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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end it

222 replies

Flojo1979 · 11/01/2011 21:36

My boyfriend came to stay this wkend as it usually the case. I wish he'd stay forever but he "likes his space". On friday he was ill, throwing up, he stayed in bed all day and i looked after my kids whilst checking on him and asking him if he wanted anything etc. By next day i was sick as a dog too. But had to get up and look after my kids and muddle thro. I tutted and sighed along the way, while bf sat on sofa all day not lifting a finger and complaining he still felt ill. In end i said u could at least try to help me, he replied they r your kids stop being a bitch and shut your mouth. I told him i would not be spoken to like that and told him to leave, he replied if he left he wouldnt come back, to which i burst in to tears and begged him to stop being a bully and stay. He left with some sneering parting shot.
I've been with him a year and keep thinking no one is perfect so maybe i should put up n shut up??

OP posts:

ValiumSilverTongue · 16/01/2011 23:58

Flojo, somebody ELSE will one day be 'the guy you want' (can't remember exactly how you phrased that), but it will never be your x.

He may up the ante tomorrow so beware, He might send you a small box of chocolates and some cheap flowers. or worse, nauseating poetry about his wounded soul.

BUT then, when he figures out it hasn't fooled you, he may get angry with you again.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 17/01/2011 12:05

No upped ante as yet, maybe he got the message, i dont know where to be relieved or wounded that he didnt care enough to fight harder, urghhhh, i know i shouldnt care less either way. And u know what, I woke up this morning buzzing, I cant explain, i know its swings and roundabouts and i've a long way to go. But its been a wk today and i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

OP posts:

mommmmyof2 · 17/01/2011 13:13

I think you will have good days and bad, just try to remember the bad days will get less, and when you do have them just think back to how you felt today :)

DirtyMartini · 17/01/2011 17:10

A week, well done! :)

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 17/01/2011 21:02

Oh god valium, its like some cliche :(
Ante upped. Turned up this eve complete with box of fave chocolate (hes never bought me chocolates, or anything cept token bday/xmas pres b4) which he took with him when i said no.
Begged me to take him back, promises he'll change, says he wants to be a family with my kids, says he missed my DCs sooo much, says he'll move in, do whatever i want etc. Says "it'll be different", i reply "how?" he says "dont know, whatever u want" i say "clearly u turned up here with no plan, no thought about what u wanted and how u were gonna acheive it. Selfish for making things more difficult for me and letting DC1 see u and start asking after u again" he says "sorry please take me back".

OP posts:

echt · 17/01/2011 21:11

So did you show him the door?

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 17/01/2011 21:13

Yes, after about half an hour of trying to explain to him that our relationship was destructive, though i do feel unsure whether i should give it one last go and hold him to his word.

OP posts:

mommmmyof2 · 17/01/2011 21:53

If you were to give him another chance do you think that hand on heart he would change?

If you take him back just be careful, he may see this as a chance to do it over and over again.But I could be wrong, maybe just time apart without giving him a straight answer.

Give yourself time to do your own thing with your dc's too.

OTheHugeManatee · 17/01/2011 22:02

Don't take him back. He's had his last chance, again and again and again, and if you let yourself be bought for some cheap chocoloates and a pack of even cheaper lies he'll just see it as carte blanche to tread all over you until you can't get out any more.

Seriously. He's a shit. Run.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 17/01/2011 22:06

Thanx, I think maybe just say no and have that time out with the DCs and see how i feel in a month or 2, if he is genuine then he will have made some visable effort by then and if hes not then he'll have got bored waiting and moved on to someone else.

OP posts:

DirtyMartini · 17/01/2011 22:12

You did really well to be firm with him. No way should you give it one last go; imagine the work you'd be doing to "hold him to his word" when he doesn't even know what he's giving his word about.

He doesn't even know enough not to try and win you back by saying one of your dc is better than the other, ffs. He is a man-child, and useless.

So again, major pat on the back to you for staying strong. DO NOT WAVER! Single and strong and open to new things is a good place to be. Far better than linked to a bloke like that. You and your lovely dc deserve better.

mommmmyof2 · 17/01/2011 22:31

I think you are right though, if he wants you and really does mean it this time then a few months won't hurt him to wait and give you the space you need.

But you have done well, you just have to do what makes you happy.Don't let him pressure you into a decision :)

Rubyonthetown · 17/01/2011 23:46

Flojo - respect so far.

Don't take him back. I've been where you are and took mine back many many times over years and years.

Mine's gone now, for good, my dc's are teens. I hope they forgive me one day for walking round on eggshells while they were growing up.

Don't take him back.

Best of luck to you and your dc's. You'll meet someone else who is worthy of you and your lovely little family. He is not.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 19/01/2011 20:06

Ok guys slap me.
Ever since he turned up monday eve its gotten in my head space.

I was stupid enough to tell him I'd think about it and within a day he'd changed back to his usual arsey self.
He went from the begging, i'll do anything, i miss u and DCs, i want us to be a family to i do miss u but i want us to be a family when i'm ready not right now.
So i've told him where to stick it.
Trouble is its frazzled my head
Monday morning i woke up buzzing, like a weight was lifted and now i feel worse than ever for thinking for one min that i could have a happy family life

OP posts:

Goofymum · 19/01/2011 20:23

This guy has infected your whole being and like any virus it will take a while to get out of your system.

That's the only way I can describe him from your posts, I apologise! You just need time to get over him. Whatever he was like it sounds as if you cared for him and tried so hard to make it work.

Do not answer any more texts. It'll only prolong your healing process. He has serious issues but they are no longer your problem.

You were doing so well and Monday evening was just a little set back. Cut yourself some slack and start work on rebuilding yourself again.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 19/01/2011 22:17

Thanx

OP posts:

Toastiewoastie · 19/01/2011 22:34

slap

He hasn't changed, and you know that as you can see from your own post. Be gentle but firm with yourself. It is understandable that his behaviour has left you confused, and it is obvious that you need some more time to get to grips with it all.

In a few days your feelings will calm down. Do not talk to him except to say goodbye, do NOT let him into your life, your house or your heart. DO NOT let him persuade you back down.

claireybear82 · 19/01/2011 22:37

its the buzzing feeling that affected you. you feel shit now but felt good then so your brain thinks it must be right. but its not and in a few weeks you will wake up buzzing that you had the strength to get rid of this tosser. you just gotta have faith that the intial shit feeling WILL go away x

SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2011 22:44

It's a good thing that happened Flo. Honestly.

Now you know for sure that he is an immature, selfish prick and you don't have to drive yourself mad wondering if he is worth one more chance.

Add this to your armour of his previous choice comments for moments when you feel weak and lonely and focus on you and your lovely DCs.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 19/01/2011 23:10

Thanx guys, will do

OP posts:

DeeCeeDee · 20/01/2011 04:30

Youre not pathetic, probably worn out and worn down. Get rid of this idiot, please. He's in a relationship with you but 'likes his space'. Give him all the space he wants, tell him to f@ck off. He cant even be bothered to shift his lazy and unkind ass to look after you when youre ill. He doesnt care about you. Focus on bringing up your kids in a good environment, and also finding something for yourself to keep you interested in life. Hope you have family and friends around you. Just go for it. Good luck.

mommmmyof2 · 20/01/2011 09:20

He is an idiot! He had a chance to prove he could change but yet he still managed to make it about him.Nothing wrong with wanting everything to be ok, you want happiness and you thought he could change.

But now this has happened and I doubt he ever will now, HE needs to step back now and leave you alone.He can't give you what you need and is obviously not prepared to try so tell him you won't let him do it to you again.

Ignore him from now on, he has not once thought how this would affect you, and if you are hurt then so are your dc.

Some men just don't no how to be grown up's and it sounds he is very immature.As I said in a previous post, you are going to have bad days, proberly 99 percent of women on here have had their heart brocken.I have! But now is the time to think this will be the last time he gets to do it to you.With time life will get better.

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