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AIBU?

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Original poster

To end it

222 replies

Flojo1979 · 11/01/2011 21:36

My boyfriend came to stay this wkend as it usually the case. I wish he'd stay forever but he "likes his space". On friday he was ill, throwing up, he stayed in bed all day and i looked after my kids whilst checking on him and asking him if he wanted anything etc. By next day i was sick as a dog too. But had to get up and look after my kids and muddle thro. I tutted and sighed along the way, while bf sat on sofa all day not lifting a finger and complaining he still felt ill. In end i said u could at least try to help me, he replied they r your kids stop being a bitch and shut your mouth. I told him i would not be spoken to like that and told him to leave, he replied if he left he wouldnt come back, to which i burst in to tears and begged him to stop being a bully and stay. He left with some sneering parting shot.
I've been with him a year and keep thinking no one is perfect so maybe i should put up n shut up??

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 12/01/2011 08:13

You know, nothing we say will make any difference. You have probably made up your mind that it is better to be with an arse, than have no boyfriend at all. Because, after all, nobody but you know what a bad catch he is.

Women rarely leave such abusive fuckers, and if they do, they end up with another nasty fuckwit.

Like my sisters ex. She had to go to a refuge twice before she managed to get away from him.
She has not wanted a relationship since because she says she does not trust her judgement with men anymore. Her dd is 16 next month, and she says it is better to be alone, than with a nasty abuser. But my sister is also a very intelligent woman.

And her ex? He is getting married this summer. To a single mum with twins aged 3, who had just fled an abusive relationship when he met her... What did he do when her toddlers both had a d&v bug? He left their house to stay in a hotel, because it was "disgusting" and he did not want to catch it...

You have a choice. Use it wisely.

ccpccp · 12/01/2011 08:34

He was ill and you had a go at him. People can act out of character when they are ill.

Though TBH if he feels he can talk to you like that and call your bluff by walking out (assuming he wants to come back! sounds pretty final to me), then the balance of power in your relationship is all messed up in his favour. You want it more than he does.

Bin him. You will save yourself a lot of future grief.

QuietTiger · 12/01/2011 08:44

Had he told me that if he left he wouldn't be back, after being so verbally abusive, I would have held the front door OPEN for him to get lost!

He is toxic and vile and you deserve far better. Seriously, it is better to be on your own than be with "any man". There are good ones out there.

MmeLindt · 12/01/2011 08:49

Dump him.

Don't be scared of being alone, better that than with a man who is abusive and a total knobhead.

And when you are still with him, you are blocked from meeting other guys, guys who will treat you well and love you for the great person you are.

dinkystinky · 12/01/2011 08:50

Dump him - you (and your kids) deserve better in your lives!

Hope you feel better now.

TheGrumpalo · 12/01/2011 08:52

Get rid of him!
It doesn't seem like it but you will be better off on your own than being with a twat like that. I know it doesn't seem like it but you'll only resent him for not pulling his weight and eventually you'll find someone that will treat you right.

GroovyGretel · 12/01/2011 08:59

Flojo, you are are going to find someone who will treat you properly. It's not him.

He is a frog and you need to sling his slimy backside back into the pond.

The next day when you were feeling poorly? He should have been looking after you and the children (whether or not they are his). That is what a decent man does.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2011 08:59

You dont actually have to dump him at all.

He dumped himself when he said that he wouldnt come back and then left. So take him at his word. You dont need to do anything along the lines of calling or texting and having to interact with him, just assume that as he said he wasnt coming back your relationship is over. Its not unreasonable to ask someone who is staying in your home (and had previously used your bed as a sick bed!) to help out when you are ill. He didnt want his space when you were looking after him did he?!

Now start moving on, and the first part of that is barring his number and getting rid on FB etc.

Fear of being alone is no reason to fuck up your life and your childrens lives. If you dont care about yourself, do it for them.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2011 09:01

Oh and fwiw, a man who wont commit and says he "needs his freedom" is probably shagging around.

Sorry but chances are you arent the only poor woman his is taking advantage of.

Stac2011 · 12/01/2011 09:29

totally agree withbogeyface

flojo i kind of get the feeling you were hoping we would agree that he was tired and sick and thats why he spoke to you in that way but i doubt this is the first time he has been like this. As a mother you shouldn't put him before your kids. Does he do anything with your kids? Just hope you see the light x

saffy85 · 12/01/2011 12:02

He came round your house while ill, knowing he was ill (probably so you would take care of him), gave you his rotten bug and not only treated you and spoke to you like dirt for no good reason and you're asking if you should give him the boot?????????

Ofcourse you should. Mind you not sure if he's worth qa text/phone call. I think if you've been pandering to him all this time just stop. Delete his number so you can't call/text and never reply to him if he does call you or whatever. He said he wasn't coming back but if he does ditch him then.

ensure · 12/01/2011 12:09

Aw, give him another chance. He's probably got some good points too.

No, just kidding- he sounds utterly rubbish. Get rid.

Your children don't deserve that loser in their lives, nor do you. How dare he call you a bitch?! Normal DPs do not use that sort of language.

OTheHugeManatee · 12/01/2011 12:10

I hope he hasn't tried to come crawling back, flojo? He sounds like an irredeemable arse to me, you are well out of it.

BaronessBomburst · 12/01/2011 12:24

You would have had an easier weekend had he not been there, AND he speaks to you like that - what is the point of this relationship? I hope he is very, very good in bed. Grin

I doubt it though. Dump him.

IAmReallyFabNow · 12/01/2011 12:27

He isn't the only man in the world.

Get rid.

While you are with him you will not be free to meet the man who is right for you and your kids.

Why do you think you deserve to be spoken too like that? Sad

He made a threat to you and you should have slammed the door on his arse.

SookyStackhouse · 12/01/2011 12:36

Get rid now. He won't change so unless you are happy for this to happen again you need to stop it now.

droves · 12/01/2011 12:53

GET RID OF THIS TOXIC ARSEHOLE .

Men like that , suck all the joy out of your life.
They abuse you , verbally at first , then any other way later.
They ruin your confidence and leave your self worth in pieces.
They are a bad example to children.
They are the lowest form of pondscum.

Now repeat after me ...

" i am a good kind person , a good mother , and a valuable human being. I deserve kindness ,concideration and respect at the very least."

SAY THIS at least once a day and you`ll start to believe it

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 12/01/2011 12:57

"he replied they r your kids stop being a bitch and shut your mouth."

just read that line back to yourself a few times OP.

Even if you feel you can excuse away this shitty disrespectful behaviour, do you really want your kids growing up and seeing you choose to be treated this way by some low life arsehole???? Seriously you and your kids deserve much better.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2011 15:58

Why am I wondering if the lack of the OP means he has already crawled back and she has already given him another chance? :(

TeaisForMugs · 12/01/2011 16:01

He sounds like a silly selfish fucker.Dump him you deserve better and your kids don't deserve this manchild breathing the same air as them.

Imagine what you would tell your child if this happened to them and then take your own advice.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 12/01/2011 22:35

No I have not taken him back! Nor have i heard from him.
I cannot thank everyone enough. Your messages have given me the strength to get some perspective and focus on what is important. And i will reread my messages every time i feel that i might lose that focus. U have opened my eyes to what i've been needlessly putting up with for past 12 months and feel heartbroken that it seems i might not have put my kids first by not realising the atmosphere all this may have created.
I've just booked a wkend at Haven today, time to focus on the little ones.
Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Takeresponsibility · 12/01/2011 22:53

Good girl. Enjoy your space and learn how to be you again rather than something that deserves to be spoken to like that, because no-one desrves it.

I have been divorced twice and now have a lovely partner who is just perfect for me and to me, and I'm a damn sight older and wrinklier than you are so do not latch on to the first guy who is nice to you, get your self confidence back and choose one who desrves you cos the last one certainly didn't.

bupcakesandcunting · 12/01/2011 23:21

Dumpity dumpity mcdumpingtons.

ChippingIn · 12/01/2011 23:27

Good!

Anytime you are feeling weak and your messages don't convince you - come back on here and we'll put it into perspective for you!

isitmidnightalready · 12/01/2011 23:37

Flojo - agree completely that you should continue to keep him dumped.

Your kids deserve better. I don't suppose that you would want them to be treated like that when they are older, and if you accept it, then it 'normalises' the appalling behaviour and they will quite likely seek out what they know.

You are not alone. You have your kids. You are very lucky.