to not want DP to give money to his sister

[dertitude]

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

Why is it it that some people think they have a complete right to tell another adult what to do financially when they've lived together for s*d all amount of time and have no children?

"This is taking out the issue of it being family, but I bet the answers on here would be a hell of a lot different if OP's DP was refusing to stop spending £800 a month on going out or a hobby."

But you can't take the family out of it. That's like saying spending money on food is the same as spending money on gambling - one is generally considered neccessary and a good thing and the other isn't.

And anyway, it the 800 a month didn't result in pemury for the OP and her baby I don't see why it would matter.

Oh and dertitude as you are so obviously concerned with money and its effects (even begrudging the money your boyfriend gives to his sister- money which she THOROUGHLY deserves and demonstrates what a good chap he is) may I recommend getting a wedding band on your finger before ttc? After all, surely getting wed is the financially correct thing to do for people who take covet money so much. You wouldn't want to be left financially down in event of split, would you?

YABU. His sister is his family, just like your potential future child and possibly you may become (after 6 mths living together, I wouldn't class you as family yet). I think your DP sounds like a decent, honourable, responsible man. If he had other children, would you be trying to reduce his spending on them so that you and your possible child could have more? If you want a good relationship with your DP, then you should be trying to embrace your relationship with his sister who has done so much for him (and perhaps sacrificed her own economic chances to some extent by doing so). I think you would be reasonable in asking DP if you can work out together a joint spending budget that includes the money he spends on his sister (but you should NOT be trying to reduce that) - so that you both know where you are financially
By the way, have you ever read Sense & Sensibility by Jane Austen? Read the first 2 pages. It has a well-off man's wife very cleverly and maliciously talking him out of his financial responsibility towards his sisters (because she wants more money for herself & their son. She doesn't come out looking good.

I don't understand the comment about 'throwing your lot in' when people move in together. OK, they might be but not always. In fact, moving in for most people is an unstable arrangement that usually breaks down OR converted to marriage when things are accepted as being permanent.
I think this relationship falls into the NOT throwing lot in category- his house, no children, bills paid equally but this is what happens between flatmates/housesharers.
I really do think OP is making this relationship set-up to be more serious than it is to an objective observer.
I would run a mile if a bloke I was shacking-up with told me what to do with my money after 6 piddling months together.

As far as I know Yes, the council will replace boilers, but it may take them months. My neighbour (council tenant) ended up having to replace hers herself, because she could never get through to the council, they needed to review the situation, quoted her some silly time two months down the line. She was freezing her butt off and caved in. Her boyfriend lent her the money.

Ammo goes PoooF!

YABU - she (and his daughter) are his FAMILY and he is a kind, generous and lovely person to support them so. I have - and would - do the same for my family, as would my DH - and neither of us would begrudge it of the other and we do have real (as opposed to hypothetical) children to add into the equation. You cut your cloth accordingly.

OP - YABU for telling DP what to do with his money, but YANBU to be very concerned that his sister is going to be a maddening annoyance hampering your relationship.

Dont start a family with this man unless you are happy to subsidise her out of your family finances. He'll never stop throwing money at her becasue he thinks he owes her.

Too much baggage. I'd walk away.

agree cc

The council will replace a boiler within a week, especially where there are children involved.

YANBU I'd get away from this guy, he sounds far too close to his sister who admittedly does sound to have done a lot for him but he isn't a little boy anymore and he needs to move on, he can't feel obliged to subsidise his sister forever.

YANBU It sounds to me like he is always going to be in his sisters pocket and that this process of him shelling out cash will never end. You don't have to pay for a new boiler in a council house so whatever that money he gave was spent on, it wasn't what he thinks. Many men are like this except its normally with their mothers not their sisters and you shouldn't touch them with a bargepole.
Also how old is this sister, shouldn't she have trained for a job years ago. OP how do they behave around it each other?

YABU.

It's his business what he does with his money if I were him and you got on my case about it I'd dump you.

Big Fat Troll. Her brother's gone from 16 to 23 in the last year. On one thread she has a DH. Meh.

he doesnt give her money like this all the time though right? it sounds like he gave her it because she really needed it? things are bound to change as time goes on and when you start thinking about a family but you have only been tog six months and its not like she is taking the piss out of him is it? you need to give this whole thing more time and it is his money and like others have said, as long as he has paid bills etc - she obviously means a lot to him and he is helping her out

what is going on perArdua? who is a troll?!

MsKLo - Dertitude changes its story a lot - I don't know what it's doing here but no need to feed it.

I know quite a lot about self employment and taxation, and dividends are not the same as mis-using someone elses tax allowance by claiming they are earning the money then taking it back off them, and paying a backhander for it.

oh ok! why do that?! what is the point?! how silly! wow, and the story is not even that interesting if made up! that is weird!

And if it's on £18k a year then I'm pretty sure she'd only see pennies difference from the 'arrangement' with the 16/23 yo brother.

OP doesn't seem too fazed by people calling her a bitch, a breadhead, money-grubber, would let her parents freeze to death before helping them, etc. She just comes back with another fairly inflammatory post like "now I have ammo" or whatever that way. Doesn't even blink at the personal insults.

Agreed, very troll-like.

that is just odd - do people really just make up stories for threads?! weiiiiiird!

i can see the tax avoidance is it legal/illegal being an issue, BUT if the sister is living in a council house and studying to be a social worker and a lone parent then is she claiming benefit?

if so she is also doing wrong unless she is declaring the money.i could be wrong she may not even be claiming but its just a thought.