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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end it

222 replies

Flojo1979 · 11/01/2011 21:36

My boyfriend came to stay this wkend as it usually the case. I wish he'd stay forever but he "likes his space". On friday he was ill, throwing up, he stayed in bed all day and i looked after my kids whilst checking on him and asking him if he wanted anything etc. By next day i was sick as a dog too. But had to get up and look after my kids and muddle thro. I tutted and sighed along the way, while bf sat on sofa all day not lifting a finger and complaining he still felt ill. In end i said u could at least try to help me, he replied they r your kids stop being a bitch and shut your mouth. I told him i would not be spoken to like that and told him to leave, he replied if he left he wouldnt come back, to which i burst in to tears and begged him to stop being a bully and stay. He left with some sneering parting shot.
I've been with him a year and keep thinking no one is perfect so maybe i should put up n shut up??

OP posts:

Jenski · 15/01/2011 22:15

Just read a little bit of your thread and wanted to say 'good luck'. If you put your children first you cannot lose x

Toastiewoastie · 15/01/2011 22:23

Valium is on the mark. Looking back, it was only when I stopped trying to make my x see things from my side, and just told him it was over, and that I didn't want him, that he (eventually) stopped pestering me to go back.

You can't reason with them. They have convinced themselves their lies are true, that's what makes them so convincing.

Well done Flo, keep it up!

Chloe55 · 16/01/2011 08:48

Jenski makes a lot of sense. Your children are the most important things in your life, they do not need to be surrounded by a very unhealthy relationship. The present is looking bleak to you at the moment but you will all thrive as a family if you keep this 'selfish child' out of it. Stay strong Flojo

ValiumSilverTongue · 16/01/2011 10:11

Thanks toastie, wish it hadn't taken me 18 months to figure it out.

Flojo, it's hard because at first, not defending yourself feels like being a doormat. But it's not. For years I thought I was strong and not a doormat because I did constantly challenge him on all his bad behaviour (so therefore we were constantly arguing because he was utterly determined never to change).

The only times things were ever calm were when I "put up and shut up" and sometimes I did do that when I was weary of fighting with him. And then I did feel like a doormat.. but at least there was peace for a day or two.

But it's totally different now. You ended things. He's appealling to your good nature to forgive him (don't). The least doormat position of all is to give him the impression you care so little what an x boyfriend thinks of you that you can let him fire off insults without needing to respond to them.

Because we all know, and he knows, that it takes superhuman strength not to respond to a string of insults and accusations.

If you resist that, and don't allow yourself to be drawn in then he will realise that you're not that doormat.

mommmmyof2 · 16/01/2011 10:35

All I can say to all of this is good luck, he will be a lonely man if he treats people like that.I have known too many men who are like that, who thrive on your insecurities and thats how they keep you there.
I just hope that you can get through it with your dc as it is hard but definatly better in the long run :)

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 11:14

Thanx guys, gonna enjoy some much needed 1-1 time with DC2 today, lots of messy play and remind myself how much fun it is just to play and see her squeal with laughter instead of try to quieten her down or spend the wkend fitting her in to bf plans, from now on, i'm gonna fit in to my 2 yr olds plans, if she wants to make loadsa noise and paint her hair green then i'll be giggling along with her, not reprimanding her cos some bloke thinks i should.
Time to toughen up!

OP posts:

salsmum · 16/01/2011 11:32

flojo, you say your so weak and scared of being on your own..you sound like you already ARE on your own..he offers you little help and you manage to do everything while you're ill you sound like you'll manage just fine without him being abusive to you and waiting on him too find someone who will treat you with respect it's no less than you deserve he doesnt sound too much like he wants to commit anyway give him his space and lots of it! you're better off without his self centered whinging...send him back to mum I hope you get well soon xx

PeachesandStrawberry · 16/01/2011 12:00

Well done for seeing sense and dumping him.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 16/01/2011 13:11

Thinking of you, Flojo, I think you're already strong enough! Keep smiling! Best wishes for you and your little ones.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 16/01/2011 13:18

You are on your own tho.....dump him, you deserve better !

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 16/01/2011 13:19

Oh, you ave done

Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 13:24

Thanx guys, just trying to keep busy :-)

OP posts:

ValiumSilverTongue · 16/01/2011 16:52

Absolutely agree with Salsmum. did he mind your children while you went out with your firends? did he cook for you? clean up? Did he contribute to the rent or the bills?

Did he in anyway make life easier??

or was it just the comfort you thought you might get from another breathing living human being in the room??? iykwim. I do understand that.... but the silence is peaceful.

MissQue · 16/01/2011 16:57

Hun, you'll be better off on your own than being bullied and told to shut up bitch! He won't help with the kids and he won't look after you when you're ill, so what's the point of having him around?

A loving partner will help you, whether he fathered your kids or not. You're a package deal and any man who comes into your life has to accept that.

monkeyflippers · 16/01/2011 17:02

Be strong. The man was bringing nothing positive into your or your dcs lives. If it helps (and it has with me in these situations) write down examples and reasons to finish it, then when you are feeling lonely read it, or when he is confusing you about what has happened and your feelings, read it again. It really helps get things straight in your head.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 17:13

Thanx i will do, just had some more texts hence back here taking mind off, roll on friday when can order new phone!

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monkeyflippers · 16/01/2011 19:39

What's he saying?

mommmmyof2 · 16/01/2011 19:44

Can't you block his number somehow? He needs to leave you now, please don't give in as it is so easy to do.But he does not sound like he deserves another chance!!

ValiumSilverTongue · 16/01/2011 20:52

Switch your phone OFF. and send people messages online. can you do that? i can do that with my network.

If you're too worried about friends thinkihng you're ignoring them, put a message on fb saying "phone broken, I'm not ignoring you".

And if he's on your list delete him.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 21:25

Hes been deleted from my fb and blocked on there but i dont really use it tbh. Cant seem to block him on phone.

Texts say
"Did u watch take me out last night"
I replied "dont contact me again"

Then got
"Why? Cant we even talk? I miss you"
I replied "Cos u usually tell me to shut up. No. Ok"

To which he sent
"I'm sorry I wont do that again"

I didnt reply to any more texts, but thought damn right u wont do it again cos i aint gonna speak to u to give u the opportunity to.

OP posts:

mommmmyof2 · 16/01/2011 21:36

best thing to keep telling yourself, we all make mistakes but if he loved you he would never have taken you so badly for granted.

Try ignore them infact don't even read them!!
Delete them straight away, I for one would say if you think it's worth saving then save it but even his texts just sound like a pathetic attempt to save his own skin.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 21:47

Well i guess i'd be lying if i said there wasnt a part of me thats wishes he'd turn up and have done all the things i need him to and be the guy i need him to, but if he has to change his entire personality to get there then whats the point. And if he even has to ask me what he needs to do then def no point cos clearly he hasnt listened to anything i've said. And there were times when i didnt hold back and said "please stop" or "i really wish u would" but that was usually met with "if i dont what u gonna do about it? Nothing? then shut up"
He keeps saying stuff like text, never do it again etc, but i know if i took him back within a month i'll be back were i started

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 21:49

I tell u what tho, me and DD (just turned 2 yr old) had such a lovely time today, we did some painting and we made cookies, i feel so guilty for not giving her the time or opportunity to have done it b4, but shes usually such a whirlwind that i worried bout the mess, now i'm gonna learn to relax and enjoy.

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mommmmyof2 · 16/01/2011 22:03

Don't feel guilty, she knows you love her that has not changed.There is nothing wrong with wanting something to work and putting alot of effort into that.Unfortunatly it seems you were the only one who was making the effort.
And you are proberbly right he will do it again, no one has the rights to treat you that way.There is someone out there who can give you what you need, but for now it seems to me you don't need anyone just you and your dd.
It is amazing how kids can make you focus at times like these :)

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 22:58

Yeah they do, we r looking forward to mum and tots group, gonna try keep busy and hopefully make some new friends along the way

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