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Original poster

to turf out DH's family?

373 replies

squarebobspongepants · 18/01/2011 05:23

I had DD three weeks ago and DH's family are staying with us (we live abroad so they've come to see our baby and turned it into a two week holiday, grr.) This morning BIL said to me "Can you find a way to keep that baby quiet at night? It woke me up and I found it impossible to drift off again." Arsehole.

Then MIL said "Haha, you better throw those jeans out now 'cause you're never going to get your pre-baby body back." Even bigger arsehole.

And I've had MIL and SIL hanging over my shoulder 24/7 telling me I'm doing everything wrong.

After having a good cry in the bathroom I told DH that they would have to go and stay in a nearby hotel as I just can't cope with them. We have not had any time to be alone with DD because MIL is always grabbing her off me "to give her a cuddle" and then won't give her back when I ask/beg/plead. Anyway, DH says we can't possibly chuck 'em out and that I'll just have to "get over it and fast."
I just feel so sad/lonely and I really don't want to feel like that considering I have a beautiful, healthy baby.

Sorry, haha, rant over.

OP posts:
plupervert · 25/01/2011 10:34

This is madness. Hopefully, the ILs will go away soon, and that separation (which is the one he needs) will bring him to his senses.

He is being a dreadful human being, but I really hope it is out of weakness, so if you can find it in you to give him a way to back down without losing face (but he must then apologise; if he does not, that is to state that you are wrong - which you are not), there could be a satisfactory ending to this.

So when your ILs go home, perhaps your family could move into a hotel and your home will be "neutral territory" again.

If you both end up staying on in Brazil, you will have the additional benefit of time and separation from H's dreadful family, to consolidate the hold on him of reality, normality and human kindness.

So sorry you have this to deal with in the postnatal period, but, sadly, we end up having to stand up to all sorts of bullshit when we become parents (a shame your H didn't do a bit more standing up, so that the situation could have been avoided in the first place. who the hell invites people to have a holiday in a house with a newborn. let's hope he only gets the insensitivity from his family, not from his own heart).

Good luck. Smile

jeanvaljean · 25/01/2011 10:41

This has been a bonkers thread.

Sponge is your DH and his family Brazilian? The only explanation for this behaviour I can think is some strange cultural difference. Is it like the Italian mama thing where the MIL expects to be all involved and the son grovels to his family?

maryz · 25/01/2011 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stac2011 · 25/01/2011 12:46

sponge i hope you manage to get home. This man and his family clearly dont deserve you and your daughter. It shouldnt be a holiday they are on, and if it is how long are they staying? Your dh seems to be enjoying being with them so leave him to it. I have to ask and sorry if this is too nosey but were things ok with you two before the baby was born? X

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 25/01/2011 13:15

spongebob I'm so sorry to read your latest post. If the baby's only a few weeks old then it could be that your H hasn't bonded with her yet, and is therefore finding it easy to say that he won't want contact. Is it possible that he really genuinely has no idea how important those first few weeks are to a new mother, and how hormonal and sensitive you are likely to be? It sounds like his M & S are utterly insensitive, so could he be unaware of what it's been like for you? Is he usually so insensitive and prone to leaving you like this?

Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, they don't remotely justify such callous and cruel treatment of you. I never jump on the 'leave him' bandwagon either, but I would think very very carefully whether this spoilt manchild with his repulsive family is someone with whom you wish to spend your life. Whatever you decide, please get a passport for your DD sorted out asap, and get written permission from your H to take her out of the country. You might feel a lot stronger and better back in the UK with the support of your family and friends. I'm so glad your DM & DB are with you.

You and your DD deserve so much better than this. Sad

thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 15:11

And do contact the British Embassy/Consulate to discuss the situation (regarding taking your DD back to the UK). If your DH is a British national as well as you, then I'm not sure that you would need his permission to go back to the UK BUT you need to ask them. You may, OTOH, need him to sign the passport forms. Which he probably won't under the circumstances.

Do YOU think his suggestion that he wouldn't want to see your DD if you divorced is just a threat to keep you with him? Or do you think he meant it? Either way, he is still a complete cockhead but YOU are the only one who can decide whether or not you want to stay with this man - and do take heed from Dumbo's post of what could happen if you back down and let him and his horrific family get away with this.

JamieLeeCurtis · 25/01/2011 15:15

Am utterly shocked and saddened.

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2011 16:36

Well rid.

Plumm · 25/01/2011 16:45

Thanks for updating us sponge. His behaviour is shocking - has us done anything like this before?

Tolalola · 25/01/2011 18:48

Really sorry to read your update, sponge. It's such a very sad situation.

It's great, though, that your mother and brother are there with you. They'll be able to help you with practical stuff so much.

I'm sure you will feel much more in control and less wobbly once you have your DDs passport in your hands. Then at least you will have a lot more options open to you, iyswim.

The only thing for you really to consider at the moment is what you want. Whether you want to try to patch things up, or whether you've been pushed past the point of no return by your DH and his family. Having massive talks with your mum will probably help you to see the whole picture and all the pros and cons more clearly. Mums are good like that Wink.

MsKLo · 25/01/2011 18:55

What a complete and utter prick he is. I don't say this lIghtly but I really think you and Dd are better off without him. If you stay with him you will always have to deal with his prick of a family. Get away and get rid!

PatPending · 25/01/2011 19:05

Only just caught up with all this today - how horrible for you Sponge.

I'm so sorry - I really hope he is just being a big spoilt brat and that he will come to his senses, kick his family into touch and start acting like a man.
If he doesn't then (and I hate to say it!) you really may be better off without him.

So glad you have support from your Mum and Brother.

X

MissyMolly · 25/01/2011 19:52

What an absolute wanker Angry

I am so sorry you're having to go through this- do look after yourself and your little girl, and you obviously have some fantastic support from your family. I hope you manage to get back to the UK soon and away from that prat- he clearly does not deserve to have the two of you in his life

AnyFucker · 25/01/2011 19:55

Am speechless

Rhinestone · 25/01/2011 20:01

What an absolute fucking twat. Shock He is not normal - you know that don't you? And it's him, not you.

Here's the Brit Embassy link for Brazil -

ukinbrazil.fco.gov.uk/en/

I know you probably have it yourself but am so shocked just want to help in a small way.

Trifle · 25/01/2011 20:08

341 posts of which 336 have been by others with the op only making 5 posts. Has to be a record of how little a poster can contribute to their own thread.

MsKLo · 25/01/2011 20:11

What are you trying to say trifle?

Rhinestone · 25/01/2011 20:11

Trifle, I don't understand the point you're making. Hmm

Care to enlighten us?

AnyFucker · 25/01/2011 20:13

there is a similar thread going at the moment (where a poster actually contributed very little to the discussion wrt word count)

it is the one where the lady found out her H has been using escorts

both of them very shocking and promoting lots of outraged discussion

at least on this thread, the opinion was pretty united in that the behaviour of the OOP's H is absolutely monstrous

AnyFucker · 25/01/2011 20:14

OP

AnyFucker · 25/01/2011 20:15

trifle, was it just an observation ?

catinthehat2 · 25/01/2011 20:47

I don't usually contribute to these kinds of thread.

But this one does seem to have escalated hugely.

Bearing in mind that (IME) having a baby is like being in a particularly nasty car crash, is it not a good time to 1) stand back 2) take a deep breath 3) concentrate on teh baby and recovering from the birth and 3) delay any big decisions for a week or two?

It always seems a bit foolish to make life changing decisions while still shocked (in this case from the birth) so to speak.

Once the OP has regained her strength and is not living on adrenalin, she will be able to say a hearty "bollocks" to the idiots around her. MAybe that is all that is required?

MadAboutQuavers · 25/01/2011 20:48

Let's hope Trifle's post WAS just an observation...

Blu · 25/01/2011 21:45

Squarebob, how horrible for you.

CatInTheHat is right about having a newborn can be like a car crash, and anyone travelling across oceans or continents also raises the currency no end.

Your DH and ILs have been incredibly naive thinking that arriving on a new mother was an ideal holiday.

Have you had a chance to explain to your DH the incredble pressur you were under and what it's like having a baby? I daresay he has felt embarrassed, finding himself in the middle of you and his family, did you both think it wa a good idea to invite them al out when the baby was due? Did you know them well before? Is your DH Brazilian? Is it cultur clash / different expectations?

It all got thoroughly out of hand, he has behaved, and is behaving, badly. If you still wnat him, can you think of any way you can get hi to understand your feelings?

pigletmania · 25/01/2011 21:58

I am Shock at your husbands behaviour. You are well rid tbh, he obviously thinks so little of you and your dh that he treats you both like dirt, and does not want to see your dd if you divorce, well she is still his wether you divorce or not! Tbh you should think twice about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with such a man. As for his family, well it says it all. They just wanted a holiday and to use you as a hotel, bet they were not bothered about seeing you and dd.