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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help a 'friend' out for her wedding.

234 replies

MerryGhostMas · 05/01/2011 15:59

Okay, i am SURe I am NBU- it is a WWYD really. (I have namechanged.... )

Been with Dh 7 years, He is alot older than me, and met and married me within a year of divorcing his former wife. Alot of 'our' friends were their friends, and many of the women have been a bit funny about me - me being so much younger etc. (25 years, give or take.) I was not the 'other woman'.... the ex actually had an affair. Anyway, that is by the by....

One particular friend has always been funny. Refuses to acknowledge me. Sends Xmas cards to Dh only, that sort of thing. She is getting married this year- second marriage. She sent an invitation to DH only. That annoyed us, as you can imagine! But, a few days later she rang Dh and asked if i would be willing to be a waitress on the night, as they were a bit stretched finances wise, and if they got 'friends' to volunteer, then the costs of the buffet were reduced. Dh stammered and said that he would ask me.

Um, NO. NO NO NO. Obviously not. we have a baby, and it would cost me money to go and 'work' as a volunteer, and get a sitter if DH was going to the wedding. Dh says it might be a goodwill gesture (he is not saying it seriously actually... ) but really. WIBU to say fuck you and the horse you rode in on? Should I just decline? Should i throw an almighty strop?

I am fucked off, actually.

Actually, no, this is more a rant. I think I SHALL say fuck you.......

OP posts:
pigletmania · 05/01/2011 19:02

I am shocked that if you did not stick up for yourself and point to him the disparity, your dh would quite happily accept all this nonsense, he has so far, by being friends with someone who treats his wife like rubbish,that he is invited to the wedding and your not, and then asks you to do the waitressing out of goodwill, shows a lack of respect

fairtradefloozy · 05/01/2011 19:03

how come your DH didn't just rant at her at the time and tell her to f* off? And he had better not go to the wedding, either and had better be sure to tell everyone that knows the woman how much of an eejit she is.

weblette · 05/01/2011 19:07

Tackling her from another angle, since you get on well with her partner I'd bet he would be mortified at her doing this. Why not make your apologies to him at some stage - I bet he has no idea of what a bitch she is towards you.

MadamDeathstare · 05/01/2011 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 05/01/2011 19:20

Well done op

FakePlasticTrees · 05/01/2011 19:31

BTW - If you get on well with others in that same friendship group, I'd make sure at least one of the other couples are aware you weren't invited and that she asked you to be free staff for the night.

Otherwise, amongst the group, she will be able to say "MerryGhostMas & DH are in Paris this weekend so can't make it." and she doesn't look like a cow if your absence is noted by the others.

CameronCook · 05/01/2011 19:36

Well done OP on behaving in a dignified manner to this old witch.

And agree DH needs to have a think about the way this cow friend has treated you

Slambang · 05/01/2011 20:03

Am a bit gobsmacked by your dh's lack of reaction to this. I hope he is going to make it clear to 'friend' that he is hurt by her actions.

'Friend's' behaviour is a snub to your dh as well as you and he should be strongly and clearly be demonstrating his support for you with some straight talking to said 'friend'.

Snakeears · 05/01/2011 20:13

Is she asking you and teenagers thereby suggesting you are like a teenager - has she asked other of her own / your DH's age - double insult. I would say no but explain clearly why - calmly and make her squirm if can be calm.

maighdlin · 05/01/2011 20:22

not read whole thread maybe repeating but heres my advice

phone up woman

hello?

fuck the fuck off you horrible snotty nosed dickhead.

im angry on your behalf, who the fuck does that??

claireybear82 · 05/01/2011 20:24

disgusting!!
id say yesssss of course i will. then RUIN her poxy wedding. what a bitch.

PlanetEarth · 05/01/2011 20:27

Never heard of only one half of a couple being invited to a wedding - you go as a pair or not at all (obviously OK if one of you can't go for some reason).

bluecheesefiend · 05/01/2011 20:30

i actually gasped out loud when i read your post - total deal breaker - DH should be telling her to fuck right off

dizzeelizzee · 05/01/2011 20:32

What a fucking vile bitch!!! Shock

NotActuallyAMum · 05/01/2011 20:38

bluecheesefiend me too! I honestly can't remember the last time anything made me feel so angry! I can't believe the poor OPs husband either - how dare he let this bitch woman treat his wife like this??

WordOfTheDay · 05/01/2011 20:59

Merry, My DP is 25 years my senior (14 years together today). Congratulations on not lashing out at her. She would definitely have taken great pleasure in telling the others how unpleasant (or whatever) you had (supposedly) been.

I agree that she has insulted your DH by not inviting his wife to the wedding and by suggesting to him that his wife waitress for free for her and her guests, together with some teenage children of friends. She is telling him that his wife does not qualify as a peer or as one of the group of friends, but, at best, as a last-minute free waitress to the grown-ups like the nameless teenagers. I think that your DH should tell her that he does not appreciate her affronts and that that is why he and you have chosen to spend the weekend together and not to be present at her wedding.

I agree with the poster who said that at least one other friend in the group should quietly be told by DH that she snubbed DH and you by not inviting you and by then asking him to ask you to waitress. It is important that the group get to know that DH and you are not at the wedding because of these insults.

Seeing as the groom is such a lovely chap, your DH will probably want to quietly tell him how sorry he is that he and you will not be able to celebrate his big day with him owing to the repeated affronts by his WTB to DH and you.

ajandjjmum · 05/01/2011 20:59

Paris photos on Facebook (or is she too old to have it?) with comment 'DH and I found a weekend with nothing much happening, so decided to take ourselves off for a romantic break in Paris'.

Grumpla · 05/01/2011 21:06

Ok, although I AM impressed with your grown up, restrained, dignified way of handling the situation, and though I KNOW that the posters advising you to rise above it and ignore are DEFINITELY right....

I still think you should do what Absofcroissant suggested and go the whole nine yards.

And you should tell us all where the wedding is so we can all stand at the back and snort wine through our noses as you do so.

FabbyChic · 05/01/2011 21:09

You say no thank you you would rather enjoy the wedding as a guest.

Vev · 05/01/2011 21:12

How cheeky of the woman. Shock

Tell her to build a bridge and eff off over it.

howtoapproach · 05/01/2011 21:25

OP - I think you did right - it's very easy to blow up and regret the consequences - especially if she's part of a friendship group and if it were me, I'd like it to end, rather than her being able to gossip that you lost your rag.

I've always found that people like this do in some way get their come uppance. Not due to guardian angels or anything, just because they're bonkers and eventually other people won't put up with her nonsense either.

Whether or not you do book Paris, your dh knows now he needs to support you against this monstrous woman and he no doubt respects you for handling the situation so well. I think you've made her look like an idiot - when she was clearly trying to do the same to you.

msrisotto · 05/01/2011 21:29

Oh please send her a fiver to help her with her financial difficulties! Cow. Your husband should be as offended/upset by this as you are and another friend in the group should be told so they can have a right bitch about her.

StealthPolarBear · 05/01/2011 21:30

I think this is possibly the most unreasonable situation MN has ever had in AIBU!
Well done for keeping your cool OP but I came on to say something exaclty like this post below:

"Actually, I think you should send a written reply along the lines of "Thanks, we'ld love to come." and turn up as guests, with baby. All three of you togged up nicely so itsobvious you're all attending as guests. And if there's any attempt at making you waitress simply respond "Why would I/Mrs GhostMas do that? I'm/She's a guest." And if there's any query as to why you are there, "I''m/She's his/my wife. As we are married we assume that the invitation includes both of us.""

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 05/01/2011 21:30

Tell her to tgake her dress off for an hour and help out if she dangerous or get her bridesmaids to do it. cheeky cow.

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 05/01/2011 21:31

dangerous?????? desperate. bloody tv putting me off

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