To end it

[Flojo1979]

My boyfriend came to stay this wkend as it usually the case. I wish he'd stay forever but he "likes his space". On friday he was ill, throwing up, he stayed in bed all day and i looked after my kids whilst checking on him and asking him if he wanted anything etc. By next day i was sick as a dog too. But had to get up and look after my kids and muddle thro. I tutted and sighed along the way, while bf sat on sofa all day not lifting a finger and complaining he still felt ill. In end i said u could at least try to help me, he replied they r your kids stop being a bitch and shut your mouth. I told him i would not be spoken to like that and told him to leave, he replied if he left he wouldnt come back, to which i burst in to tears and begged him to stop being a bully and stay. He left with some sneering parting shot.
I've been with him a year and keep thinking no one is perfect so maybe i should put up n shut up??

"I'd just got it set up and you walked throught he door turned off the tv and said you're not playin that, I actually wanted to cry. "

He really said that??

He sounds very immature and selfish and just plain nasty imo.... please don't reply to his email. He really isn't worth another thought!

And well done for being brave enough to dump him in the first place and stick to your guns. It's not an easy thing to do even if you feel like he is treating you like shit (which he is). Just ignore him now and concentrate on moving on

Yeah, if you took him back, the terms would be that you'd never be able to challenge him, or expect any help or consideration from him, because he might cry

What was your 'part' in the breakup does he think!? the fact that you dared to ask him (an adult) for help? the fact that you weren't totally cool with him sitting there playing a game in your house while you rushed around looking after your kids and he griped about 'the chaos'.

He feels you should be grateful he was there at all due to the chaos. He was a real hero putting up with a comfy chair using your electricity and eating your food and shagging you in your bed!

Ha, how could i be such a muppet, grateful for the scraps he threw me. Even just these few days without him has made me feel more confident.

Several missed calls and lots n lots of texts later.
Text at midnight last night (phone was off so got them this morning) "cats sick please come and help" in translation meant, my cat is sick and i'm too drunk (for usual friday night out) to take it to vet and dont wonna pay for taxi, but clearly thought i could drag a 2 n 5 yr old out of bed and drive the half hour over there.

Texts this aft:
"I'm sorry, i wanted a life with u, i just wanted to take it slower than u and we were conflicted over it. my love for you was so strong but i had a funny way of showing it and u never looked deep enough. U dont know how i'm scared of commitment"

"what would i have to do to change your mind cos this isnt like the others i'm gonna fight for u this time its different"

Have just read this. He is a grade-A arsehole. You're very well rid and so are your kids! Keep strong x

(I very nearly posted 'keep stroganoff' thanks to autocorrect )

'U never looked deep enough'

So, so pathetic.

He knows exactly what i want, cos i asked him many times, to which he usually replied "and if i dont, what u gonna do about it?" and i usually replied "probably leave u" to which he usually replied "well do it then"
Well guess what, i did!

Ummm i've no idea what he meant by deep enough, i can only guess he meant 'u never put up with my shit for as long as i expected'.

If I were you, I would tell anyone who asks in RL that you have been deleting his texts unread. If that gets back to him it will frustrate him no end to think all his attempts to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you have gone unread.

My prediction is that if you continue to not reply, the messages will become angrier and nastier. All the more reason not to ever give him the satisfaction of confirming that you have read them.

maybe he did want a life with you, a nice easy life, while you pandered to his every whim and he trained you never to ask for any help. From his perspective, I can believe he wanted a life with you.

Flojo1979, I know it's slightly different because I lived with my x and he was the father of my children but he treated me like a slave and he had such a sense of entitlement it would make your eyes water. He was also so mean with money that I felt really trapped. Whenever I challenged him or tried to get him to treat me better he'd say 'put up or shut up'. Or another one of his favourites was 'shape up or ship out'. I can't believe it now!!! that I didn't leave years before I did...

I said to him once 'what do you think is going to happen here? do you think I'll put up with this forever?' and he just smirked.

I agree, delete the texts unread.

The only thing, and I mean this quite literally, the only thing I've ever done which has made my x respect me (an ounce) is to cut him off stone dead. he said to my mum in a whiney voice "why won't valium talk to me?" and my Mum said "well, she's not obliged to is she, she chooses not to".

ps, also lol here at " you never looked deep enough. Were you obliged to borrow the Fenix drill from the Chileans and then put his soul under an electron microscope looking for evidence of what a good man he is????

He is just like my x. My x thought I was obliged to bend over backwards to accommodate him, see the best in him, cut him slack, sacrifice my career for parenthood (of his kids too), and yet he never, ever, ever reciprocated it. All he did was berate me for not bending over backwards far enough.

sorry, I'm a bit ranty here on your behalf because I know the cut of this guy's gate and I really don't want you to be fooled by his bullshit. You have to be strong, even if his cat has kittens and the kittens get swine flu and break their legs.

Ignore.

That is so right, i couldnt find the wrong but that was it, his sense of entitlement, he always wants, scrap that, he always believes he's entitled. Never does anything to get it, just expects things to fall out the sky and hit him on the head, like money or a job etc

I have known a few people like that and I don't think they ever really change. They are experts at finding ways to justify themselves, so it can take a long time to cotton onto them.

Hope he never darkens your door again :)

And you're right, i very nearly was fooled, when he rang and said his cat was about to die and he'd lost everything he loved...though strangely when he rang later wondering why i hadnt rang toi his beck n call his cat hadnt died.
Phone is no switched off, i've got my kids with me and i've told my folks that if they need to get hold of me in a hurry then ring my landline otherwise i'm unavailable until my kid back at school on monday.

Thanx martini, tho i dont think i've seen the last of him just yet, my concern is if i dont answer the phone that he'll come here instead.

If you do answer the phone, he will definitely see it as a win and keep pestering you. If you don't, then ok, maybe he will try turning up at your door but if he does, it will be entirely reasonable and consistent if you still don't engage with him and simply ask him to leave.

Just think of what everyone on here would say to keep you on track.

There is no reason why, if someone who has been cruel to you and rude about your children suddenly comes to your door, you have to let them in. You don't even have to stand and talk to them. You owe him nothing. So his cat is ill? A shame. Not your problem, though.

In fact, if you tell him to leave and he refuses, tell him you're ringing the police. Then do it. Keep your boundaries. Think of your kids.

Good luck. I don't know why I'm getting drawn in, I usually avoid these threads!

Awww sorry martini, if its any consolation, i dont usually do this. No one in RL knows i've broken up with him cos i just find talking about myself so self indulgent so this is really quite weird for me, but it def helping. I know if it werent for these threads i'd have cracked today. And evenings r def the toughest, kids in bed, nowt on telly etc.

So stay on here Flo - you are being incredibly strong and have definitely made the right decision. It seems your mind is a little confused at the moment and you keep flicking between whether you have made a mistake or not. DO NOT have contact with him now as he will catch your weakness if you drop your guard at any point. If he comes round, ignore him - if he is persistent ask him to leave and threaten police action if he doesn't. If he doesn't leave follow through with your threat. Keep strong and if you start doubting yourself again come back on here and post.

Thanx Chloe

YANBU.

It is really hard to break it off with these men!

I know from my own x and from listening to hundreds of MN-ers, they don't accept that a relationship has to be wanted by both parties. When you try to break it off they will literally argue you into the ground, as though the relationship continuing or not continuing was a court case. They are the prosecuting barrister (if that's the right legal jargon).

But hold firm. JUST because somebody is temporarily saying something a little bit nicer to you than they had been saying to you up 'til now, that doesn't mean you're obliged to go out with this person!!

We have been conditioned by the end of the relationship to believe we are cold hard bitches for not giving them another chance.

I advise picking a phrase that can't be argued with.

For example, if you say "that time when I was sick and you didn't help me...." it'll get you nowhere. They'll just counter that with their side.

You're better off not bothering even to try and make him see^. He'll never* see. So just pick a phrase that can't be argued with and repeat it ad infinitum.

eg, I don't want this anymore.

This is how I mentally escaped from my x. Whenever he told me what a crap girlfriend I'd been, instead of defending myself, I'd just say "I don't want to you either" or "I am disappointed and let down myself".

My x only let go of his 'argue-grip' on me when I stopped defending myself, and stopped trying to 'make him see'.

I think thats really good advice valium, I know i'm terrible for arguing the point til its death, especially when its defending myself, as was so often the case.
I felt so strong a few days ago but now i feel at rock bottom, i seem to be ok til today then one min ok and then fighting of the tears the next, not sure why today. I think i've just had enough and i'm so scared hes gonna break thro one min then the next i find myself thinking well it wasnt all that bad.

Well done Flojo. Sounds like you have had a really difficult few days but you are doing so well.

I find lists work. Why not write a list of all the bad bits about him (not opinions, just facts). Then when you feel wobbly, look at this list and see all the reasons why you shouldn't be with him/answer his texts/emails etc.

Then write a list of all the fun you are going to have with DCs

Thanx nat, good plan