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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:
BrandyAlexander · 16/01/2011 14:57

I have always supported various members of my family whenever they have needed my help.DH knew this before we started living together and got married that as far as I am concerned this is part of my financial committments. I have done well in life and am financially stable and would not be able to sit by and just watch my family struggle if I could be of help to them. If DH had ever questioned this we would never have got married because I would have known that we didn't share the same morals or values in life. I wouldn't wish unhappiness on anyone but I wouldn't blame your DP for coming to the same conclusion as I think the in the long terms you will cause him more grief than you're worth.

Oh and by the way, with his background and the role that his sister played in his life, of course it would be like a job interview when she first met you.

Final thought, I knew that I had met the right man for me, when I knew that if we had children I would want them to be like him. You're thinking of TTC. If you have two children, you really wouldn't want them to help each other out if one of them was able to do so and the other was down on their luck? Hmm

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 14:58

Even on 42000 there could be a clash of loyalties. It won't work unless he understands his own child would come first. On 42000 a child of his would have a stable comfortable upbringing, if he's supporting his sister aswell his own child might not. I wouldn't get too involved

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 15:01

So the OP needs to up her gameplan and find someone with either
a No living relatives
b Twice the income, and secure for life
c completely devoted to her and only her
Preferably all three.
Good Luck with that OP.

2blessed2bstressed · 16/01/2011 15:02

You sound mean OP - and the fact that you're in his house, have only been there 6 months and do not yet have any children means in my mind that you don't yet have the right to dictate to him how he spends what you're selfishly referring to as "our" money. I doubt it would be £2500 every three months, his poor sister has just had a run of bad luck, and she is very fortunate that her lovely brother has been in a position to help her - as she did for him when they were growing up.
I honestly don't think that you've been on the scene long enough to be in a position to comment...and as for the possible future children, I imagine that since your dp has clearly such a well developed sense of family obligation and is kind and thoughtful, you really don't need to worry about him looking after them too.

ItsAllaBitDeathlyQuiet · 16/01/2011 15:05

I want byrel to post more.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:07

GC he has a strong commitment to his sister and niece by the looks of it. IMO I wouldn't risk ending up second best with a child in tow. If he wants a baby why isn't he saving up? Not that everyone is in a position to save but surely in these times it would be a good idea to have something to fall back on if you can do it

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 15:12

If I were your DP I'd be having a long, hard think about wanting to start a family with you. You sound very hard, you know the circumstances of your DP's childhood yet you begrudge him helping his DSis and DN.

My SIL is like you (as you've presented here) and nobody in the family likes her; she's a moneygrubber who has no sense of what 'family' means.

Goblinchild · 16/01/2011 15:15

If I was him SC, I wouldn't risk being in relationship with someone so at odds with my expectations either.
Let her save up if she wants to bring a child into the world, without having to rely on a man devoting his income exclusively to her direction. She just sounds greedy to me.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:16

And all the stuff about knowing his sister longer is redundant once he has a child with the OP. Just because he comes across lovely for supporting his sister it doesn't mean the OP wouldn't be left high and dry. There are men who respect their mum and sisters but disrespect their wives. OP you need to talk to him. Does he really want his own family? If he ever lost his job or had to cut hours would he still expect to support his sister? Is it genuinely just in emergencies or does she expect money from him as the norm?

2blessed2bstressed · 16/01/2011 15:16

spikeycow - but a strong commitment to his dsis and dn indicates to me that he has a strong sense of family and is going to be a fabulous and caring dad who wants the best for his own child too when they come along, not someone whose own child is going to be considered "second best". I really don't understand why you would think that.

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 15:19

This is what I mean.

It's all very well having that sense of 'family' and him wanting to help his sister, but obviously he wants the OP to be part of his family too. With the best will in the world he may not always have the finances to keep helping his sister with money.

I dont see the OP appearing money-grabbing or greedy at all. She is trying to make a decision for the future, and he needs to realise that adding people to his family is a costly exercise.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:19

I agree with not relying on a man solely. But he earns the bigger wage and maybe the OP would want time at home with the baby before going back to work. The husband on the other thread was suggesting his wife go back to work before she was ready, she had a child, just so he could support mummy. That's wrong

iwerta · 16/01/2011 15:20

Do we know that he's not saving money, if he's earning 42k then his after tax income is about 30k. He could still pay the mortgage sustain him and her particulary if she is contributing and help his sister as well as saving some of his income couldn't he?

Obviously this depends on size and interest rate of mortgage

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:21

2blessed, I wouldn't touch a man like the OP's with a barge pole TBH. I just wouldn't risk it. Being nice to his sister doesn't predict how he'll treat his own partner and child ufortunately. In an ideal world it would

MorticiaAddams · 16/01/2011 15:26

You do sound quite grabby OP.

Your DP's sister helped him get where he is today and now that she is training, he is helping her. I think you should be proud of the man he is.

Gomez used to help his sister out when we first met and moved in together. Not quite to the extent that your dp does but he was younger and on a training wage himself. He had an alcoholic mother and never there father and has always felt a responsibility to his sister. I always took it as a good sign of things to come and was proved right.

2blessed2bstressed · 16/01/2011 15:30

ah right. Much better if he was a complete bastard to his sister then. Now I get it Hmm

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:36

If the OP has a child with him they won't come first. He's already defensive. His sister should support herself like every other single mum, but she never will, and the OP will have to fight for her childs needs. He has already belittled her opinion, showing it means nothing compared to his on a pedestal sister. I'd run as fast as I could, it sounds like a living hell

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 15:37

Hang on a tic..so when he does have children and tells his sister he can no longer afford to give her money he will be seen as a complete bastard?

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:38

Look, nobody on here would accept their own child having less if their own H or P wanted to support his mum, uncle, sister, whoever. When you have children that's your first priority, and the OP shouldn't have to argue for that, it should just be a taken for granted matter. But it isn't.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:39

That's if he tells his sister that Deciduous. A very big if

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 15:45

I disagree - the brother has character and sense of family. I can't believe the responses here suggesting that the sister is 'on a pedestal' or should manage like any other single Mum. Hmm

FGS... the OP states that they are only thinking of TTC. She should walk away - and he should run, quickly, in the opposite direction.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:47

Well she shouldn't have a child with a man who won't consider her feelings. Better she finds that out now than later when she's pregnant.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 15:50

And why does everyone assume because he's nice to his sister he'll be nice to the OP forever more? It'll just be a power struggle all the way, between past and future, sister and partner. Not worth getting into. Where are you OP? Do you think it would be like this? I'm just thinking of worse case scenarios

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 15:54

spikeycow... Why would you assume that he wouldn't? You've got evidence of a man with character and a sense of looking after his family. OP/child would be family also... so?

I agree though, definitely not worth getting into. If I were a bloke, I wouldn't want children with the OP... imagine the struggle I'd have trying to bring them up with compassion for others with a mother who has her gimlet eye on everything material.

There are enough selfish people in the world as it is.

Takeresponsibility · 16/01/2011 15:56

DP obviously feels he has a prior financial commitment to his sister because she practically raised him. You have known this for a long time and moved in with DP knowing this was the situation.

£2,500 for both a boiler and a laptop sounds really low so either she made a part contribution (either from a council grant or savings) or they bought second hand, plus how often does one need a new boiler, not every month.She certainly does not sound as if she is bleeding him dry.

I do wonder however why you are even thinking about bringing a child into a relationship where the two of you cannot discuss finances reasonably "what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home" is not sensationalist, it exactly describes the situation that would have occured had he not helped out. Equally you now want to change a situation that you were happy to accept when you moved in with him. You either taske your DP as you find him, previous financial commitments and all or you don't and you find someone who you can live with without altering him.