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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:
ariane5 · 16/01/2011 12:13

does his sister own her own home?

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 12:14

Does the OP have any savings?
How will you support the child if the relationship breaks down?

theevildead2 · 16/01/2011 12:15

I wouldn't push the issue- you will lose him.

He has helped his sister out in a way that is totally acceptable. She clearly has to have heat through the Winter for her daughter and he's helping her to become finacially independant by helping her become a SW.

If you continue to be woried about how he spends his money after only 6 months of living together ... well tbh you seem a bit after his cash and I think he will see it that way too.

Original poster
dertitude · 16/01/2011 12:15

No she doesn't own her own home she lives in a council house.

Yes I do have savings

OP posts:
mutznutz · 16/01/2011 12:16

Can I ask how long you two have been together? I know you've been living together for 6 months, but how long since you got together?

Original poster
dertitude · 16/01/2011 12:17

We've been together 2 years

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 12:17

I've got two children.

I have brought them up to expect to be independent but to know that they can count upon one another (and us of course but we may not be there).

I'm a bit shocked by this - tbh. You sound incredibly mercenary and totally on the make.

ariane5 · 16/01/2011 12:18

does she have a job at the moment? i do not see why she cannot support herself? i am a single parent with 3 disabled children and although my brother has a very good job he does not need to help me out, i pay my own bills and what i cant afford i go without ?

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 12:18

Did you discuss this with him before he moved in with you?

tyler80 · 16/01/2011 12:19

Ariane5 - a lot of people would prefer to support their siblings even if they could 'make do' without their help

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2011 12:22

You are coming across as even more unreasonable as the thread continues.

Morloth · 16/01/2011 12:22

The sister's actual circumstances are not relevant. The man wants to use his money to support his sister, he has made it clear to the OP that he does not intend to change this. It is up to the OP to make a decision as to whether to stay in this relationship/have children with him knowing this.

This isn't a new thing where he is not supporting his children in order to care for someone else.

It sounds like the OP can take it or leave it.

ariane5 · 16/01/2011 12:24

yes, i can see that but even if that was the case for me and my brother ever offered me financial help i would not be allowed to accept as then it would be benefit fraud and i would rather struggle than do something wrong.

its ever so hard as i can see it from both points of view, i do think offering more practical rather than financial help would be better though, rather than just give her money give her the time to earn her own by babysitting etc or helping out in other ways so she can get her studying done.

maybe its all a bit close to home for me! my ex took it an extreme though (thing is his sis was actually lovely and i got on great with her but the money thing meant she always came first Sad)

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/01/2011 12:25

"I'd hate to need financial help from my brother" - yet you expect a man you've lived with for just 6 months to provide for you.

Its his money and your relationship is very new, 6 months living together is nothing. Perhaps his sister thinks you're just after his money especially as a baby is already on the cards.

Good for him supporting his sister in return for raising him, I hope he puts his foot down and continues to support his family.

NonnoMum · 16/01/2011 12:26

I think he sounds like an absolutely lovely brother.

Lucky you to have found such a nice man.

Don't have babies with him if his generosity is going to bother you.

Find a tighter man to conceive with.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/01/2011 12:26

You begrudge a child, your dps niece a warm home, now, do you? And you begrudge the woman who has raised your boyfriend means to better her career prospects?

I think you need to recognize that his sister has been in his life a lot longer than you have been in his life. She has also cared for HIM.

You also need to recognize that although 2500 is a lot of money over three months, they have been spent sensibly. We paid 2k to replace our boiler, 6 years ago. Laptops are not cheap either. He is providing her with means to study, so she can earn an income of her own.

You already have an income, don't you?

But I bet it bugs you, because in YOUR mind, the money would be better spent on you...

I honestly think you come across as a money grabbing gold digger. You dont recognize that this is an honourable man with care and empathy for his family, instead you are miffed that he does not spend the money on YOU.

On 18 and 42k, you don't really NEED to save for a baby. But a child that is already born, needs to stay warm. Shame that you begrudge this child a warm home.

I honestly think you are living under a bridge, because nobody could be so callous...

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 12:27

'It is up to the OP to make a decision as to whether to stay in this relationship/have children with him knowing this.'

She comes across as wanting to change him, now she's done him the favour of moving into his house. And the fact that he earns more than twice as much as her has no bearing on her TTC.
He sees his family as including his sister and niece.
She sees it as her +1.

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 12:27

Perhaps when his sister is qualified and financially independent he will stop giving her money...especially if he has his own child by then.

borderslass · 16/01/2011 12:28

Personally I think he sounds like a decent bloke but i'd be careful if I was you op you've posted specific details and your DP's sister or someone who knows her could be reading this now.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/01/2011 12:28

I have a better idea.

Why dont you do your bf and his sister a favour and voice your concerns to him?

He better know early what sort of woman he is involved with, as I am sure it will impact greatly on his decisions regards to where his loyalties are.

arentfanny · 16/01/2011 12:31

Ariane - he has given her practical help, he has enabled her with his gift of a laptop to study to better her life.

mutznutz · 16/01/2011 12:31

Quintessential She has voiced her concerns to him.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home

theevildead2 · 16/01/2011 12:34

Maybe after you have had your child you will be able to feel some empathy for a woman who can't afford to keep her kid warm and who is trying to improve her life by becoming a SW

byrel · 16/01/2011 12:34

I agree with the OP, if you are TTC then he shouldn't be shelling out money in this way it would be far better to save it because you may need it in the future. You have a fairly high income so you may want to send your children to private school for example and saving is always prudent.
Also if he's been doing this regularly then I think some financial dependence may have been created where she sees her brother as a source of free money. That will be a hard cycle to break but it needs to be done, sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.

ariane5 · 16/01/2011 12:34

yes i suppose laptop could be considered practical help arentfanny i had not thought of it like that i think my night of no sleep with ds is making me miss things!

i dont understand boiler thing though as councils do that sort of thing for their tenants ( iam in council house and they do repairs/replace boiler etc) something doesnt quite ring true with all this or maybe its my lack of sleep again...