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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:
MainlyMaynie · 16/01/2011 12:36

If she lives in a council house, the council has a responsibility to fix the broken boiler urgently, so there would have been no need for your new partner to pay for it. So one of those facts is not true.

Given that you are living in his house and say you were financially stable before hand, I can't see why there is a problem with him helping his sister.

theevildead2 · 16/01/2011 12:37

Seriously byrel you think the Op saving for private school is more important than the neice havign heat?

Maybe the Op should learn somethign of finacial independence..she clearly thinks she's hit the jack pot on someone else wage.

MainlyMaynie · 16/01/2011 12:38

byrel, he should leave his existing niece in the cold because some notional children may in the future want to go to private school?!

BuzzLightBeer · 16/01/2011 12:38

thats hardly sensationalist, its been the coldest winter in a hundred years, without a boiler they would certainly have been shivering!

So OP has been living with her dp for 6 months in his house. They own no property together, are not married and have no children. She thinks she should have a say in where he spends his own earned money.

I'd be turfing her out if I was him.

huddspur · 16/01/2011 12:40

If I were him then I'd tell you where to go. His sister sounds to have given a lot to him and now he is giving back. I think he sounds like a thoroughly decent man who loves and respects his sister. You sound like a whinging little cow who is upset because she isn't getting as bigger share of the "goldmine" as you thought

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 12:42

I wonder if the OP has any children?

byrel · 16/01/2011 12:44

I just used private school as an example to outline the point that if they are TTC then as much money should be put aside as possible as who knows what could happen in the fututre and the more money you have saved the more security you have.

BuzzLightBeer · 16/01/2011 12:50

sure, byrel, and if your close family freeze while you're saving your pennies thats all well and good.

orator · 16/01/2011 13:05

Listen to yourself OP, he says his sister got him where he is because she probably did and he feels obliged to help her. My sister hasn't done anything like that for me but I wouldn't leave her and her children shiverring in their home. Its family blood is thicker than water and they sound to have a very strong bond.

Pumpster · 16/01/2011 13:06

Yabu, but am also confused at the paying for a boiler in a council house bit?

UnfortunateUsername · 16/01/2011 13:27

Have you spoken to him about starting to save some money rather than just voicing concerns about him helping out his sister?

You may find you have a much more reasonable discussion if you approach it from the angle of "I think we should start saving x amount of money, how can we do this?" rather than "I think you should cut off your sister."

Perhaps theres a compromise to be found here and if you're open and frank about the things that you want for both your futures. He may even be the one to suggest it if you give him the opportunity.

I think YAB a but U but it's understandable.

vixel · 16/01/2011 13:31

YANBU I wouldn't be very happy about it either. You have decided to try for a child that means that you and the child assuming you are successful should be his only priority and all his efforts and resources should be directed this way. He cannot have children with his sister and so you should be his focal point.
How long is he going to dole out money to his sister and I bet she doesn't get the best price for whatever he buys her because its not her money and people are never as careful with other peoples money as they are their own. I would put my foot down if I were you what she did for him was good but he doesn't mean he should be forever bound to sustain her.

RunawayFishWife · 16/01/2011 13:31

I don't think starting a family together is the right thing to do until you have sorted this out

iwerta · 16/01/2011 14:25

YABU because of what they've been through together they are always going to have a strong bond between them and they will help each other, accept it or leave him its that simple. I do think there is some jealousy of her in your posts

ilythia · 16/01/2011 14:34

How much does he give her in 'normal' months?

If my boiler went I might have to borrow from family to replace it, similarly if I needed a new laptop for uni, so are the last few months a one off or is it this sort of money all the time?

TBH even if it is all the time I think YABU. It's hardly leaving you destitute but is a lot of difference for her.

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 14:37

I think it is a very admirable thing to do, what a lovely brother!

However, there has to be a cut-off point. Does he plan to do this for the rest of their lives (and yours)? boundaries have to be set, and both of them need to realise that circumstances change and he won't always be there to bail her out..not because he doesn't want to, but because he can't.

Life moves on and if you are planning a family then neither of you are going to be able to afford a a bail out every 5 minutes.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 14:40

I wouldn't have a baby with him until you know he will put his own child first TBH. If he's supporting another family, can he afford everything your baby would need? There was a similar thread a while back about a man supporting his mum and dad while his wife couldn't even afford to take their own child to the cinema! I'd be wary for now, and would keep my money to myself

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 14:50

And the blood water thing that people are saying is exactly why I'd back off. Who needs all the divided loyalties crap from a man you've had a child with? You could end up stuffed

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 14:51

You don't think £42,000 a year will be enough?

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 14:52

I cant think how the OP would cope if he had other children and was paying maintenance for them based on his earnings. What about the 'baby fund' then?

IAmReallyFabNow · 16/01/2011 14:52

YABU and it isn't £2500 every 3 months.

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 14:54

I do agree with you spikeycow, their ideas of family are too different to make it workable.

'I'd be wary for now, and would keep my money to myself'
And he should do the same.

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 14:54

And his house.

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 14:55

Paying maintenance for your children & giving money to your sister are two separate things.

The OP is obviously worried that as they are TTC she will give up work one day to have a baby, and with an extra mouth to feed as well as trying to save the finances will be stretched.

ohnanaWHATSMYNAMEohnana · 16/01/2011 14:56

yabu, i think its rather good he wants to help his sister

he sounds a good bloke