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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turf out DH's family?

373 replies

squarebobspongepants · 18/01/2011 05:23

I had DD three weeks ago and DH's family are staying with us (we live abroad so they've come to see our baby and turned it into a two week holiday, grr.) This morning BIL said to me "Can you find a way to keep that baby quiet at night? It woke me up and I found it impossible to drift off again." Arsehole.

Then MIL said "Haha, you better throw those jeans out now 'cause you're never going to get your pre-baby body back." Even bigger arsehole.

And I've had MIL and SIL hanging over my shoulder 24/7 telling me I'm doing everything wrong.

After having a good cry in the bathroom I told DH that they would have to go and stay in a nearby hotel as I just can't cope with them. We have not had any time to be alone with DD because MIL is always grabbing her off me "to give her a cuddle" and then won't give her back when I ask/beg/plead. Anyway, DH says we can't possibly chuck 'em out and that I'll just have to "get over it and fast."
I just feel so sad/lonely and I really don't want to feel like that considering I have a beautiful, healthy baby.

Sorry, haha, rant over.

OP posts:
bunnymother · 18/01/2011 05:28

YANBU - this is diabolical behaviour from your in-laws, and I am astonished that your DH has not only allowed them to stay and behave like this but says you'll just have to "get over it and fast." How callous. Your DH should be supporting you and pushing them out the door, all the while apologising to you for putting you through this.

After I had kicked each and every one of them I would seriously consider moving to a hotel if I was you - the newborn phase is an important time for you to bond w your baby and establish a "routine" (ha ha - says me up at this hour) and relationship. Send the bill to your DH and tell him to "get over it and fast."

MommyMayhem · 18/01/2011 05:35

squarebobspongepants, I was in an identical position a few years ago after the birth of my son. The in laws (who live abroad) practically moved in with us when he was a few days old. I was going back to work, so I wanted to spend some precious time with my son before then without a house full of people. But I was told I was being selfish.

God, I wish I had been firm with them and asked them to move into a hotel. That mother-child bonding time is so important in the early days, and I really feel I missed out.

You need to ask them to leave nicely but firmly. Please don't be a mug like I was.

WorzselMummage · 18/01/2011 05:38

Sounds hideous!

Your husband is being a bit of a dick about it :(

If I were you i'd book them a hotel and when you tell them dress it up as your worried about disturbing their sleep.

MadAboutQuavers · 18/01/2011 05:57

Jesus.

Firstly, kick your DH hard in the shins and tell him to get over it, and fast.

Secondly, INSIST that they leave, or there will be major consequences, such as DH will have to leave with them.

You are ENTITLED to be selfish at the moment. You need to be spending quality alone time with your baby - your instincts will be screaming out for this.

I'm so astounded at your DH's attitude, he's being an immature and callous wanker Angry

If you can't get them to leave, get your bitch hat on. Lock yourself away in the bedroom so you can be on your own with your baby. Snarl menacingly at any comments from MIL and SIL - "this is my baby so I'll find my own way - go and do the washing up/ironing/lunch if you want to make yourself useful". As for BIL, I hope you responded with "what the fucking hell do you expect, she's a three week old baby!"

Am totally incensed for you. If your DH can't be supportive, tell him to fuck the fuck off to the hotel as well, and when he gets there to fuck off some more. Angry

LDNmummy · 18/01/2011 05:58

YOU HAVE JUST HAD A BABY RECENTLY AND YOU NEED YOUR SPACE!

Your BIL is a dick, and were it me, would promptly tell him to get the hell out of my house and find somewhere else to sleep if he couldn't stand my new born baby crying in its own home. Complete ARSEHOLE!

Your husband should understand that you need time alone with your child and should just get over it himself and tell his family to SHOVE OFF!

LDNmummy · 18/01/2011 06:02

And I totally second MadAboutQuavers

It might be time for tactical warfare.

tiredfeet · 18/01/2011 06:09

Yanbu. My in laws began to get like this and I realised it was affecting my bond with the baby so promptly retired to bedroom and stayed there with baby. Your DH needs to stick up for you.

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 06:19

Take your baby into your bedroom and stick a do not disturb sign on the door.
Your DH is being a tosser, BTW and I would tell him to get over it and quick or he will be leaving with the in-laws at the end of the trip.

MadAboutQuavers · 18/01/2011 06:22

Oh, and SquareBob, in case you were wondering, YOU are not being unreasonable here.

Everyone else in your house is though

And don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise, especially your DH

Plumm · 18/01/2011 06:24

Turf your DH out with his family if that's his attitude. He should be spending time getting to know his baby, not defending his selfish family.

TheSkiingGardener · 18/01/2011 07:24

YANBU.

Time to sort this out with your DH. What he said is awful. If he can't put his new family first he needs to get a rocket up the bum, preferably to he nearest hotel so he can help his family check in.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 18/01/2011 07:37

I am another who says YANBU. I had DD abroad and my mum and sister came out for a week to help me. DH had asked his lot too. I was really cross, although I knew I had nothing to fear, only one of them has a passport [parochial].
OP, ask your DH to tell his family to back off or move into a hotel. It isn't fair on you, your baby or to a certain extent your DH.

jester68 · 18/01/2011 07:42

YANBU.

Those first weeks with a newborn are really precious.

With my first daughter we had a house of guests the minuite I came home from hospital (i mean it- they were there within 15 mins) and this carried on for the first couple of weeks. They were also at the hospital for the visiting times as well. And if we didn't have guests we were driving around taking the baby to visit oh's relatives (cause they were too bloody lazy to come and see her even though they all drive, and some only lived about 5 mins drive away) Not good when you are trying to come to terms with being a mum, establishing some kind of routine, and I was also healing from a third degree tear.

Think it contributed to my postnatal depression as well ,as never had much time with just the baby.

Second daughter- no hospitsal visitors apart from my partner, my eldest daughter and my mum (my mum came as she was looking after my eldest daughter- funnily enough noone else offered).

Home- we never took her to visit anyone. They came to us. MIL came after a couple of days. Then fil/sister in law came about 7-10 days later.

We did end up back in hospital with her at 4 days old- 8 days old as she had a chest infection (due to problems with the birth) and my brother and his partner visited us in hospital. My other 2 brothers and their families met her when she was about 3 weeks old.

This time I recovered a lot more quickly from a second third degree tear, had no postnatal depression. She also got into some kind of routine earlier as well. Plus we had time to bond properly as a family of 4.

KICK THEM OUT! Or go to a hotel yourself- then bill them!

whatdoiknowanyway · 18/01/2011 08:02

YANBU
I remember my own mum refusing to give me my new baby back and the panicky, suffocating feeling I got.In the end I physically took the baby from her. At that stage it's a physical need to be close and your DH needs to wise up.

Words fail me with your BIL.

Can't imagine having so many people in my home for so long so soon after giving birth. Make your DH listen and get yourself some space.

Congratulations on your baby.

onmyfeet · 18/01/2011 08:15

When are the 2 weeks up?
Perhaps you could take the baby and go stay with your parents/sister/someone?

TheEvilDead2 · 18/01/2011 08:28

I'd write a note saying:

Dear DH and family.

I have decided to take up residence in a hotel for the remainder of your stay.

I realize BIL is having a very hard time getting his sleep which is so important.

I also realize that my shockingly bad maternal instincts are making it hard for MIL and SIL o relax around me. Forcing them to ruin their holiday by taking my very new baby off me to "show me how its done".

I hope you can all now enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Cheers,
Spongebob

KittaKatta · 18/01/2011 08:35

tell them and 'D'H to fuck off! and then do as TheEvilDead2 has so cleverly suggested.

bronze · 18/01/2011 08:36

Whats your HV like? Could you get on onside as backup?

knitty · 18/01/2011 08:41

YANBU!
What horrible people! Take the time with your baby otherwise you will regret it later.Tell DH either they go to a hotel right now or you are going with the baby.
I'm so angry for you, if I was anywhere near you I would come and turf them out for you!

msbossy · 18/01/2011 08:43

I second the suggestion from bronze. A friend told me about her midwife who walked into a house of people and told them all, bar the one who'd brought the lunch, to go home and leave said friend alone for a little while. If you have access to a professional home visit get them to be push for you.

FanellaFidge · 18/01/2011 08:49

Oh gosh, this is dreadful!

You really need to 'get your bitch hat on' as some other poster said. Tell them in no uncertain terms they need to leave. Be as rude as you like! DH also needs a kick up the backside.

YADNBU.

BaronessBomburst · 18/01/2011 08:50

Go to a hotel, and tell them to fuck off as you walk out the door. Seriously. You have got to get out of there and have some time alone with the baby.

And show your DH this thread.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 18/01/2011 08:51

TheEvilDead has the perfect idea. Find a little travlelodge or premier inn if money is tight. But go, and have a babymoon.
Don't worry about upsetting DH or his family, they sound so insensitive that they'll never change and always be upsetting you, so stuff em. DH might also start to realise what's at stake here!

Deciduousblonde · 18/01/2011 08:53

I cannot see how anyone would think you are being unreasonable!

Kick them all into touch, especially DH.

Arrogant, selfish gits!!! Angry

expatinscotland · 18/01/2011 08:56

Show your husband this thread.

So he can hear it from us: he is being a prick and his family are twats who need kicked out.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

With the next one, bar all overnight visitors.