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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:

Morloth · 16/01/2011 11:47

I think you need to find out if he intends to keep on supporting his sister, believe him when he says yes (because it sounds like he will) and decide where you want to go from there.

Right now it is his money not family money.

Changeisagoodthing · 16/01/2011 11:47

Dertitude. Do you own your own home? Does he?

FancyALittle · 16/01/2011 11:47

Sounds like you have a LOT to iron out before you TTC and if I was your DP I'd be wary about your controlling behaviour and eagerness to TTC.

Niceguy2 · 16/01/2011 11:47

Yanbu. BUT you should back off and leave it alone.

Your DP is old enough to make his own decisions and clearly he is ok with this.

If you carry on making this an issue you will poison your own relationship since from his point of view he's helping the very person without whom he (and therefore you) wouldn't be enjoying the lifestyle you have.

Take comfort from the fact this puts him into the "good guy" camp rather than a selfish tosspot.

Morloth · 16/01/2011 11:48

I think you need to find out if he intends to keep on supporting his sister, believe him when he says yes (because it sounds like he will) and decide where you want to go from there.

Right now it is his money not family money.

ariane5 · 16/01/2011 11:48

whilst i can see that he is obviously a kind man doing this i think it is quite a lot of money and from my own personal experience this type of situation can get out of hand (my ex ended up giving money, getting catalogues in his name solely for his sis use, buying her household appliances etc).

yes, she helped him but he shouldnt be 'repaying' her for this financially there are many other ways to help people and yes a little help now and then is fine but is there a reason why she cant support herself, you said she is retraining which is good maybe she will then be financially independant?

its a difficult situation for both of you but i think he is giving too much money.

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 11:50

If you earn 18k and were financially secure before he moved in...what's the difference now?

ceres · 16/01/2011 11:50

i think yabu.

it sounds like he has always done this - why should he stop just because he has met you?

he sounds like a nice person who cares for his family. on an income of £42k it also sounds like he can afford to help a bit if he so chooses. from your post it seems the £2500 is an above average amount which he gave for specific reasons - broken boiler, laptop.

tbh if i were in his situation i would think very long and hard before combining my finances with yours.

(for the record, i earn a lot more than my dh and our finances are combined.)

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 11:50

He seems like a man who understands the idea of family, love and obligations. You sound somewhat needy, jealous and selfish.
If he is helping her with essentials, also ensuring that his wife doesn't go needy and earning a very reasonable salary, then what's the problem?
I agree that you should set up a joint account to cover all household expenses, and a savings account sounds a good idea too.
However, if you think that your wants outstrip his sister's needs, then you need to have a conversation about it.
He needs to be clear whether he can sustain a relationship with you if you have such a negative attitude towards his family. Preferably before you start TTC and there ids a child involved if and when the relationship ends.
So yes I think YABVU.

Original poster

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:53

mutznutz The difference is we are going to start TTC and I think we should be saving money up for things that baby/child would need.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 11:53

I didn't read the OP properly!
6 months living together?
Fuck Me, if I was him, I'd run a mile.

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 11:55

Well surely he's saving enough by living with you isn't he? I mean at least there are not two rent payments going out per month any more?

Where did he live before he moved in anyway? Did he rent or pay mortgage payments?

laserel · 16/01/2011 11:57

I think the problem stems from you to be honest. It sounds like you don't like his sister very much and you're a bit jealous of their closeness. As it happens I agree with him his sister probably is the biggest reason why he is where he is and if he wants to help her out then he should.

arentfanny · 16/01/2011 12:00

Other people bring children into this world on a lot less than what the two of you earn combined and manage. I will reiterate that the £2500 is a one of large sum to pay for two things whixh his sister need, it really sounds like you are jealous and frightened of their relationship.

Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 12:00

So there is financial inequality in this very new relationship

But all household bills are being met

Yet someone is presuming to tell someone else how to spend their money

Which is not being gambled away - it is being spent responsibly and kindly to support a family member who has supported him in the past

That's very controlling behaviour IMO. YABU and bang out of order

Original poster

dertitude · 16/01/2011 12:02

laserel- Me and her get on ok although she was quite cold towards me iniatially, the first time I met her I thought I was at a job interview. I'm not jealous of her at all, I'd hate to need financial help from my brother

OP posts:

TheOneinRed · 16/01/2011 12:03

What the hell is wrong with you? You're begrudging your brother paying for a boiler for his niece?! Imagine if the tables were turned and you were the poor child without hot water or heating? Then you'd complain. You're just annoyed that your meal ticket isn't as selfish and rich as you thought he'd be.

ariane5 · 16/01/2011 12:03

surely his sister should be able to support herself and her child? a little bit of help is acceptable but regular large amounts of money are not going to ever help her to get motivated to support herself neither will it ease his guilt that she had to give up part of her life to bring him up.

helping your family is a good thing but there is a limit and then it just turns into somebody being too dependant.he is obviously a nice person but he cant support her in this way forever she needs to support herself unless theres a real reason that she cant (illness, disability?)

0karen · 16/01/2011 12:04

I think now your living together he should at least consulted with you about it.

If you can afford it I think it would be unreasonable for you to say no though

Sounds as if it was one of payments though and in future he will not be giving her so much

Although my daughters friends were getting free laptops and broadband from the government last year! Sadly I was earning to much to qualify.

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 12:06

Perhaps she thinks you're using her brother as a meal ticket? You know the sort of person who finds a reasonably high earner...has a baby with him and then never does another day's work in their life?

Believe it or not there are people around who are like that. I'm sure she'll warm to you when she realises you're totally in love with her brother for him and not for how much money he can help put aside for babies or anything else.

Mssoul · 16/01/2011 12:07

I would never stand in the way of my dp supporting his family and I think you are very unreasonable. Equally, he would never stand in the way of me supporting my family.

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 12:08

She's training to be a SW. Why is the relationship with a sister less important than the one with his new partner?
If the OP has a child and chooses not to work for a decade, support would be oozing from almost every poster.
But helping his sister, who helped him through a traumatic childhood:

'his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school.'

is somehow odd and crossing some sort of boundary? I was raised in a healthy family, we help and support each other. Any new introduction to our family needs to understand that if they plan on staying.

Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 12:09

I'd be interested to hear who owns the house - the question was asked lower down the thread. Given respective joint incomes, probably the DP, no?

GertieWooster · 16/01/2011 12:11

It sounds as though the sister put her own needs on hold when she was raising your boyfriend. Imagine if she had been selfish - she might now have the high earning career and your boyfriend would be ... where?

His sister stepped up to the plate when her brother needed someone to nurture him. The fact that he now helps her, while she is trying to better herself, makes him a darling.

I would suspect that when she first met you she saw something in you that I feel when reading your posts.

Original poster

dertitude · 16/01/2011 12:12

He does own the house although there is a mortgage on it obviously

OP posts:

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