) that she had a child protection caseload that also included crack cocaine users and prescription drug abusers.

DreamTeamGirl · 18/01/2011 21:36

I can see why you really want to try and work it out- the sound of that wee boys face lighting up that he is allowed to invite another kid for tea is so sweet!!!
And especially if he is a nice young lad

Can you get your younger 2 taken care of for half an hour or so at the end of his next visit to you, so you can take him back into his house and get a general feel for it
It may all be past stuff, and you may feelok about it, or it may be awful and you feel no way

Good luck anyway

Chaotica · 18/01/2011 21:36

How sensible is your DS? I'd go if you could (as others have suggested) but if you can't it makes things difficult.

TBH I've personally known a lot of children in very shit family situations and what they really needed was some normality. They could have easily have been in such a situation with SS involved. But no half-sensible 9 year old child visiting their houses would have come to any harm at all. (I did know the parents though, so that may change my views.)

verytellytubby · 18/01/2011 21:38

Invite him to yours. Get to know him a bit.

I've been sitting here pondering what I would do. I'm not sure I would let my DD go but I would make the effort with the boy. He shouldn't be penalised for his mum's choices.

wannaBe · 18/01/2011 21:38

actually I think that you are somewhat out of order here op.

You work in this child's school. And thus you have access to confidential information about the fact that he is under the radar of social services. And you are using that information to your own personal advantage. Presumably if you didn't work in the school you wouldn't be privy to the information and would, I assume, have no issue with your child going to tea at this child's house?

But worse than that you have taken it upon yourself to publish highly confidential information about a vulnerable child that you only have access to through the course of your job on a public forum on the internet. Outragious! Angry and if you were a parent at my child's school I would be demanding you be sacked.

As for some of the rest of the posts talking about the bf as a junky etc wtf do you all know? Nobody knows all the facts here. And reality is that you could all be sending your children to the houses of drug users and you might never know.

Who knows maybe the boyfriend is undergoing rehab, maybe he is clean, maybe he regrets the actions of the past, but hey let's stigmatise a whole family and a nine year old child on the basis that drugs have been mentioned and social services are involved (and presumably working with the family, given that the child is still living there and not in care). Hmm Angry

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 18/01/2011 21:40

sigh.

yes. i have known cases where mum was addicted to nurofen. Both children were considered at risk due to surrounding issues.

but the proportion of cases that are heroin based far outweigh those that are not.
so it is not a giant leap to conclude that that would be the obviouse culprit. and also the one that would be most risky to a non resident child.

but this is boring me now so i'll not be back.

KangarooCaught · 18/01/2011 21:40

Generally I like to know/have at least a nodding acquaintance with mum or dad if my dcs are going on playdate. In these circs that sounds even more necessary.

EightiesChick · 18/01/2011 21:40

Ah, tricky. Would that always be the case or would you be able to go, and leave the other DC elsewhere, on another day?

jezebelle · 18/01/2011 21:40

Exactly Snorbs :)
Its not as cut and dry as QueenG made out, which is why i'm surprised she does the job she says she does tbh.

wineslurper · 18/01/2011 21:43

Not wanting to get into a fight between 2 SW colleagues, but in Scotland we still have a CP register.....

jezebelle · 18/01/2011 21:43

Actually in my area heroin use is not as high as other drug use such as crack or crystal meth, so no not a proportion of cases. Sigh, i shall not bother with those who think they know best when clearly they don't, don't hurry back.

earwicga · 18/01/2011 21:44

Tough one. I would of thought if the invite had come from the mother then she would ensure the place was clean from needles before a child comes round to play. If you preped your child to say that if he felt uncomfortable at all then to get the mum to phone/text (assuming she has a phone) and you will pick him up. I would assume your child knows a fair bit about the homelife of friend from him. There are very good reasons not to let your child go, so you would have to weigh up risks. And if he does go, then keep it a short visit.

tomhardyismydh · 18/01/2011 21:46

just to state heroin would not be the only drug a child would be subject to safeguarding plans.

Anyway OP I personaly would not allow my dc to go alone, but would definatly check with the mumas this may have only come from the child. I know you have now changed for him to come to you but for future invites I would go aswell and say you cant stay for teas as have xyz planned.

You cannot make a true assumption untill you have met the family and visited the house.

my friend at school was on cp registar as it was at time for parents substance missuse no one would have guessed mum was a had a very proffessional job, unusual case yes but no one on the outside would have guessed at drug problem and I dont think there was too much risk to her or friends on a day to day basis but there had been a previous incident.

mommmmyof2 · 18/01/2011 21:46

I don't think I could but that is only because if anything did happen and I knew that there was a risk, small as it may be, I would never forgive myself.

I feel sorry for the child though and yes it would be nice for some normality for him and yes nothing proberly would happen, but If it was me I would just feel better having him in my home.

Sidge · 18/01/2011 21:47

Could you offer to take both boys to Pizza Hut or something instead? Maybe dress it up as a huge special treat?

It's a tricky one. The chance of any harm coming to your son from spending a couple of hours at the other child's house is low, but if you haven't really met his mum then I wouldn't feel comfortable if I were you. I don't like my children going to other children's houses if I haven't met a parent regardless of their social situation, or any potential At Risk proceedings.

workhardplayhard · 18/01/2011 21:48

Jezebelle - I thought social workers were meant to be compassionate and measured??

You come across as very angry and confrontational.

KangarooCaught · 18/01/2011 21:48

WB, I don't believe the info is identifying, she isn't telling all and sundry locally, she hasn't turned her back on this child but made him welcome in her home. And what's the alternative, pretend she didn't know and send her child anyway? (You have to CRB clearance usually and working with/logging info re children to have access to that kind of private info - it gets given to you, you don't go looking!)

jezebelle · 18/01/2011 21:50

I think we've already established that tomhardy, if you'd read the other posts before replying Hmm

chocciemum · 18/01/2011 21:52

I am a frontline Child Protection Social Worker and must disagree with the Queen.

I confirm that the CP register is outdated - children are now subject to CP Plans.

However, I understand that the majority of people may not realise this.

For what its worth, if it was my child in this situation, I would not allow them to go. As has been suggested, I would invite the boy and his mum to our house or arrange to meet somewhere neutral.

NotWoozy · 18/01/2011 21:52

I really hope QueenG and Jezebelle are not on the same SW team, although this thread would be an excellent SWOT analysis for them if they are.

I would not allow my child to visit the house mentioned, I also would not publicise my access to privileged information which led to the decision in the first place.
I would very much encourage the child's friendship, but on my turf. He sounds like a lovely child. Shame about the knob of a boyfriend (and mother), regardless of the narcotic in question.

wannaBe · 18/01/2011 21:55

well that depends doesn't it.

If the child's mother were a mumsnetter then the child is identifyable... 9 year old child, on cp register, because of drug use, played at op's house today, invited for tea on thursday, and bingo a mother recognises her child from an internet forum and the mother who posted about him as a member of staff who is supposed to have his interests at heart.

The internet isn't anonomous.

workhardplayhard · 18/01/2011 21:55

I really hope in the unlikely event that my child ever needed a social worker that he wouldn't be landed with someone who calls people idiots just because they disagree with them.....not a good reflection of the profession!

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