To not help a 'friend' out for her wedding.

[MerryGhostMas]

Okay, i am SURe I am NBU- it is a WWYD really. (I have namechanged.... )

Been with Dh 7 years, He is alot older than me, and met and married me within a year of divorcing his former wife. Alot of 'our' friends were their friends, and many of the women have been a bit funny about me - me being so much younger etc. (25 years, give or take.) I was not the 'other woman'.... the ex actually had an affair. Anyway, that is by the by....

One particular friend has always been funny. Refuses to acknowledge me. Sends Xmas cards to Dh only, that sort of thing. She is getting married this year- second marriage. She sent an invitation to DH only. That annoyed us, as you can imagine! But, a few days later she rang Dh and asked if i would be willing to be a waitress on the night, as they were a bit stretched finances wise, and if they got 'friends' to volunteer, then the costs of the buffet were reduced. Dh stammered and said that he would ask me.

Um, NO. NO NO NO. Obviously not. we have a baby, and it would cost me money to go and 'work' as a volunteer, and get a sitter if DH was going to the wedding. Dh says it might be a goodwill gesture (he is not saying it seriously actually... ) but really. WIBU to say fuck you and the horse you rode in on? Should I just decline? Should i throw an almighty strop?

I am fucked off, actually.

Actually, no, this is more a rant. I think I SHALL say fuck you.......

[StealthPolarBear]

oh and make sure you send them a lovely wedding present - either a photo frame made out of shells, or a plate in the shape of a fish

[blinder]

I love WordOfTheDay's post.

As someone mentioned upthread, your husband's ex-wife would have been there as a guest with you waitressing !

Your DH should really explain why you'll be going to Paris, and that you were both shocked that she regards you as some sort of child. Your DH could quite reasonably ask his 'friend' to apologise to you as this has gone on long enough. A nicely worded letter from her might be in order, and a slice of humble pie (horrible woman).

I agree that you dealt with it with dignity, but it's time for your dh to defend you.

[WordOfTheDay]

Thanks Blinder

[Pantofino]

I think the Paris thing was a work of sheer genius. I am sure she was hoping to score some points so ignoring the whole thing is def the way to go. Well done OP. She sounds vile - I would be avoiding in the future.

Though you could just leave her a message saying you are so sorry she can't afford the wedding she wants, and if she needs to "borrow" anything for the big day.

[DaftApeth]

Do you think she holds a torch for your dh and is pissed off that you 'got him' when he was single?

What a cow she is. Well done you for standing up to her.

[Casseopeia]

And so the friendship came to an end...

DH is banned from attending.

But you simply MUST buy her a present... let's see, perhaps a subscription to SAGA magazine.

[singingcat]

Please send her a Saga subscription...please...

[Petsville]

Stealing my wife's moniker (again!). Can I put in a brief word for DH in this position. We also are an age gap couple (26 year gap as it happens) so have experience, even if not of anything quite so outrageous.

The fact is that age gap marriages do trigger all sorts of rather insulting preconceptions and strange reactions. (In my case perhaps it was relatives rather than friends that caused the problem). I think one has to be a little thick skinned about it. Inevitably the older partner has longer standing friendships - some of which indeed may no longer be viable - just don't expect him to tear them all up at once, after all friendship is also an important aspect of life and friends are also worthy of loyalty and should be allowed time to adapt and adjust. (Of course there are degrees of friendship and this does also matter)

I think what should happen depends very much where this person stands in the range between blood sister and casual friendship. If the former tread very carefully, if the latter well frankly do what you like except that I would suggest it is not worth creating an enemy for a short term satisfaction, she will know other of DH's friends and may cause you needless trouble. Venting frustration here and then manufacturing a respectable excuse strikes me as exactly the right response. (And you get a very nice unexpected holiday in the bargain - always the best kind).

Sorry for a rather boring answer.

[MsKLo]

Let us know if the pruning happens...

It should! Your hubby should not be friends with people who disrespect you so much

[QuintessentialShadows]

OP, does your husband not realize what a big insult this is to him?

[oldraver]

OMG as far as I would be concerned if you are not good enough in her eyes to be invited then I certainly would not be waiting/serving on the cheeky mare

You DH needs a kick in the ass for even thinking of going without you

[McHobbes]

I rather like the answer of whoever it was that said 'do it and drop the ratatouille in her lap'

Hehehe I like that thinking!

[Lovecat]

Your DH really should have told her where to get off, and needs to let her know I'm no uncertain terms what a bitch she's been.

As a matter of interest I just read DH, another one given to mulling things over, the initial request and his immediate reaction was 'fuck off!', which for him is strong stuff!

[outnumbered2to1]

sorry i've had to read the OP 3 times to make sure i understood it properly.
She is a friend of your DH from his previous marriage,
she has never acknowledged your presence in his life either as his girlfriend or wife or mother of his child
and now she is re-marrying she has invited HIM to the wedding and only him.
Then has the bare-faced cheek to call up and say "oh by the way could you possibly "volunteer" to waitress at the wedding you haven't been invited to?


Seriously? The phrase more cheek than an elephant and more neck than a giraffe spring to mind. Tell her to f@ck right off and tell DH he's not going.

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

dear dear petsville that is rather boring...

glad you were dignified OP but agree DH needs to cut her out now. such insults cannot be forgiven. can you imagine what she could come up with next if he stays friends with her???

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

sorry petsville, meant to add, but very sane, but i feel this "friend" does not deserve any "loyalty" given this outrageous insult.

[SlightlyJaded]

But you will be sending a telegram from Paris to be read out at the wedding. Non?

Perhaps something along the lines of

Mrs Twat

Congratulations on your special day. STOP. DH and I are so pleased for you - just goes to show that you are never too old to find love. Inspiring! STOP.

Hope you managed to make the best of your budget situation. STOP. Sorry we couldn't staff your wedding and hope you didn't have to rope too many friends and family in to waiting tables! STOP

Enjoy your day and raise a glass of Prosecco on us. STOP. We will think of you all whilst drinking our champagne later. STOP

Best man will be d and bound to read it without thinking.

[SlightlyJaded]

Sorry should say best man will be 'pissed'

[MerryGhostMas]

An update, and again a thank you for people being so kind and supportive! I had a long talk with DH about this last night. He agreed that the 'friendship' had really run its course, and also he does know that the insult this time is too big to ignore. It is hard to withdraw completely, but we will be polite but remote with this woman. We will say that we are in Paris to anyone who asks, and DH (not me, so I cannot be accused of saying anything negative about her - it has always been a policy when I have been snubbed to not say a word, so that I cannot be accused in turn of being a bitch)will quietly drop it into the ears of some other more sympathetic mutual friends that this is why. That this is an insult too big to ignore.

Part of the antagonism is that the divorce ended up being really acrimonious, and then Dh took up with me so quickly, and of course many people are cynical about age gap relationships, as Petsville knows too!

DH does know what an utter insult this is to us both. Once he has mulled things over and is angry then that is completely the end of things.

We have also agreed that it is not really fair on me to have so much of our social circle bound up with his friends, when there are a few who just barely tolerate me for reasons beyond my control. So, we will consciously foster other friendships too.

This may have been a bit of a turning point actually. I have been biting my tongue for quite some time on things.

Thank you for letting me rant on this board ! And for giving me fresh perspective of how outrageous it was!Thanks Abs too for the Paris hotel link- it looks very very beautiful, and exactly the sort of thing we like. :)

[blinder]

I love it when a thread comes together .

[pippitysqueakity]

Have a lovely time away, whenever it is. Enjoy your family, do not give this person any more headspace. She obviously has very little in her life and thought this would be 'fun'. What you have done, and congrats to you, is take this negative experience, and turned it into a positive. You and DH will be stronger for it
Well done you!

[Bogeyface]

I find it rather wonderful that this vile womans attempt to humiliate you has actually made your marriage stronger! Thats the ultimate revenge :)

[NotActuallyAMum]

Glad you've managed to talk about things, and even more glad that DH has agreed to back off her. I still think though that instead of stammering and saying he'd ask you his answer should have been "NO MY WIFE WILL NOT WAITRESS FOR YOU AND HOW DARE YOU ASK" but it seems he's realised that. Do make sure he drops it out to others that this was an insult too far though won't you?

I think you should tell us when and where this wedding is so we can turn up dressed as waitresses and all drop ratatouille on her lap

[Grumpla]

FOOD FIGHT !!!!!

[GreenButton]

Bogeyface well said