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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help a 'friend' out for her wedding.

234 replies

MerryGhostMas · 05/01/2011 15:59

Okay, i am SURe I am NBU- it is a WWYD really. (I have namechanged.... )

Been with Dh 7 years, He is alot older than me, and met and married me within a year of divorcing his former wife. Alot of 'our' friends were their friends, and many of the women have been a bit funny about me - me being so much younger etc. (25 years, give or take.) I was not the 'other woman'.... the ex actually had an affair. Anyway, that is by the by....

One particular friend has always been funny. Refuses to acknowledge me. Sends Xmas cards to Dh only, that sort of thing. She is getting married this year- second marriage. She sent an invitation to DH only. That annoyed us, as you can imagine! But, a few days later she rang Dh and asked if i would be willing to be a waitress on the night, as they were a bit stretched finances wise, and if they got 'friends' to volunteer, then the costs of the buffet were reduced. Dh stammered and said that he would ask me.

Um, NO. NO NO NO. Obviously not. we have a baby, and it would cost me money to go and 'work' as a volunteer, and get a sitter if DH was going to the wedding. Dh says it might be a goodwill gesture (he is not saying it seriously actually... ) but really. WIBU to say fuck you and the horse you rode in on? Should I just decline? Should i throw an almighty strop?

I am fucked off, actually.

Actually, no, this is more a rant. I think I SHALL say fuck you.......

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/01/2011 16:36

In all seriousness, I do think that you should ignore it and not contact her. She didnt even ask you, she asked your DH!

I would ask your DH to speak to her and explain that a) she is being amazingly rude and unreasonable and b) he wont be attending the wedding of someone so blatantly nasty and c) have a nice life.

Assuming he agrees that is, and if he doesnt well that will be a whole new thread!

Katisha · 05/01/2011 16:36

I endorse ignoring.

And I think DH should ignore his invitation also. How can he possibly think this is acceptable?

bratnav · 05/01/2011 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

emmanana · 05/01/2011 16:37

Just a thought.
Get the message to her that yes, you can waitress on the day, and you have half a dozen young people (from local youth club/dc's teen friends on hand who can help)
On the way there, just happen to break down. Arrive just as it is finishing. If they're that short staffed, you may even get a picture of her dishing out pasta salad in her wedding dress...

humanoctopus · 05/01/2011 16:39

OOOOh. I would definately say 'yes please' and offer to wear a lovely waitressy outfit.

Absolutely, why not?

Then I'd make sure that I was waiting on the bridal table.... Red wine, anyone? Whoops.

fightingtheurgetomn · 05/01/2011 16:40

I would ask her to confirm that she is supplying a waitress outfit for your use. I would then waitress in the style of Julie Walters in the infamous soup sketch.
What a f'ing liberty!

JoBettany · 05/01/2011 16:41

Wow! She is some piece of work! She cannot possibly be serious that she wants you to waitress? I would be fuming.

I agree that ignoring the request and your DH sending a polite refusal to the wedding invitation would be the best thing to do.

However I am also loving the suggestions.

Original poster
MerryGhostMas · 05/01/2011 16:41

Okay I have done it. I have called. Got her answering machine. I totally took the coward's way out though. I said thank you, but we would both have to decline going to her wedding as we would be in Paris that weekend. Blush

i KNOW I need to be tougher.

Then i called Dh and told him. He just said 'Good show'.

I feel a bit shaky. (I might need an assertiveness course, or a 'how not to be a doormat' course')

I am going to book that trip to Paris though. :)

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 05/01/2011 16:42

Blimey, how can you be so calm?? I'm raging for you!!

Why is your DH still friends with this woman??

I sat like Shock reading your OP. What a damn cheek!

You and your DH do realise she's hoping you'll do this so that she can humiliate you don't you?

I can't wait to hear what he says when you speak to him about it later

thereisthesnowball · 05/01/2011 16:43

This is astonishing.

I think you have to tell her to fuck off but in the most reserved, elegant way possible.

Dear X

I am sorry that your wedding is proving too expensive to host as you'd like, however I am insulted to be asked to attend in the role of unpaid help, as is DH on my behalf. We can only imagine that your intention was to humiliate me in front of our mutual friends. It will therefore not surprise you that both I and DH decline your invitation.

yours

MerryGhostMas

AbsofCroissant · 05/01/2011 16:43

Do it!

this is a nice hotel if you need inspiration

Ephiny · 05/01/2011 16:43

YANBU, that's absolutely outrageous Shock

thereisthesnowball · 05/01/2011 16:44

Oh, just saw your post.

Send the note anyway, from Paris.

GreenButton · 05/01/2011 16:44

Oh give her a bag of horse shit as a "gift"

TheCrackFox · 05/01/2011 16:44

Well done. The Paris claim was quite classy actually.

Now delete her number and cross off her address. What a vile bitch. I feel sorry for her future husband if this is how she gets her kicks.

FrogLover · 05/01/2011 16:45

just going along with the general theme here but I don't like to miss the chance to use one of my favourite insults...

My reply would be to tell her to -
Fuck off
then come back
then pick up a tray of sausage rolls so that she can hand them out to her guests as she fucks the fuck off again.

JoBettany · 05/01/2011 16:45

That hotel looks amazing - you should definitely go!

JosieRosie · 05/01/2011 16:46

Good for you MerrryGhostMas. This did not merit one more second of your precious time or headspace. It's done, sorted! And you haven't given her anything to bitch or gossip about behind your back.

I do think your DH needs to have serious words with her though, since the invitation was made to him. She needs to be put in her place. At least take comfort in the knowledge that she is one sad little person if she went so far out of her way to be rude to you. You must really bother her enormously Grin. I think it's probably a massive, chronic case of Envy Envy Envy

BTW, I just LOVE the idea of turning up in your waitressy outfit and being a bit clumsy with the red wine/ratatouille/chocolate pud. Would never ever have the nerve to do it but loving the thought!

singingcat · 05/01/2011 16:47

Can you at least send her a bumper pack of Tena Lady and a 'Cash for Gold' leaflet as a present
You are a nicer person than me - I live in hope of these things happening so I can be absolutely brutal to people with justification. But then I am a) quite childish and b) not very nice

expatinscotland · 05/01/2011 16:49

Don't give her any gift. Just cut her out of your life and pretend she doesn't exist.

I think your DH is weak, too. I'd have got shot of anyone who wouldn't even acknowledge my spouse, tbh.

MaryMungo · 05/01/2011 16:49

Have you bought a gift yet? I'd be very tempted to send a letter like

Dear XXXX

So sorry to hear about your financial straits. It must be so stressful at your time of life. I'm afraid that DH and I can't actually attend the wedding, but I hope this helps.

With warm feeling,
XXXX

And then I'd enclose a five pound note Grin

narkypuffin · 05/01/2011 16:50

PMSL Singingcat

Original poster
MerryGhostMas · 05/01/2011 16:50

Oh, thank you. Yes, done and sorted. Dh should be home soon (got him while on his way)... might suggest the pub or something tonight, so we can discuss a pruning of some of his friends. I am actually shaking as I type. With embarrassment, anger, humiliation. I was pretty cool on the phone though.

Thank you for being so outraged on my behalf. Blush to have so many fast responses!

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 05/01/2011 16:50

Now, you just need to choose a wedding present.

Some of these perhaps?

OTheHugeManatee · 05/01/2011 16:52

Oooh, even better