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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end it

222 replies

Flojo1979 · 11/01/2011 21:36

My boyfriend came to stay this wkend as it usually the case. I wish he'd stay forever but he "likes his space". On friday he was ill, throwing up, he stayed in bed all day and i looked after my kids whilst checking on him and asking him if he wanted anything etc. By next day i was sick as a dog too. But had to get up and look after my kids and muddle thro. I tutted and sighed along the way, while bf sat on sofa all day not lifting a finger and complaining he still felt ill. In end i said u could at least try to help me, he replied they r your kids stop being a bitch and shut your mouth. I told him i would not be spoken to like that and told him to leave, he replied if he left he wouldnt come back, to which i burst in to tears and begged him to stop being a bully and stay. He left with some sneering parting shot.
I've been with him a year and keep thinking no one is perfect so maybe i should put up n shut up??

OP posts:
ValiumTinselton · 13/01/2011 18:44

Yes ignore ignore.

I used to think to myself "i've made my bed and I have to lie in it" or at least that's the voice that shouted over the voice that whispered "this is wrong, this is wrong".

You don't sound like a troll to me. You sound like somebody who's ground down and a bit lonely and you don't realise yet that it is far far better to be lonely on your own than lonely with a bully/user/sexist [delete as applicable or in my case leave them all in!]

You have your own place and he hasn't moved in. BE grateful for that! You could have kicked him out in his dressing gown and thrown his dirty tissues out after him. It was YOUR house and he was sitting around letting you pander to him, and yet when you asked for help he spoke to you like dirt. That lets you know that even if you never ask for help, when you occasionally need help and ask for it, he will be nasty to you to prevent you from asking for help.

He'll never make life easier, he'll only ever make it harder.

callmemrsfarenheit · 13/01/2011 19:32

EvilDead2, should read "DeadVile"! Knocking someone when they are already down is mean. Telling someone who obviously already has low self esteem that they are "attention seeking" and "stupid", not to mention accusing them of being complicit in the abuse of their own children will make them feel even more like a failure and worthless. Utterly counterproductive.

OP, FWIW, I came on here a few months ago with a similar situation. I got the same advice, which thankfully I had the wisdom to take. I needed the advice of disinterested and unbiased strangers.

I have been single (thanks mumsnet xx) now for all this time and haven't regretted it once.

When you have low self esteem it is very easy to fall into abusive/codependent relationships, and these relationships always further erode your self esteem and ability to be independent. You get to the point where you feel you are worthless and will never be able to live alone or find a loving partner. This is a lie. Firstly, even if you don't meet the right person (which is unlikely), you CAN be on your own and be happy. I am happier now than I ever was in any relationship. Who needs a man, if he will just make life harder for you? You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected.

I know I am a real person, and I can see where the OP is coming from, and that her situation is entirely plausible.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/01/2011 20:01

Evil- surely you're making these comments for a response, not the OP? Clever though, it has worked. Maybe if you had more self confidence we could give you attention for positive things not negative.

Megglevache · 13/01/2011 20:03

OMG he spoke to you like that in front of your children.

To share EP's saying DTMFA

"dump that muthafucker already"

PinkIceQueen · 13/01/2011 20:10

Haven't read the whole thread but in answer to the original OP, dump and good riddance!

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 13/01/2011 20:18

Thanks guys, callme u gave me such strength to see i will get thro and be better for it.
I came on to update.
my ex (yes i said ex!!) just put in an appearance, literally minutes ago and i'm so shocked at myself that i just had to share.
He turned up with my belongings (nothing worth bothering about) in a fashion that i can only describe as calling my bluff. Firstly i tried not to answer the door but after half an hour of him beating it and my DS being woken i just had to answer in the hope he would sod off. Which give him his due, he at least looked remorseful and said he was sorry, to which i said thanks thats some consolation prize to happily ever after, and told him my deicision was final and slammed the door in his face.
....Oh god even as i write this i'm being to think i was too harsh arghhhhh......no fear, my resolve wont break but i'm a nurse (well was until i had kids!) and hurting ppl just isnt something i'm comfortable with no matter what their crime.

OP posts:
dittany · 13/01/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 13/01/2011 20:36

thanks dittany i never looked at it that way, I'm not too bothered about myself, but the thought that later down the line he might not make some woman feel like i did then thats a great positive to come out of this mess

OP posts:
CubaCat · 13/01/2011 20:41

Well done Flojo! I've just read through this thread and while I was impressed by the way you'd decided enough was enough, I was concerned that the minute he came crawling back (as we all knew he would) you'd crumble and take him back. But you haven't, and I bet he's feeling really shocked that he can no longer say jump and you respond with how high.

Well done for being strong, and hope you and your DCs enjoy your hols.

CubaCat · 13/01/2011 20:42

Well done Flojo! I've just read through this thread and while I was impressed by the way you'd decided enough was enough, I was concerned that the minute he came crawling back (as we all knew he would) you'd crumble and take him back. But you haven't, and I bet he's feeling really shocked that he can no longer say jump and you respond with how high.

Well done for being strong, and hope you and your DCs enjoy your hols.

CubaCat · 13/01/2011 20:43

Sorry for multiple posts Blush, phone is playing up.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 13/01/2011 20:53

cheers cuba
The texts r rolling in now. "sorry, i love u etc" so at least hes thinking bout what has happened and may learn from it. As for me, i just need to scroll up to see i am not as lonely as i thought xx

OP posts:
dittany · 13/01/2011 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emo76 · 13/01/2011 21:09

I revisted this thread and am delighted that you found the strength to give him the heave-ho. I hope you feel better knowing that you found the strength to end it - you've done yourself and your children a huge favour. CONGRATULATIONS!!

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 13/01/2011 21:09

"I'm so sorry u could never understand how much i loved u just cos it was a different way than usual"

"its not about space its about my life here i wanted to be weened away from it gradually over 3 or 4 years which u couldnt wait"

I must resist the urge to reply with some sort of outrage. Grrrr!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Flojo1979 · 13/01/2011 21:12

Thanx Emo coundnt have done it without u xx

OP posts:
dittany · 13/01/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValiumTinselton · 13/01/2011 23:15

different love ey.... Confused it sounds hateful

Flojo (did you know your screen name is spanish for weak btw/? is that intentional?

You have to realise that you're not obligated to give him second chances, or to forgive him. Just because he's being nice now doesn't mean that you OWE it to him forgive and forget. Pulling the plug on this doesn't make your harsh or cold or whatever else he spews out to try and win you back.

Spare yourself the merrygoround of forgiving and regreting forgiving etc..

ValiumTinselton · 13/01/2011 23:18

PS, I meant to say, now you are Fuerte1979 lol

good for you .

MadAboutQuavers · 14/01/2011 07:10

Weaned away over 3 or 4 years?

Who does he think he's kidding??

So in 3 or 4 years he may be ready to have a committed relationship... What a catch he is(n't)! Hmm

Well done for getting rid of bad rubbish
Flojo

noraa · 14/01/2011 07:41

such men make me hate all men and relationships. i know its wrong but there are so many of them around.

echt · 14/01/2011 08:06

Quelle tosseur.

"Weaning", forsooth. What is he, a baby?

You are well rid, Flo.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 14/01/2011 09:32

No valium, i had no idea its meant weak!! certainly wasnt an intention, how do u edit this thing.
Flo as in florence nightingale (i'm a nurse!)
and Jo is my actual name.
What does Fuerte mean? I've been to the ventura!

and please dont slap me, but i replied to his text, grrrr so mad at myself, i gave him the attention he was clearly after, but i couldnt resist saying some of the things u guys taught me. In the end, when he saw i wasnt going to budge he went back to his usual charming self and made some snide remark.
I'm upgrading my phone next friday, with orange never done it b4 so not exactly sure how, but i will ask them for a new number too if i hear from him again.

OP posts:
ValiumSilverTongue · 14/01/2011 11:05

ah, it means strong, ventura means wind. I've been to Fuerteventura as well. The name suits it.

Rome wasn't built in a day and it took me about 18 months to properly end the tortuous relationship with a selfish abusive man. Ripping off a plaster really quickly is the best policy. Excellent idea to get a new number. He'll NEVER think, oh yeah, I was so mean, I regret it, I will change, I will value her........ As Dittany said, maybe, maybe he will have learnt something from this and will treat the next girl better.

You're a nurse, I'd love to be a nurse. you have your own place, you have two kids. You shouldn't mess up what you HAVE got for some selfish tosser.

OTheHugeManatee · 14/01/2011 11:11

Stay strong. You've got two children, you don't need a supposedly grownup one tantruming all over the place as well.

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