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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:
beade · 16/01/2011 21:50

Having read this thread again, I think you really need to question whether you have a long term future together. He sounds like he had a fairly traumatic childhood which was eased by his sister at great personal sacrifice to herself and wishes to repay that. You sound like you are only interested in how much money you can accumulate and appear to have no thought or consideration for the situation of others, I can't see you living happily ever after. if I'm honest. I think you need to look at your perspective on life because its fairly unpalatable for most

nickschick · 16/01/2011 21:53

Beade thats harsh,if the OP hasnt come from a family that is so sharing with finances she will obviously find it harder to understand.

I think all of us in the beginnings of a relationship see things in their partners finances we hope to change.

kittybuttoon · 16/01/2011 22:02

Not me, nickschick- I agree with Beade on this one.

OP freely admits she wants her partner's cash for her own needs. It's nothing to do with the way she's been brought up - she's an adult who makes her own decisions.

She's a breadhead, he isn't. They don't seem very suited.

Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 22:03

I love the expression 'breadhead'. Never heard it before. So apposite.

byrel · 16/01/2011 22:13

I don't think the OP is a breadhead, she is TTC and wants to make sure that any child could be afforded and can be given the best life possible and this includes scrutinsing. From this thread she has already learnt he is either lying or being lied to

FabbyChic · 16/01/2011 22:20

I've to wonder if as my son when he goes to work after Uni will be helping his Mother (me) if any future gf might get a bit pissed about it and try to stop it.

lokaku · 16/01/2011 22:32

YANBU this arrangement sounds really weird to me

BuzzLightBeer · 16/01/2011 22:41

weird that a grown man gives his own money to his sister when she needs it instead of to his new money-grabbing tax avoiding girlfriend?

lokaku · 16/01/2011 22:45

Does she need it, by the sounds of it he's been doing this for sometime and that this 2500 is an increase in the normal amount. If it were an occaisonal thing then fair enough but it isn't.

cat64 · 16/01/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CurrySpice · 16/01/2011 23:01

@charliesmommy.

Tax avoidance is legal. Tax evasion is illegal.

No idea which the OP's falls under tbh but tax avoidance is NOT legal.

CurrySpice · 16/01/2011 23:02

Dammit!!

tax avoidance is NOT illegal

CurrySpice · 16/01/2011 23:02

Dammit!!

tax avoidance is NOT illegal

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 23:03

For those of you going on about tax avoidance and the Inland Revenue etc etc etc, get over it please.

This is what happens when you are self employed, I'm afraid. You get to pay yourself a minimum amount of money and the rest you receive is counted as dividends, therefore pretty much untouchable. This is how self employed people get away with paying very little maintenance through the CSA.

I don't think this legal loophole is the reason behind the partners sister not getting enough benefits..good grief, or anyone receiving enough benefits. She should be receiving as much as anyone else on their own with a child, and I know many who don't need handouts from anyone for boilers, laptops etc..heck, not even food.

Back to the OP. Actually, I was on the OPs side from the beginning and now I am stuck to her like glue! it looks to me as if the sister is milking it a bit and the brother feels guilt laden into continuing support. I didn't say he shouldn't do it, but I think he needs to address the situation if he has a partner and a child in the offing.

I believe that is fair.

Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 23:12

No, actually, there is legitimate tax avoidance and there is fraud upon the Revenue.

This is not legitimate tax avoidance. I do not know why you have brought payment of dividends rather than salary into the equation - being as it is entirely irrelevant as it is not what is happening here - but this is NOT tax avoidance.

BuzzLightBeer · 16/01/2011 23:13

Nowhere does it say the sister is on benefits. And how exactly can you diagnose guilt in a person you've never met based on sparse comments by someone else you've never met?

Wind your necks in and give it over!

Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 23:16

It's oft-quoted that tax avoidance is not illegal (that is not entirely true btw but best leave it there) whilst tax evasion is illegal (that bit is true).

What is true is that legitimate tax planning is legal. Indeed that is how I service my clients.

I would never endorse a scheme that is fraudulent - as here - where the OP is paying for services above and beyond what has been rendered. Clearly crosses a line.

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 23:27

I was quoting someone else who said that the OPs 'Tax evasion/avooidance/whatever' was the reason the sister wasn't getting enough benefits to live on, Buzzlightyear.

It only looks to me as if the brother may feel guilty because of the support his sister gave him when he was younger. That would be a natural, and not entirely negative (or unheard of) reaction on his part. As other posters are looking into the OPs personality without knowing her I thought I would do the same ;)

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 23:30

Quattro, I mentioned dividends as it is quite often relevant to self-employment status. I have no idea whether this happens in the OPs case, it was a guess. May well have been totally off the mark but every self-employed person I know works on that system.

Sorry if I offended. I'll get my coat!

2dogs1baby · 17/01/2011 00:31

He sounds lovely.

You sound awful.

You wouldn't give your parents money if they needed it for a boiler then?! Christ, and you want to become a mother!

You don't find the fact that you earn 18k & him 42k unfair? You live in his house too that he earns?!!

I could go on for days. Being a single mum myself if my brother was so kind to me and my daughter I'd be so proud of him & thankful. I'm not surprised his sister didn't like you.

onmyfeet · 17/01/2011 05:24

He is helping his flesh and blood, and is not using your money. He sounds like a wonderful caring person. Open your heart.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 17/01/2011 06:16

So are you making 18k or more with your dodgy dealing withbyour brother? And you are looking for ammo on your sil, is this cause you are worried she knows what your up to?

You sound very cold, controlling and prepared to do whatever it takes to get what you want. You want to change who your dp is.

magicmummy1 · 17/01/2011 07:48

Fifteen years ago, shortly after I met my dh, he told me about his family background and about his ongoing financial commitments to his mum and sister, who would otherwise be living in poverty (overseas). I entered into a committed relationship with dh in full knowledge of these commitments, and I can honestly say that I have never once questioned or resented them.

At present, he probably spends around £10,000 a year on supporting extended family - there have been years when it has been more. We are in the fortunate position of being able to afford this, but it does impact on our lifestyle, but that's fine - I can manage without a few of my wants in order to ensure that my sil and her kids have access to what they need.

dh's love and support for his family is one of the things I most admire about him, and I struggle to see how anyone could see this as a negative unless out of pure selfishness and greed. What on earth is dysfunctional about helping a family member who needs it?!

During the years that we have been together, there have been a few periods in which dh hasn't been earning, and I have been entirely happy to continue supporting his family from my income. Yes, it might mean a few less toys and luxuries for my dd, but at least her cousins have a roof over their heads and the chance to go to school.

op, I think you need to accept that your dp wishes to support his sister and this will probably never change. It doesn't mean that your dcs will go hungry, but he may well think that supporting his sister is a higher priority than luxuries for his own family, and that's a perfectly reasonable point of view - you just need to decide if you can live with that, and if you can't, then you need to find someone else to fund the lifestyle that you're after.

popelle · 17/01/2011 08:01

I think the OPs sister has got you sussed out, that is why she isn't very friendly towards you. You seem to want to ride off the back of her brother. I can't see your relationship lasting whereas the one with his sister will.

marantha · 17/01/2011 08:04

At the moment you are being unreasonable, if you were married had 3 children and had been for 10 years, I'd be on your side. But it seems that as you've only lived together for a few months with no children(s*d all amount of time) you've no right to be telling him what to do with his money just yet.