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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 13:16

That reminds me of my best friend, who when she was a SAHM and fancied playing hookie, would go into town all day and have a lengthy lunch, all whislt having her car completely valeted. She would then go home, open all the car doors and throw a chamois leather and turtle wax on the drive, and when her DH came in would announce 'have you SEEN how hard i have worked on the car' and getr him to make the dinner and bath the kids. Grin

faverolles · 04/01/2011 13:18

Curlymama - he does not have the right to tell the op to go back to work. He does, however, have the right to talk to her about the arrangement that they presumably agreed on.

What jobs do any of you suggest that the op does, that will be understanding about illness, difficulties working in holidays, etc, because the donkeys share of the worry of these do fall to the mother.

PigValentine · 04/01/2011 13:22

She could do any job that anyone else does. It's as difficult as you make it.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 13:24

No one has said she must take paid employment, just that she and her DH need to at keast discuss it.

It may well be, that when the OP's DH realises how problematic it will be, or how much it will cost in childcare, or how much more he will have to help out, he reassesses his views.

But unless the OP discusses all this, how will these decisions be made?

byrel · 04/01/2011 13:25

I don't think he's being unreasonable to ask you to go back to work. It would increase the household income and it would also help your career prospects.

byrel · 04/01/2011 13:25

Also it would could help you build up a pension

expatinscotland · 04/01/2011 13:28

Unreasonable of him to say it in front of the ILs.

Reasonable to suggest working to you if he is then going to take on his fair share of the housework and childcare if you're both working FT.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 13:28

That is certainly something to take into account and discuss.

When DH and I were discussing whether I should give up work, my pension was something we gave consideration to.

faverolles · 04/01/2011 13:29

I'm going to have to hide this thread now, because once again, sahm's are perceived as being lazy fuckers who have nothing to contribute. Never mind the fact that more often than not, they have made sacrifices for the good of their families.

Lulabel27 · 04/01/2011 13:30

Agree with Litchick - its just the lack of contemplation given to the idea that makes me think she is being unreasonable.

What did you do before you had children? Presumably didn't hang around unqualified/out of work waiting for someone to look after you financially?

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 13:30

Don't think anyone should be implying OP is lazy not to go back to work.

Perhaps she doesn't financially need to go back. I haven't worked since having DCs who are now both at school. I retrained and then couldn't find clients for my business so had to close it.

And yes, it could quite easily take me 6 hours a day to sort and clean my house (DH away all week) but I've just started working from home doing as much or little as I want -money is crap but hey, it's something. I don't need to work financially but DH goes on at me when he gets back at the weekend, saying why should he help out with anything when I'm at home all week! Cheeky bloke.

Other than the odd work from job, the only other job I could find with okay-ish hours were TA jobs - most of which needed childcare! By the time I had paid for that, there wouldn't have been much left!

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 13:31

Here, here to what faverolles says.

pink4ever · 04/01/2011 13:32

I would love to know where all the jobs are that us lazy sahm are avoidingHmm? Have got friends who hav been trying to find work for past year(schools/offices are not taking on staff.councils are cutting their budgets or havent any of you lot heard?).
Even jobs in supermarkets are like golddust(self-serve anyone?) and as for finding one the will accomodate school hours-ha ha ha!.
This is a sore subject for me as my dh has done similiar(made snidey comments about me being sahm in front on inlaws). However when I point out to him that it is not financially viable for me to go back to work as any earnings would be eaten up by childcare costs I just get conveniently ignored{hmm].
OP-you need to have frank conversation with your dh about your position.If he really wants you t return to work then he must expect to do his share around the home and with dcs. And if he mentions this again in front of inlaws then CUT OFF HIS BOLLOCKS(that is my plan anywaySmile.

faverolles · 04/01/2011 13:33

Thankyou vintage.
(is what I would have said if I hadn't hidden this thread Blush)

moondog · 04/01/2011 13:36

I'd be inclined to agree with your dh Vintage.If he works and you have nothing else to do, why shouldn't you take complete charge of the home?
Sounds more than fair to me.

DaisySteiner · 04/01/2011 13:36

You 'don't want the stress of it'. Don't suppose your dh wants the stress of being the sole breadwinner, but needs must, eh?

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 13:37

I still don't see how it takes 6 hours a day to clean and sort a house...not if you do regular, daily housework?

I have an average/to large-ish 3 bed semi and if I put in 6 hours per day cleaning, even just from Mon-fri I would literally be cleaning already clean things...hence the reason I do some voluntary work and training.

Also, what with washing machines, dishwashers, hoovers, microwaves, tumble dryers, blenders...and other countless time saving devices, the modern housewife will have far more time to spare than our grandparents would have.

moondog · 04/01/2011 13:38

It doesn't.
I work f/t and have two kids.
My dh works abroad.
My house is a as neat and tidy as a whistle.
An hour a day, max.

mayorquimby · 04/01/2011 13:38

Surely the issue here pink4ever isn't that the op is searching for work and her dh is slating her for an inability to find a job in a tough job market. She's not even looking for work because she feels she has a right not to work because she wants to enjoy her kids and her dh feels she should be contributing.

GwennieF · 04/01/2011 13:39

I think it was massively insensitive to bring it up infront of his parents, but Christmas is a stressful time for alot of families, especially on the financial side of things. He may be feeling the strain of having sole financial responsability.

I don't know what work you're qualified to do, but unless you get something within the hours of 0930 - 1430, it may actually cost you to return to work. I only have 2 DC and I work 3 days a week, but if we were not lucky enough to have my MIL helping us with childcare, nearly my entire wage would be taken up with the cost of childcare; not to mention the cost of work clothes, transport to and from work, etc.... So I dread to think what wrap-around care for 4 would cost!

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 13:40

Then again our grandparents wouldn't have had the internet or TV as a distraction lol.

Also, they had to queue up in seperate shops to buy seperate things...like the butchers, greengrocers, chemist, hardware store etc...nowdays it's all under on roof in the supermarket and they also deliver.

Nope sorry, I really don't get the six hour thing at all.

happystressedmum · 04/01/2011 13:40

I agree that it should not have been discussed in front of in-laws but he does have a point.

I have two children under 9 and would love to be at home with them but financially that is not an option.

Why does everyone assume you can only work school hours and where are all the jobs that fit in around school?

What's wrong with breakfast clubs and after school clubs which is what I have to do in order to contribute financially to the household income. I am sorry but try running a house and working 9 - 5 and see how hard it is. What do you do all day in any event? I am sorry but many of the mums I know who dont work DO meet for coffee and lunch and have no idea how hard it is to try and juggle work and kids and homelife etc and then the guilt on top of that.

Also there are now plenty of holidays clubs available for when the children are on school holidays. You will be running out of excuses!!!

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/01/2011 13:40

mayorquimby - that statement was in the context of all my other posts

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 13:42

You're right - I guess after a week or two, I wouldn't need to so 6 hrs every day.

My DH doesn't help at the weekend either though. Nada. Yes, he sits 'with' the kids whilst they watch tv, but rarely does he say "I'll hoover for you vintage".

He tells me he doesn't understand why I do washing at the weekend.
I say - what happens to his uniform and the kids school stuff if I don't.

He doesn't cook a single meal (unless it's fahitas - which it rarely is).
So yes, I agree that in the week it is kind of my 'job'....now along with other proper content writing job but at the w/e, it should be 50/50.

byrel · 04/01/2011 13:44

I don't understand this if you spend 6 hours a day on house duties. Then you are spending 30 hours household work a week not including childcare if children are of school age. What work do people do in order for it to take 30 hours a week