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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 16:03

It's not an eye on everything material. Children cost money, and the fact is his sister has a hold over him. All the "she raised me so you don't get a look in" stuff is . And the fact he's using emotional blackmail on the OP talking about 'shivering in their own home' suggests he isn't mature enough to start a family, and as soon as the OP asserts her rights she'll be shouted down and told his sister raised him.
That's the worse case scenario

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:10

spikeycow... Well we'll never know, will we? All that's posted is from the OP, it's one sided and her view.

It's been an intolerably cold Winter and OP posted about the boiler... that's not emotional blackmail. It would be a very hard-hearted person who wouldn't try to help any family-member in that position if they could. It's not just the sister involved, but also HIS niece. They are part of his family and OP isn't - yet.

From what the OP has posted, I think it would be better if she didn't have children with this man - for his sake. Selfish people should stick together.

MainlyMaynie · 16/01/2011 16:11

They don't have children yet, so he is not putting his children behind his sister. The OP earns considerably less than him and he is using some of that income to support the sister who raised him. The sister is training to be a social worker, so by the time the OP had children, the sister will have a decent reliable income. Helping her to reach that stage seems totally reasonable to me. I don't understand how you can possibly read into this that the sister has an unreasonable hold and he is using emotional blackmail.

Though I actually don't believe the story, because people who live in council houses don't have to pay for their own boilers.

BelleDeCinsault · 16/01/2011 16:15

Have you got siblings OP or are you an only child?

I have a brother who would step in and help me out if I needed it and similarly he knows I would (and have) done the same for him.

I wonder if what you interpret as defensive behaviour is in fact his anger that you presume to tell him he shouldn't be there for his sister. I suspect he is seeing a side you that he doesn't like.

I think you come across as very selfish and greedy.
Don't push him on this because you will come out the loser.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 16/01/2011 16:16

He sounds like a lovely man who has taken positive steps for his life reguardless of his childhood, luckily he had his sister if he hadn't his life could have been very different. Underestimate the strength of his relationship with his sister at your peril. She is the person who he sees as getting him through that time and made him the man he is today. Unless she is taking him for a ride (which I can't see) then do not see your chances being very high.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 16:17

I'm not saying that's how it is, I'm just thinking of worse case scenarios. I don't know anything about these people, but I don't know if I'd want to risk being second best after having a baby. IMO this situation could be risky for the OP, and she has every right to find out who his priority will be before she has a child with him

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 16:20

Exactly what Daddysgirl said. Who wants to be in a relationship where after having a mans child you're not as important as someone else? The sister might have raised him but the OP will have given him his own child

Takeresponsibility · 16/01/2011 16:25

Spikey, yes she does but that is not what she has posted. She asks AIBU to want him to stop?

Yes I think she is being unresonable to want him to stop doing something he has been doing for years and she knew about.

If their joint baby existed and then he wanted to start supporting his sister and neice to the detriment of the baby that would be unreasonable.

They both need to know where they stand before they have a baby, and they both need to accept each other as they are and not try to chance the other person into what they want them to be. That way disaster lies

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 16:25

£2500 for a boiler and laptop sound low????

I wouldnt say so at all. I would say that is quite high.

CurrySpice · 16/01/2011 16:28

I've been in a similar situation where ex lent (for "lent" read "gave with no hope of paying back") money to his dad and brother.

This galled me because I felt that they had got themselves into stupid situations and we were bailing them out (loooooong stories!) and because, even though the money was effectively coming from me (I earned more then ex) I was never allowed to officially "know" the money had been given. All the while his family treated me with contempt while not knowing that I had bailed them out on more than one occasion.

It used to make me SEETHE!

I think this is different though. A broken boiler is hardly her fault and I would think less of someone who didn't step in to help their family if they could

The laptop must only be a small part of the money and for a very good cause

So yes, I think YABU and you need to wind your neck in

forehead · 16/01/2011 16:29

I think that yabu.
If i were you, i would be careful before you lose him.
My husband and i are in the fortunate position that we are able to help members of our family who have fallen on difficult times
Your dp is fortunate as he has a good job. However the situation could change, he could lose his job , fall ill etc and you may find that he may need help from his sister who at that time will be a qualified social worker.
I think that you should take a step back and see what happens, it is unlikely that he gives his sster 2500 every three months fgs.

CurrySpice · 16/01/2011 16:30

Spikeycow, it's not a competition. He is capable of loving his sister and the OP

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:31

Maybe the £2500 was for a boiler, laptop and food or bills? Who knows? It's none of the OP's business anyway until they decide to 'pool' their incomes.

Does OP ever do anything to help support her DP's sister and child, bearing in mind OP hopes to be part of the family someday?

Totally agree that OP and DP need to clarify their position before any child is conceived.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 16:32

I really dont see how his comments about his sister and niece shivering are "sensationalist" either though..

IF he was spending money on his family to the detriment of his own child, and his own child was going without because of it, then the OPs concerns would be valid. But as it stands, this man is simply helping out his closest relative, which in my view shows a caring nature.

MorticiaAddams · 16/01/2011 16:35

spikeycow Nobody is saying that the sister and her child will be more important than the op and her child but she will have to accept that they have a closer relationship than other siblings.

If they had an alcoholic mother and abusive father then they probably only had each other as children and needed to stick together. That sort of loyalty is never going to go away but it doesn't have to mean his new family will be second best.

If she can accept his relationship with his sister and his need to support her through her training then she would not only have a better relationship with her dp but also his sister who is vital in his life. Once his sister has finished training and has a job then she should be financially independent.

I really don't see why she is so upset that he feels he needs to give something back to his sister who supported him when he was younger.

GertieWooster · 16/01/2011 16:36

OP - if I remember rightly from a Philip Green thread (i think) you pay your brother a salary (even though he doesn't work for you) for "tax purposes" - so are you not being a bit hypocritical?

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 16:39

It would become a competition though if they had a child and the sister was still taking his money. The OP needs to make sure that if she gets pregnant he will pay for his child,supply whatever that child needs, not bleat about his sister and her needs.You can't be naive going into relationships where the man is more committed to other people than his partner, especially when children become involved. This man hasn't reassured the OP once, and considering they want to TTC that's worrying.

Takeresponsibility · 16/01/2011 16:41

If he can't afford his current financial commitments and a new child, they shouldn't be having a child.

CurrySpice · 16/01/2011 16:43

Spikey it seems to me he has done nothing but demonstrate that he is a caring, compassionate, loyal man with a string sense of family and a dtermination to meet obligations. What's not to like?

Why be so gloomy about it? You're making all sorts of far-fetched assumptions about what will happen

CurrySpice · 16/01/2011 16:45

Takeresponsibility - the OP has said he CAN afford what he is doing

And I would be far less inclined to trust a man who turns his back on his sister when she's in need than this guy. Any day

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 16:45

What should he say Spikey? "no, once we have a kid I will let my other loved ones go without"..

This sister is the one constant relative in his life, who support him, and now he is in a position to help her, he is doing so. I find that commendable.

The OP should be looking to this sister as an ally, and a future SIL/MIL figure, as well as her own childs aunt. If she built on developing a relationship with this woman, (and it doesnt sound like there is one at the moment), she might be a bit more understanding about why her partner cares.

There is nothing to indicate that he wont fully support any child of his own, but as that child isnt here yet, the OPs attitude seems to be jumping the gun a bit.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 16:45

It's called being a complete pessimist! I wouldn't trust it

FudgeGirl · 16/01/2011 16:46

I think OP has a right to know if her DP is going to continue to give sizable sums of money to his DS.

I also think there is something very fishy about the broken boiler - if she lives in a council house she would NOT be paying for a new boiler and OP needs to clarify that with her DP because it doesn't ring true at all.

It's an awful lot of money to be giving.

I'm sure he is grateful to his sister for bringing him up and of course he should help her if she's in need, but I can't personally say I'd be thrilled if my DP was bailing out a family member to the tune of £2,500 and I would also want to know if it was something that was going to continue if we married/had children.

Yes, it's his money and she's his sister, but something doesn't sound quite right.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 16:49

It is HIS money.. not HERS.. he can do whatever he likes with it.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 16:49

And another worse case scenario is what if as soon as the OP gets pregnant the sister starts upping the ante with emotional blackmail because she's jealous? Why don't the OP and sister get on? Is sis not welcoming? Alarm bells!!

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