To ask my 14 and 12 year old sons to help with the household chores?

[BevMidge]

It seems to me that most kids these days dont feel they should help out at home. Am I the only mum who feels guilty for putting my foot down? I have taken away their x boxes and other tech stuff to try to get them to understand. The way they leave their rooms is really not for here but I can say it is really minging !!!

They will then have endless rows with DW or DP who will expect them to do their fair share of the housework and hold MIL in contempt for waiting on them!

by the age of 12 & 14 they should already how to cook a meal - even a basic one. and lots of other chores besides. Thats late to start them on chores but its good that you want to try now. I dont know how some mums have the time or inclination to run around doing absolutely everything for their kids - its doesnt set the kids up for life in the real world, how can they learn to look after themselves and their home, if mum hasnt even bothered to teach them? Especially boys who have been brought up as 'mini-kings' by their mums, then they grow up and inflict themselves on some poor unsuspecting woman, who will soon discover they only want a replacement mummy to cook clean and wash for them, aww..

It's late and I haven't read the whole thread but LISTS are the answer.

Males like lists. Trust me on this x

I've had mixed success with getting them to do chores over the years, but my ds's are now 15 and 17 and they do quite a lot. They take turns washing up every night, tidy their rooms, change their beds, hoover, iron, clean the bathroom, and do the washing (which in my house means opening the washing basket, sorting the contents into coloureds/whites/wool and putting on a load, then hanging it out to dry. Repeat as necessary).

My breakthrough moment was this:

Me: Please do the washing up
DS: I don't want to
Me: OK, if that's how it works, there are plenty of things I don't want to do. Think on.

(I washed up). A day or so later...

DS: Mum I need a lift to (somewhere)
Me: I don't want to
DS: Huh?
Me: You don't want to wash up, I don't want to give you a lift. That's fair, isn't it?

And ever since then the DS's have been much more co-operative in doing their chores. I've also drummed into them that any future girlfriend will soon kick them into touch if they can't do basic household tasks.

^ "I wouldnt expect them to be doing the ironing or washing"

I would, when said children leave home, who's going to do their washing and ironing? The faeries?

Surely we're neglecting our duties as parents if our DC's are unable to look after themselves when they become adults.^

I totally agree! It's our job as parents to prepare our kids for life when they leave home - real life is washing and ironing........ well perhaps not ironing but ykwim?

Ds is 9 and - lays and clears the table. Puts his washing in the basket.Takes folded washing upstairs. Helps keep his room tidy. Puts his toys away at end of the day. Helps clean out and feed his hamster. He has pocket money and the above jobs are part of the deal. He can earn extra, and LOVES cleaning the kitchen cupboards with baby wipes as that earns him an extra pound ( he has to do a thorough job though)

Oh dear my italics didn't work!

Perfectly reasonable to get DCs to do 'jobs' around house. DS1 used to clean car regularly in exchange for taking to work, helped sort out washing etc (now is at Uni). DS2 does cleaning up in kitchen and cooking a bit. DS3 is now being trained up on peeling potatoes and doing vacuuming (and sorting out animals too). DS4 is on room tidying up duties (only 5).

They do the jobs as we say if they want help / other activities then we need some support.

YANBU

We want DS to feel, as part of the family, that he has his share of responsibility for making the family work. He's a bit young at the moment, at 19mo, but even now we encourage him to help put his toys away. And small children love being given little jobs to do.

I think at the start it actually takes more effort to let them do things, rather than do them yourself, but hopefully you reap the benefits when they're older.

DD is four and usually lays the table. I did it without thinking the other day and she said, "Who put the cutlery out?". When I said it was me she thanked me and went into the kitchen to ask DH what she could carry into the dining room for him as I'd laid the table.

I was most impressed - I think she is enjoying the responsibility of helping out.

Not sure that she'll be impressed as the list grows with her. :)

So, no, YANBU at all.

"And small children love being given little jobs to do."

I found that with mine. It's just as they get older I found they are more reluctant to do things and more inventive about ways to get out of doing things. (oh, I do them but I'm going out now.:o

Most little ones actually cant wait to help with certain chores...they tend to love the responsibility and the praise.

What I find sad is when parents dont allow them to help because the child 'wont do it properly'...they have to learn and sometimes that means a job will take twice as long because the child is "Helping" Lol.

Like when you leave the polish and cloth on the table to answer the door, then come back to find the tin half empty and every bit of wood in the house covered in streaks

my dd is 10 and has a chore sheet. Each chore has a price allocated to it and at the end of the week we tot up how much pocket money she has earned. I think it's important for her to contribute to the household and I also think it's important for her to learn the value of earning and spending her own money. There are things she has to do which she doesn't get paid for - like taking her plate out after dinner, putting her washing in the laundry basket etc

My ds is 5 and we have started getting him involved in household chores. He loves dusting so that's his special job. I have to say he is absolutly rubbish at tidying though!

Lol when my youngest was 5 he used to do such a good job of tidying his bedroom we thought he had OCD...until we checked under the bed

My DH was taught by his mum to cook and clean properly - it's the best thing she ever did, in my view.

Goodness, 12 and 14 is a little late, no wonder they create a fuss if it's not become 'normalised' by that age.

DS is 13 months old and I am already counting down the days til I can get him to help me with stuff :o I was impressed the other day though, when he found a baby wipe from somewhere and I caught him wiping down the tv unit... I definitely know he didn't pick that up from his father, DH is one of those men with a 'perfect' mother, who really is a domestic goddess, but seems to only have passed these skills onto SIL :(
When DH was at Uni, one of his halls of residence flatmates had a party when he wasn't there. When he got back, the flatmate pulled him to one side as soon as he got through the door and started apologising for the party and how some people had managed to get into his room and had trashed it. DH opened the door to his room (you can see where this is going, can't you? ) and it was exactly the same as he'd left it :o If I didn't laugh about that story, I'd cry, as he hasn't improved much since :(

Mutznutz - the polish thing reminds me of a story of when I was about 2 and my dad was redecorating the living room with my 'help'. I had my own paintbrush and my own bit of the wall to paint. The phone rang and my dad, in his wisdom (what on earth was he thinking?! ) decided to go and answer it, leaving me strict instructions not to paint anywhere except the wall. Luckily for my dad, I was a very good little girl and very keen to follow instructions. When he got back ten minutes later, there I was, still painting the exact same spot of wall! He still owns that house, and there is still the same spot on the living room wall about a foot off the floor that is about 2 inches thicker than everywhere else :o

DH's mum did a proper job - DH is an excellent cook (in fact much better than his mum, me or mine). He is also perfectly capable of (and does) all domestic taks.

Our DCs are all now learning the tricks of the trade for themselves. When they leave home I want them to be able to look after themselves.

So as an extension of this subject, what is the earliest you can get DC to bring you a cup of tea in bed?

Kids should tidy up after themselves, if they make a mess then they should clear it up.

Put their dirty dishes in the washer/sink, dirty washing in a washing basket, rubbish in the bin.

Ain't hard and isn't too much to expect.

YADNBU

I threaten my DD (8) with endless repeats of "Young Dumb & Living off Mum" every time she moans or slacks about doing her own chores ......she is horrified by watching it & thinks the teens involved are lazy etc etc.....serves to remind her thats where she's heading if she doesn't pull her finger out & do her share

They all will try it on though, but we don't do them any favours if we let them get away with it at ANY age & I personally don't understand parents who don't see that......DD was started young with age appropriate stuff, & though sometimes doing it myself would be less hassle than the grief of constantly reminding her I ould rather wear myself & out & face the strops than let her get away with not doing it, buecause I know she'll thank me for it 1 day

I mean youngest, not earliest, that would be about 5am if it was up to DS

It's a great idea to teach them responsibilities and self-care (age appropriate, of course!) After a bit of stamping and shouting in our house (mainly me) we all do our bit. DD gets a small amount of pocket money each week for a certain number of jobs. (I do see the dangers of paying them for doing things, but I find carrot works better than stick for her. It has built some positivity in her, and has created a bit of self discipline too - she hates doing the recycling, but with practice she has become faster and better at it. And is pleased. When the jobs aren't done or are done badly, pocket money is proprtionally paid or witheld. Good training for adult life. Some jobs are expected regardless.)

We have resorted to using a lot of when/then statements in our house ('When you've cleared the plates away, then you can have 20 mins of telly.') So far it seems to work.

I do think it's worth considering that keeping shared living space clean and tidy is more important than their own personal space. We get her to tidy her room properly once every couple of weeks - the rest of the time the rule is that the floor must be completely clear so it's possible to hoover; no dirty dishes or dirty clothes. This allows for some middle ground. She's entitled to a certain amount of relaxation time, it's not a show home.)

both dss help load the washing machine, help unload it, help load the dryer when we need to use it, pass items up to me to hang on the line.

they both love helping pick veg from the veg plot - tomatoes, chillies, lettuce, spinach and strawberries at the moment.

lifeofkate That's hilarious...I thought you were going to say you painted the dog or something!!