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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
Laquitar · 05/01/2011 14:28

Maybe it is not just about SAHMs but a british thing about money and about pleasure and enjoying life - the fact that they don't need the second income. The same would be if they bought an expensive boat or something?

vintageteacups · 05/01/2011 14:32

Wasn't being pedantic BA - just curious that's all.

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 14:33

envy?? Laquitar

And it goes both ways too - when I was a SAHM to two toddlers I would definitely envy WOHMs going off to work, away from the tantrums and able to have uninterrupted adult conversations (and poos), amd wear nice clothes. But that was my choice.

Laquitar · 05/01/2011 14:43

I didn't say 'envy', i meant people being uncomfortable about money. About not having to work or guilt about spending. Maybe some posters would feel guilt in OP's shoes, if they didn't have to work or they had more money, and they project. I'm not sure just a thought. But i have noticed that British people sometimes are embarrased with money - apologies if this is wrong.

JamieLeeCurtis · 05/01/2011 14:49

Laquitar - yes, sorry, I was putting words in your mouth.

Laquitar · 05/01/2011 14:53

No don't worry Jamie,i don't express myself very well most of times.

tebbles · 05/01/2011 16:44

kanchan

Dont even contemplete the minimum wage jobs that fit into school hours if you don't need the money. You would be earning £30 a day and still have all the housework and shopping to do afterwards, as he would still expect you to do this as you work 'part time'.

Tell him that you would consider going back to full time professional work if he takes on ALL the arranging of childcare/nanny and takes time off work to care for the children when they are ill. He also needs to take on full responsiblity for arranging and organsing cleaners etc.

As you are re-establihing your career you need to give it 100%. He was able to give his career 100% while you were caring for the children and now that his career is 'established' he needs to do the same for you!

Teachermumof3 · 05/01/2011 17:56

I missed the OP's previous professional work-where was that mentioned? What was her career?

tebbles · 05/01/2011 18:40

Sorry, I assumed she had professional job as she had spent:

'6 years at uni including 2 of postgraduate work'

Didn't think you could do that much study without being a professional at the end of it.

CurrySpice · 05/01/2011 18:40

ChristmasWishes - perhaps if you patted me on the head you could patronise me a little bit more Hmm

Read what I have written and tell me where I have been rude to the OP, a bitch to the OP, or criticised the OP (apart from telling her it was ridiculous to say she works 24 hours a day :o)

Maybe you need to lighten up a bit Wink

christmaswishes · 05/01/2011 18:49

I didn't say all curry just some :) . Maybe too sensitive? You better have a long hot bath! X

SauvignonBlanche · 05/01/2011 18:52

I think your DH has made a good point - spectacularly badly!

I reckon Xenia must be away. Wink

CurrySpice · 05/01/2011 19:02

I am sensitive to being spoken down too yes so guilty as charged

CurrySpice · 05/01/2011 19:02

to! Doh!

Xenia · 05/01/2011 19:09

Sorry I was earning a crust.
Good advice from tebbles here but if the poster has 6 years of university and post grad presumably she can get proper full time professional work or at least try to and her husband would support her in it. This is an issue betwseen the couple. If they had any sense it would all have been agreed befoer they even conceievd. People are silly if they form families without having all this out and agreed before they're engaged.

Many many women and men work full time and men of course as equally as responsible for arranging school picks up etc - if she goes back it shoudl be on a non sexist basis - get the husband to start ringing round nanny agencies.

cupcakebakerer · 05/01/2011 19:22

Oh come on! Let's get this straight - 'running a house' is not hard work. At least be honest with yourself. Fitting it around a full time job's not even that hard. Luckily I have the option to be a SAHM if I want and if I choose to do that I'll be watching plenty of TV and drinking lots of coffee! Nothing wrong with that: just don't pretend it's as hard as a full time job when the kids are at school: it's not. So flame me!!!

giveitago · 05/01/2011 19:23

OP very much depends on your circumstances - if very loaded then the pressure is off. If you're in a situation that you muddle on through then you earning some money will help family coffers for things like holidays (must be expensive with lots of kdis) - clubs etc.

Depends on you.

My personal issue with working is that I do want to work but with dh's job and lack of other opportunities the minute I work even part time our ds never sees us together for more than about 2 days per year and that's not a family is it? I'm working now and the stress is already showing. My own view is that I preferred us being a bit financially poor but together rather than now which is financially OK (phew) but at the expense of family time. But needs must etc..

If your family needs the extra money you should investigate what jobs are out there. Mind you, after school pick ups for so many children means it would be hard to get a childminder. Perhaps after schools (if your school has this) is the better option.

susiedaisy · 05/01/2011 20:06

being a SAHM can be hard work if you involve yourself in helping out at the school, ferrying kids to various after-school activities, sorting out the house, garden, food shopping, all the cooking, xmas, holidays , all of the household bills etc, sorting out kids dentist, hair, doctors app, etc etc, even helping out with extended family such as great grandparents comes into it as well, but if you have one kid who's at school full time including lots of breakfast and after school clubs and do none of the above or just the bare minimum then yeah being a SAHM would be a doddle, personally i have always worked part time in an effort to strike a balance,

CurrySpice · 05/01/2011 20:10

But Parents who WOTH do all those things too susie. Unless I'm doing it all wrong Wink

gordyslovesheep · 05/01/2011 20:13

Susiedaisy - as a WORKING single parent I do ALL of those things AS WELL as holding down a job - do i win?

Xenia · 05/01/2011 20:14

And many of thoes parents shall those things 50/50 because they aren't in sexist marriages so the husband is doing half of them. perhaps they could do a swap for a few years to make it fair - the husband gives up work for 5 years and the wife goes out full time.

BluddyMoFo · 05/01/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cupcakebakerer · 05/01/2011 20:19

I agree Susiedaisy but mostly you make it as 'hard' as you want it to be. Be honest. You could graft all day toiling over skirting boards and cleaning the insides of the windows but you don't HAVE to. You can still have a little sit down and watch This Morning with a cuppa if the kids are at school full time - you can't do that if you have a job. Just my opinion - I'm sure someone will prove me wrong. And I'm not on about those with carer commitments etc - simply SAHMs with kids at school full time. No gripe with it though - it's what I plan on doing for a few years! It just annoys me when women moan to their husbands they are working equally as hard: it's just not honest. Oooh I feel controversial.

susiedaisy · 05/01/2011 20:21

i too am a working single parent, and have to juggle all the balls in the air on my own, much like hundreds of thousand so women all over the country, but you can have first prize if you like, just pointing out how different being a SAHM can be depending on what your life is like, thought it might ruffle a few feathers, anyway got to dash, have the supper things to wash, the packed lunches to make, the kids to bath some laundry to sort and if i can some studying to fit in Grin

Xenia · 05/01/2011 20:22

You could say you had 5 years of doing 100% witrh the 3 under 5s and now you're entitle dto a break because in that 5 years you did every single night feed and had 24.7 child care and he never lifted a finger and only worked 8 hours a day. That could be the housewife's trade off.