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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help a 'friend' out for her wedding.

234 replies

MerryGhostMas · 05/01/2011 15:59

Okay, i am SURe I am NBU- it is a WWYD really. (I have namechanged.... )

Been with Dh 7 years, He is alot older than me, and met and married me within a year of divorcing his former wife. Alot of 'our' friends were their friends, and many of the women have been a bit funny about me - me being so much younger etc. (25 years, give or take.) I was not the 'other woman'.... the ex actually had an affair. Anyway, that is by the by....

One particular friend has always been funny. Refuses to acknowledge me. Sends Xmas cards to Dh only, that sort of thing. She is getting married this year- second marriage. She sent an invitation to DH only. That annoyed us, as you can imagine! But, a few days later she rang Dh and asked if i would be willing to be a waitress on the night, as they were a bit stretched finances wise, and if they got 'friends' to volunteer, then the costs of the buffet were reduced. Dh stammered and said that he would ask me.

Um, NO. NO NO NO. Obviously not. we have a baby, and it would cost me money to go and 'work' as a volunteer, and get a sitter if DH was going to the wedding. Dh says it might be a goodwill gesture (he is not saying it seriously actually... ) but really. WIBU to say fuck you and the horse you rode in on? Should I just decline? Should i throw an almighty strop?

I am fucked off, actually.

Actually, no, this is more a rant. I think I SHALL say fuck you.......

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 05/01/2011 17:30

Maybe mention that if she can't afford to invite both partners she realy shoudln't be having a sit down meal

Columbia999 · 05/01/2011 17:37

"Dear ex old bag
If you are too poor to hire proper waitresses, have a buffet instead"

What a brass-necked old cow! Shock

howtoapproach · 05/01/2011 17:37

What an evil old cow she sounds! I hope you don't send her an Xmas card next year. You handled it in a much more dignified way than I would have.

Original poster
MerryGhostMas · 05/01/2011 17:48

Thanks. :) I am one glass of wine down and feeling better. Dh has called from the train and i am off to meet him at the pub now.

Her new husband is lovely actually. Quite gentle and goodnatured. He has always been nice to me.

The friends do come as a kind of group.... there is a sporting hobby in common that 'everybody' does. (Not me, although I did take lessons.)

Thanks for saying I was dignified. I feel like an utter coward. But, at least yes i did not lose it. Maybe that was good.

Paris is definitely going to happen though. I plan to book tomorrow. :) I am going to start being stronger too. Stand up for nyself more.

OP posts:
franchisee · 05/01/2011 17:49

Good for you Merry. Have a nice evening.

Lonnie · 05/01/2011 17:52

seriously there are some people in this word that just amaze me with their downright rudeness this woman I dont even know goes on that list.

YANBU

WWID.. I would say " Oh dear Im so sorry but I cant possibly leave my lovely baby that I have had because I am so much younger than you (ok dont add the last bit but Wink

Unwind · 05/01/2011 17:52

She has blighted her own wedding with her spite - your DH will be missing from the group, and these things have a way of getting around.

you did really, really well, now book Paris, and get her out of your head

MardyBra · 05/01/2011 17:54

and don't forget to stick some lovely pics of Paris on Facebook for her to see....

Well done for taking the moral high ground OP.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/01/2011 18:02

Oh you have done so well, I would have lost the plot entirely.

Have a lovely time at the pub :)

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 05/01/2011 18:03

Wow what a fucking cow!!

Ooo any future conversations you have with her you should refer to 'the party'- it will drive her maaad I promise. Be sure to book the honeymoon suite in Paris too... I'm assumig they're so skintight they're not getting one Grin

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 05/01/2011 18:04

*skint sorry!

Milngavie · 05/01/2011 18:05

That woman has some cheek! I was gobsmacked when I read your op.

Do you think she was going to partner off your DH and his ex? Then have you serving to make your humiliation complete?

Good on you for a calm response and have a great time in Paris Smile.

MorticiaAddams · 05/01/2011 18:10

Perhaps you could have a collection to help her out with her buffet, I found some peanuts, a grape and a squished chocolate under the sofa. I can dig them out of the bin for you.

TubbyDuffs · 05/01/2011 18:10

Having read the entire thread, I think you dealt with things brilliantly.

I wouldn't worry about a wedding present or any further contact with them.

If she contacts you in future, you can just calmly tell her that you don't think you will ever be friends and just leave it at that.

You really do need to speak to your husband though, as he needs to put you first and not let "friends" treat you in this way.

For what its worth, the woman sounds like an absolute cow and if she is sniggeringly telling people of her ploy, she is going to come across as just that and may lose more friends because of it.

Hopefully karma will come and bite her on the arse at some point!

lazarusinNazareth · 05/01/2011 18:12

I think the woman is very, very jealous of you. Youth, beauty, financially solvent...maybe she had a thing for your dh at some point too?
Either way, forget her and have a wonderful time in Paris Wink

pigletmania · 05/01/2011 18:15

YANBU how cheeky and rude. Your dh should not go in support of you, I hope that he does not! I hope that you have said noway, who does she think you are.

foxytocin · 05/01/2011 18:16

you don't need a single rational to say no.

cheeky mare to ask, if you ask me. And she knows it, other wise she'd ask you directly, not ask your dh to ask you.

QuietTiger · 05/01/2011 18:17

I wouldn't tell her to just "Fuck Off" because I'd also be telling her "How" to fuck off, with explicit instructions on how to do so! What an utterly cheeky cow.

You are Totally, totally NBU!

fedupofnamechanging · 05/01/2011 18:18

Lulu was right, back at the start of this thread. Your DH needs to man up and defend you. To not even ask you directly herself, but to go through your DH is treating you like a teenager and treating your DH as if he was your dad!

Lack of respect on this scale is utterly breathtaking. Your husband should not let this go quietly. If he has anything about him he will contact her and let her know precisely why neither of you will be attending her wedding and that he does not want to have contact with her ever again. If this means he can no longer keep the same social group then so be it. You are his wife and the mother of his child. Time he treated you like it. Other people will follow his lead. His 'friends' only behave as they do, because your husband has allowed it!

pigletmania · 05/01/2011 18:25

I have gotten more assertive through life, and If anything had happened like that to me, I would like the satisfaction of saying no feck off to her face tbh.

clam · 05/01/2011 18:28

I am just Shock Shock Shock at this thread, but terrifically impressed at your restraint with your phone message. You have certainly managed to keep the moral high ground, anyway.

But I am also a bit shocked that your DH actually said that he would ask you when this bitch woman made the suggestion in the first place. Slow reactions or not, I would be furious that he has not cut her off completely. SHe has not only insulted you, but him too. Can he not see that? And yet is suggesting you "make an effort?" Sounds to me like you have been making a massive effort already, totally undeserved on her part.

I also think you shouldn't have given a reason for not attending, Paris trip, childcare issues or whatever. Just say "no, we will not be attending" and let her figure out why not.

MadameCastafiore · 05/01/2011 18:34

She is having one great big fucking laugh, how fucking audacious to actually not invite you to the wedding and then ask you to be staff on the day.

The only way I would do it is to insist that I wear what I want and turn up in some jazzy little french maids outfit with stockings and the lot (agent provocateur stylee) and spend the day dropping things and having to bend very slowly to pick them up - that would ruin her day the rude, rude cow!

But really your husband should really stand up for you and tell her that he does not appreciate the way she treats you and you are either to be invited to the wedding as a guest and she can dropthe teenage blanking you behaviour or he will nover acknowledge her again.

I want to go and smash her in the face on your behalf - where do you live, where does she live?

SHow this thread to your husband too - will show him how normal people behave.

(Am bit psyched up after shred so forgive the fact that I swore and that I said I will smash her face in but I will go and shout at her very loudly if you want me to -I am very good at that!)

plupervert · 05/01/2011 18:34

Yes, your mutual "friends" need to hear about what she did. No-one could support her after that, surely. I would lose respect and love for even the most charismatic and beautiful friend who did something so rude and ignorant. This woman doesn't sound as though she was remotely charismatic and beautiful to start with, more like bullying and lemon-faced.

KangarooCaught · 05/01/2011 18:37

Glad you took charge although WkdSM 16:23:12 was brilliant!

Hope the new assertive you means gathering your own friends as a couple and jettisoning the rude trout.

ledkr · 05/01/2011 18:56

would have kind have been funny to waitress ans spill the soup into her fucking lap-"oops sorry modom"

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