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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:
TotorosOcarina · 16/01/2011 11:09

In this case I think YABU, if she is like a mum to him and he has given her the money to fix her boiler (and she has a child) and for her education.

It would be different if she was gambling it away/ drinking or smoking it or just relying on him for everyday shopping etc.

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2011 11:09

Depends on your finances IMO

do you have seperate or joint money?

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 11:12

Tough one really...as you say his money and his choice. I wouldn't expect him after only 6 months to stop something he's been doing for years.

Original poster
dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:12

We are financially secure, he earns 42k and I get 18k. We have seperate accounts at the moment but that is going to change in the near future

OP posts:
AllHailDaddyPig · 16/01/2011 11:13

Unless giving her this money means he hasn't been able to pay the bills etc, I'd say YABU. If this is 'his' money, after bills, then I don't think you can really say anything about it. I'd be pissed off if DH tried to tell me what to do with the money I have left after bills/expenses, and I would never try and tell him what to spend it on either. As long as him giving his sister money isn't meaning he's skipping bills, expenses...it's really none of your business.

Ieattoomuchcake · 16/01/2011 11:13

Hmm. I think this is a hard one and probably depends on how much you can afford it.

In principal there's nothing wrong with helping out family financially but this does sound quite extreme.
I assume you and DP have joint finances? In which case it's not just his money and you should have a say in what happens to it. If you have separate finances and just pool money for bills etc then you're on more shaky ground.

For what it's worth, my DH doesn't have anything like the family history of your DP but he does my head in by buying things for his sister all the time. When he goes abroad for work she puts in orders for things she wants, he is forever buying clothes for her children and electric gadget type things for her house. She doesn't spend a lot of money because she likes to save, and has far far more in savings than us. She and her DH do earn less than us but it really annoys me that my DH spends our money on her so that she can put her money in savings. But it's not nearly the amount of money you're talking about, and I just let it ride rather than having a huge argument (he is also v protective of his sister).

ninedragons · 16/01/2011 11:22

Well, assuming it is for things like broken boilers and not fortnights in Tuscany, what DO you want his sister and niece to do?

A man who will support family (and yes, whether you like it or not that includes her and her daughter) rather than let them shiver or starve is commendable.

It sounds like he has a good sense of the moral obligation he owes to the person who gave him a stable childhood, too.

If I were you, I'd back off.

popelle · 16/01/2011 11:24

YABU you say you are financially secure, his sister who sounds to have played an enormous role in his life and has helped get into the position he is in struggles to get by financially so he helps her. I think he's right she probably does deserve some of his earnings. You say he's being sensationalist but if her boiler was broken then she won't have had any heating so his sister and his niece would have been shiverring in their own home because it has been a very cold winter.

I think you may have some issues regarding him and his sister because I would be delighted if the man who was my partner ensured that his sister did not suffer.

Changeisagoodthing · 16/01/2011 11:29

Hmm so it is ok for hi to be financially supporting you but not his sister.

I would suggest that you both contribute the same amount to living expenses and then have the remainder to spend as you wish (as you have no children)

As he earns much more than you he will gave plenty spare to support his sister an you won't be able to complain as it's fair.

When you have children you can reconsider this arrangement.

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 11:30

If you're financially secure and he earns his £42k then I think you're being unreasonable.

She's studying to becom a SW so it's not going to be forever is it?

Original poster
dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:32

Its just the amount of money that he is spending £2500 in 3 months is a lot of money from our finances.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 16/01/2011 11:34

Yabu then.

Do you pay equally to the bills?

Fwiw I have always earned more than dh, if he had started this 6 months after living together I would have shown him the door.

Why do you resent him helping his sister? Sounds like she deserves it IMO

AnnOnimous · 16/01/2011 11:35

no, it is a lot from his finances.

You are too early in a relationship, imho, for you to tell him how to spend his money, unless he is leaving your joint bills short.

truffleshuffle · 16/01/2011 11:36

YABU.
It is his sister and frankly none of your business unless it affects your home.

I think it says a lot about your man when he's willing to help out his sister in this way, he sounds very loyal and supportive.

I'm wondering whether you would rather your DP spent the money on you instead as he does earn significantly more than you. But you do have your own money so shouldn't really get involved.

ariane5 · 16/01/2011 11:36

YANBU i have been in a slighty similar position myself when was with ex years ago. surely the childs father should be paying maintenence and for things like boiler there is warm front grant for single parents.

obviously if he was sometimes picking her up a few bits of shopping etc then that wouldnt be a problem but his priority should be to you and your family and although he shouldnt cut her out he should offer practical rather than financial help, maybe he could babysit whilst she works or does her course which makes her a bit more independent and he would still feel like he was helping?

Ieattoomuchcake · 16/01/2011 11:37

dertitude I agree £2500 in 3 months is a lot. I would guess it's roughly one months take home pay for your DP?
Maybe leave it alone for now and see how much money he is giving her in the longer term. Maybe these past 3 mo have been a blip.

Also once you actually have joint accounts and are a bit more settled into living together, you will be able to take an informed decision on how much you as a family can afford.

HattiFattner · 16/01/2011 11:37

I think he sounds like a lovely chap, who values family and has a huge amount of love and respect for his sister.

Sadly, you do not come across as well as he does.

Changeisagoodthing · 16/01/2011 11:37

Sounds to me like he is financially secure- were you secure before you met him?

Is he your meal ticket and now it's not quite looking as good as it was?

Sorry if that sounds harsh

ariane5 · 16/01/2011 11:40

does his sister work or is she on benefits and training full time?

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 11:41

It is his sister, his money, and none of your business.

If I was him I would be wary about opening a joint account with YOU.

Original poster
dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:42

Her daughters father is unemployed and shows little interest in her, I'd be surprised if he pays any maintainence. I've always been financially secure and I like to save which is probably why seeing so much money go out bothers me.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 16/01/2011 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slipperandpjsmum · 16/01/2011 11:44

I think he sounds like a lovely man and he and his sister have had a difficult life and have been there and are there for each other. I had a difficult childhood which has bound myself and my siblings together very strongly and my husband understands and respects this. I could not be with a person who did not understand how important it is to me. If he can easily afford it why would you even question it, let alone challenge him? The reasons seem very valid. If I were him I would be very disappointed in your lack of kindness. YABU.

arentfanny · 16/01/2011 11:44

YABU yes £2500 is a lot of money but boilers aren't cheap to fix. It is also coming from his money and he is supporting and giving his sister who probably sacrifised a lot tobring him up a chance for a leg up. You sound mean.

ZillionChocolate · 16/01/2011 11:46

Until you have a child together, or have made a serious commitment to each other (ie marriage or similar, moving in means different things to different people) I think he's entitled to spend his money as he wishes. I don't think he owes you anything over and above half of the household expenses. If you are TTC then it would make sense to decide now how you will fund that. Agree saving jointly, and what will happen when you stop working.