To ask my 14 and 12 year old sons to help with the household chores?

[BevMidge]

It seems to me that most kids these days dont feel they should help out at home. Am I the only mum who feels guilty for putting my foot down? I have taken away their x boxes and other tech stuff to try to get them to understand. The way they leave their rooms is really not for here but I can say it is really minging !!!

No it's perfectly reasonable however it is unreasonable of you to suddenly after 12 and 14 years to suddenly want them to pitch in (or am I misunderstanding the situation)

imo I think children should be asked to help (in an age appropriate way) as soon as they are able.

Hopefully this plan means I'll have (vaguely) helpful teenagers by the time I hit that stage.

Go for it though Bev!

Don't worry about what other families do; if they are not helping at home then they should

Not just their bedrooms either

you big softie

They can be cooking, cleaning, doing washing etc etc

yabu

to ask

I say "x,y,z needs to be accomplished, these are your chores - we will all have free time when it's done"

I think it depends what it is you are expecting them to do.

Keep their rooms tidy, not leave plates and cups on the floor.. fair enough.

I wouldnt expect them to be doing the ironing or washing... but they should at least put their dirty clothes in a laundry basket.

YANBU... will save endless MN threads in decades to come entitled 'AIBU to expect my DP/DH/BF to know how a bloody vacuum cleaner works?'

Yes, they should help out at home. Mine are 10, 8, 6 and 4 - They all clear their own plates after meals as a matter of course, and are encouraged to help with chores. One in particular "enjoys" them and asks for more cleaning . I do find carrot rather than stick works best, although maybe the X box etc. could be carrot for extra help, and a privilege to be removed on refusal to help - stick.

I know some parents who pay their children to do chores, not sure I agree with that - I think it's all part of family life to all pitch in to a certain extent. Maybe over and above what's expected can be extra pocket money. We've created a list of "things you can do if you want to be helpful" - if they do any of these without being asked, they get lots of recognition for it in form of thank yous, praise and occasionally new toys they choose.

Having said that, I don't get too worried about their own rooms - think they do need some private space (so long as it's not all dirty clothes and empty food packets and bad smells... i.e. going to make someone ill (!!) I don't object to messy bedrooms particularly.

unless you are running a hotel and they are paying gusts, then no!

Although if you ask them, NOBODY ELSE has to do anything and IT'S SOOOOOO UNFAIR

guests, not gusts!

"I wouldnt expect them to be doing the ironing or washing"

I would, when said children leave home, who's going to do their washing and ironing? The faeries?

Surely we're neglecting our duties as parents if our DC's are unable to look after themselves when they become adults.

My older children (16 and 12) help out. Not too much - emptying and reloading the dishwasher, washing the "non-dishwashables" by hand and sorting the ironed clothes out. I also insist on all dirty laundry being in the clothes hamper plus they tidy/dust/hoover their own rooms (infrequently like most teenagers) and make their beds. At a push they will dust and hoover the family areas of the house - once in a blue moon and usually when they want something in return! They also make cups of tea and can rustle up some basic snacks.

Most of the time it's about 15 minutes of chores a day - I think if i asked around my friends I would find thats about average - some do more, many do a lot less.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your children to help and you certainly should not feel guilty about doing it. I for one hope that my children will be able to cook (and wash up after themselves) when they leave home. Before they head off to uni there will also be some intensive laundry lessons as I don't think that they will be able to afford a personal slave on a student loan.

YADNBU.

I am suprised by the number of friends I have who don't expect their DC to help around the house. Sadly, DS is friends with my friends DC and occasionally has a strop and says his friends don't have to help.

DS1 is 14 and he helps but loading/unloading the dishwasher and sometimes running the hoover around. He also makes tea or coffee sometimes and sometimes cooks dinner, but he loves doing that. He knows how to do his own laundry, but I don't expect him to.

DS2 is 10 and occasionally helps with the dishwasher or makes tea or coffee. I don't think he's old enough to do much else yet.

I don't pay them as such, bit often give them a bit of money to go to the shop to say thankyou, buy them something at the shops or take them out a a treat if they've been extra helpful.

My mum always said that she felt childhood was a time when clean clothes just appeared in your cupboard and the bed made itself etc.

Well, great childhood.... but fark, I've spent 30 years trying to organise myself and teach myself good habits, usually unsuccessfully. I don't think it's my mum's fault, as nicer people than me just pick it up I think. But if your child is not one to pick it up because they like being organised, it is up to us as parents to hammer away at them to achieve a basic level of cleanliness and organisation.

So, YANBU, unless you have only just started getting them involved.

12 and 14 is far to old to start IMO, my family always start the younger ones with chores from the age of around 9 such as vacuuming and organizing thier own wardrobes etc... My sis has two boys, 8 and 13 and they both know how to do laundry and dishes, vacuum and keep thier rooms in order. They have a rota between them and though they sometimes skive off, they are really good kids who help thier mummy out alot (especially when she has been at work all day). My home will be no different. I am a mature student (early twenties) and having lived in student accomodation, have come across kids of 18, 19 and even 20 (not really kids anymore) who don't even know how to shop for themselves or boil rice or an egg. I had to teach my first housemate how to mop a floor (the irst time she did it she didnt realize you had to wring the water out first and flooded the whole kitchen) and wash dishes properly as her mum did everything for her at home.

Not trying to be high horsed about this, just find it shocking the amount of teenagers who cannot cook themselves a meal without a microwave.

I tihnk my the age of 12 & 14 I would expect them to know how to do every chore in the house, do a shop, cook a modest selection of meals and clean up after themselves. At around 14 I used to get sent to pay the bills and the bank/post office, but I suppose in the days of direct debit that's harder to teach.

And I would give them a couple of jobs that are soley their responsibilty. Mine were putting the laundry away and doing the dusting.

DH did none of this, his Mum waited on all her boys hand and foot, so I had to teach him everything from strach.

Being able to do something does not mean you should be expected to do it.

I left home able to cook, sew, iron, and do housework, but I was never expected to do it.

My mum was at home all day and she liked things done the way she did them.

All she expected of me was to keep my room tidy, do my homework, and enjoy growing up.

YANBU.

My DSs (9 and 12) can sort laundry and put a wash on - well DS1 can, DS2 needs a bit of help - and hang up the wet washing. They also tidy their rooms (usually only under threat of confiscation of xbox) DS1 can also make hot drinks, basic snacks (he's an expert in anything you can microwave). DS2 hoovers (as DS1 hates doing it).

They dont do any of this stuff as a matter of course, I have to ask/nag. However I am determined they will not grow up as useless as their father (who when I met him at 34 had never done any housework whatsoever, and didn't improve much in the 8 years we were together...after we split up the DSs had to show him how to use the washing machine! )

I like to think that in making the boys do stuff now, and getting them used to not seeing certain jobs as womans work (one of Ex's lovely phrases!) I am saving their future girlfriends a lot of hassle :)

YANBU.

By the time they leave home, boys as well as girls should be able to deal with household tasks - iron their own shirts, do laundry, cook a bit, push the hoover round.

I need to get my DD doing more than a bit of reluctant dusting soon!

My big mistake was not starting soon enough, riven is right with as soon as they can stand. When they were little it was simpler to do it myself ,but if I had my time again I would have more patience and let them do it, however long it took!
12 and 14yrs is plenty old enough, any future DIL will hold it against you if they can't do all household tasks! They also need to wash, iron, cook etc if they go away to university and they will be 18yrs old before you know it!

His Mum maintains that she was an excellent Mother because he never had to learn any of these simple tasks

No, my mum was an excellent mother because my big bros did learn! One of them is still chief cook and the other is the ironer in their families. Happy SILs!

They're capable of helping long before that.

You're doing them no favours by doing everything for them.