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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end it

222 replies

Flojo1979 · 11/01/2011 21:36

My boyfriend came to stay this wkend as it usually the case. I wish he'd stay forever but he "likes his space". On friday he was ill, throwing up, he stayed in bed all day and i looked after my kids whilst checking on him and asking him if he wanted anything etc. By next day i was sick as a dog too. But had to get up and look after my kids and muddle thro. I tutted and sighed along the way, while bf sat on sofa all day not lifting a finger and complaining he still felt ill. In end i said u could at least try to help me, he replied they r your kids stop being a bitch and shut your mouth. I told him i would not be spoken to like that and told him to leave, he replied if he left he wouldnt come back, to which i burst in to tears and begged him to stop being a bully and stay. He left with some sneering parting shot.
I've been with him a year and keep thinking no one is perfect so maybe i should put up n shut up??

OP posts:
researchinmotion · 12/01/2011 23:48

If he was really into you he'd want to spend e-v-e-r-y minute he had spare with you. Not want his own space.

Delete his number (don't write it down anywhere 'just in case' - been there done that!) and think how lucky you are that they are YOUR kids and not BOTH your kids. You're free of the waste of usless space.

I don't care how ill someone has been they have no right to verbally abuse you like that.

What a total knob.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2011 23:50

Sorry Flo, I was just concerned because it has happened so often on here that someone posts about an outrageous thing their OH has done and then a fortnight later is posting again about something else and so on.....

Glad that you are focussing on you and the children. Its hard to hear it but sometimes you need the voice of people not connected with the situation to see the truth. I am glad that you feel it helped.

Onward and upward! :)

Misfitless · 13/01/2011 00:21

Flo - you're doing the right thing. Never ever lose your resolve. A trip with your children sounds wonderful - they will be so much happier without this awful man in their lives.

Please consider this advice- don't rush into another relationship any time soon. Your confidence will grow and grow without him in your life. Your DCs need to see their mum be strong, independent and brimming with confidence and self respect. I hope you have a brilliant trip and enjoy the fact that your happiness is not dependant on any disrespectful bullying man. Breathe easily adn freely and enjoy being you.

MadamDeathstare · 13/01/2011 00:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoWayNoHow · 13/01/2011 00:33

What a twat. Get rid right now! Any man that spoke to me that way wouldn't last two seconds in my house.

You've got kids, do you really want them around such a disrespectful a-hole??

theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 02:56

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MommyMayhem · 13/01/2011 03:12

Good for you, Flojo. Enjoy your weekend away Smile

Misfitless · 13/01/2011 11:37

theevildead2 - it seems stupid to you because you are presumably lucky enough to have not been in that situation yourself. You probably don't have self confidence/self esteem issues. No doubt you had good positive male role models etc...it's likely that your parents (if together) had a mostly happy relationships or that you were not subjected to this sosrt of abuse in your childhood and teenage years.

I know I'm being presumptuous and this might not have been the case for OP either, and you might have had loads of experience of this as a child, thee, but people who find themselves in these situations have usually had a tough time. There are always exceptions obviously.

Anyway, how could calling OP stupid help at all?

prettyfly1 · 13/01/2011 11:39

Get rid - you and your kids are waayyyy better alone then with a twat like that. Seriously - being single is great. You can bathe, sleep, read, eat and do what you like. You discipline your kids your way, you get all the love and cuddles they give for yourself and you dont wash others skiddy pants for no thanks. You will be fine.

prettyfly1 · 13/01/2011 11:41

theevil you may wish to affiliate yourself with the mumsnet policy on troll hunting and perhaps keep your opinions to yourself.

Misfitless · 13/01/2011 11:45

prettyfly1 - agree on both counts. OP ignore the troll comments.

theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 13:11

you were not subjected to this sosrt of abuse in your childhood and teenage years

Really really wrong unfortunately-which is why I feel this is so wrong.

The whole OP smacks of attention seeking . Either OP knows its wrong or she doesn't. That's not the impression given from what she's written though. I feel she wants a million posters to come on and say you're better than that- it doesn't ring true. Attention seeking

If however I am wrong. I don't retract my feelings, I have NO pity for women who allow some arse hole in to their home knowing what is happening is wrong ("nobody is perfect"-wtf?) she needs a boyfriend so much that she's happy exposing her children to this abuse??

Christ no, not an ounce of pity for her- her children (if it is true) all the pity in the world. They aren't the one staying with an abusive man because they need a boyfriend

theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 13:16

No doubt you had good positive male role models etc

Oh wow missed this bit..

That's actually almost hilarious... Seriously amateur psychology is not your strong point!

TheRunawayWife · 13/01/2011 13:18

You can do better, you deserve better and more importantly your children deserve better.

Also I can take a guess at what he likes his own space for

ScarlettWalking · 13/01/2011 13:33

You don't love yourself

Hope you don't melt when he contacts you and tries to suck up

MrsNorthman · 13/01/2011 13:44

Dump him.

Don't be afraid of being on your own. All the time you are with him you won't meet anyone else and surely being on your own would be better than being with that waste of space!

Misfitless · 13/01/2011 13:50

theeviddead2 I don't disagree with you there - I'm no professional obviously! Insightfulnesss, ability to emphathise and willingness to post constructive advice isn't yours. Anyway, we all know what you're doing and I should know better than to get sucked in by you.

I send you lots of love and pity and big sloppy patronising kisses and hugs my friend (that should do it!) Smile Grin Smile Grin

Misfitless · 13/01/2011 13:55

Oh and evil dead...some more love coming your way right ....NOW!

theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 13:58

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theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 14:00

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mamadiva · 13/01/2011 14:23

Evil- whether or not this is trueI don't see how calling troll could help either way.

And I'm sorry t hear that you've had it rough but not everyone has it the same. I have a friend who has been with her partner for years now and he is controlling, lazy and can be physically as well as mentally abusive.

Her parents are loving and no matter how much anyone tells her to get away from him she won't because he has ground her confidence down so far that she thinks her world will fall apart and her children will be scarred for life if she leaves him because noone else will ever want them obviously...

I did go throgh a phase of thinking 'just tell him to feck off' but now I've seen what it's done I realise that it takes A LOT of guts to get out of these relationships it seems that you won't be able to live without that person 'helping' you through.

If you have ever seen this first hand then I cannot undertsnad how you have such little pity for the person involved as I would assume this is your RL opinon too and if it were a close friend you would tell them the same?

theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 14:31

Honestly hand on my heart, if this was a friend of mine.. I wouldn't bother because women who accept this sort of thing tend to make it a life long thing (with this guy or the next. I'd probably report it to SS. I think stupid was me being pretty calm really.

What I think is exposng your children to this is being complicit in their abuse. The OP doesn't even live with her partner, a situation that would make leaving him much more diffucult. This isn't a serious relationship clearly. But she is trying to make one. If this real don't treat her like a child, she is an adult making a choice.

Women need to stop treating other women like children and hold them up to the same standards they would hold themselves to.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 13/01/2011 17:40

thanks for all your support guys
i went to work and came home to the wrath of theevildead2, while i appreciate to start a thread in the first place there must be some sort of attention seeking, that wasnt in my thoughts. I'm a rock bottom. My friends are all too busy with their happy marriages and kids and had nowhere to turn. I need the strength to say no and keep it that.
I appreciate there has been alot said about my kids and whilst they were not around when he used such language, i will take full responsibility for introducing what now seems a negative role in to their lives. My children arent fictional, they r 5 n 2 and when making the original post i never realised this consistuted abuse and was more a situation of a woman (me- really me!) at the end of the rope, needing the kick up the backside to dry the tears and get over it. Which i was happily doing til i read Evil comments and now feel horrendous that i could have been so stupid and that my 5 yr old may have picked up on this inequality.

OP posts:
dittany · 13/01/2011 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachesandStrawberry · 13/01/2011 18:42

OP

I'm sorry that you had to go through this with this man and I'm glad that you have seen sense and dumped him.

Keep it up and ignore evildead2. I don't know what her problem is.

Evildead2 Are you happy now? You've upset the OP again with your snide remarks.