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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:

sobloodystupid · 04/01/2011 12:18

I have 3dc, 4.5, 22months and 6 months. I work full time. As you've acknowledged, you were very fortunate to have been able to be at home so far. I think that you need to talk to dh, it can be worrying with just one wage coming in and perhaps he misses the old (wage-earning)you? Was he hinting heavily prior to this? Going back to work can be scary (even if it is just after maternity leave). Talk, talk, and agree who does what. Good luck whatever you decide

altinkum · 04/01/2011 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caoimhe · 04/01/2011 12:19

Agree with GOML - you should be thinking about how to discuss this with him - not how to forgive him!

Litchick · 04/01/2011 12:19

I for one, would never insist that women should work.

I tried after my children were born to continue with my career and found it impossible.

However, I can fully understand why somone would not wish to be a sole breadwinner.

Surely, anyone with a modicum of empathy could understand that?

Tortington · 04/01/2011 12:19

stack shelves at tesco in an evening when your dh is hme from work.

i think it depends how you want your life run.

now, i have always worked full time, and with three kids, i couldn't manage running a house and making sure each of them got to do out of school activities. i figure, once i got hme from work at around 6pm, cooked tea, did homework with them - it was around 7pm

if i was to take one to brownies, one to cubs and one to - sommat else during the week, i would literally not sit down till 10pm.

i wasn't prepared to do that becuase
a) i am not a martyr to my children
b) i work all day and i want to sit down.

dessen · 04/01/2011 12:25

He greatly underestimates looking after children before & after school, what to do with sick kids & school holidays & household tasks.
How about he sorts out the logistics of you working.
Seems a fair deal - he wants you to take a paid job so he sorts out how it will work out.

gordyslovesheep · 04/01/2011 12:27

childminders, breakfast clubs, nursery and holiday club - that's how I manage with my 3

Tortington · 04/01/2011 12:27

you see op, the things you do with and for your 4 children - and your dh - who i am assuming ( just becuase i can) pretty much just had to go to work.

do you wash and iron his clothes?

now if anything my dear, you should go to work, just so that he appreciates what you do.

the conversation you need to have with him is this

' i will be working 3 evenings a week, that means that when you get home from work you need to cook for a family of 6, please can you make sure that when they come home from school if their uniforms are dirty, to put them in the washing machine, and also you are going to have to make sure to help all four of them with homework and make sure that they do it. this means that you actually have to go through the school bag for the slips of paper frm teachers that they forget to give you.

after tea, leave the plates and pans and i will do theM the next day.

remember if you need some clean clothes, to stick them in and give yourself enough time to get them dry and iron them.

remember that johnny has cubs on tuesday, marie had brownies on wednesday, and that at least once a week there will be a friend from school for tea - which means that you will have to drop off one of the kids at their friends for tea at least once a week. jazmine has basketball on thursday and talula has ballet on friday.

i bet my arse the fucker turns green

giveitago · 04/01/2011 12:28

Erm - something you should be talking about together not him telling you when your motherly duties are not so much required to be replaced with work.

I've only got one kid and I went back to work as soon as he started school (and had worked when he was a toddler). I find childcare a bloody nightmare as dh doesnt not pull his weight and finding after school pick ups a challenge. How you'd manage with four and make it financially viable I have no idea.

It seems like the both of you have assumptions and it's high time you had a talk about where you see yourselves, the financial responsbilities and the parental ones too.

YourCallIsImportant · 04/01/2011 12:30

Sympathy. My DH is out with his mum right now probably having that same conv with her about me going btw.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 12:31

Custardo, isn't that just what parents do? Your post makes it sound unreasonable in some way...but surely partners pull together for the sake of the family no?

mitziw · 04/01/2011 12:31

hello, new here too. i wouldn't like something like that tobe discussed other than in private tbh

Tortington · 04/01/2011 12:32

yes they do. but her dh sounds clueless.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 12:34

I agree he shouldn't have said what he did in front of others but clueless? How?

ruddynorah · 04/01/2011 12:34

I do the evening job thing. My Dh does all that you describe custardo

He is home at 4pm. I then hand over to him, get ready for work, and off I go, 4 nights a week. Lovely. He does tea, bath and bed for our two aged 4 and 1. He does the washing, the cleaning, so when I get home at 10.30pm the house is sorted.

No resentment, we're equals. Although, I think he'd prefer to be the one at home in the day really.

scurryfunge · 04/01/2011 12:37

I think that is the key ruddynorah -behaving like equals in a partnership.

Sounds like the OP's relationship has communication problems with neither really knowing what the other does and having false expectations.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/01/2011 12:37

Litchick - I agree with you about understanding why some people would not want to be sole earner. Up to this point my DH has been happy to be sole earner, but we both feel it's now the time for me to work again (New Years Resolution).

But he also understand that both our lives and responsibilities will change.

OP - there are many practical problems to finding a job that suits you, but are you also feeling very stressed at the idea of it? The reason I ask is that I suffered a massive drop in confidence after having DC, and prior to that worked in a very stressful field, which I could not imagine going back to. So I have done a lot of voluntary work to increase my confidence and my skills and work out my next move. I sense from your anger and the fact that you said "I don't want the stress of it all now" in your OP that there may be more to this. Apologies if I am way off track.

MadameOvary · 04/01/2011 12:39

Custy

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/01/2011 12:40

I think you would be crazy to try and work some minimum wage job unless you need the money. Fine, if you want to further your career, or do something in the days (it's not six hours a day once you have taken four children to school/nursery/clubs) or had some strong motivation to return to work. But, running a household of six takes time and energy, even if not every single moment they are at school (I say this as a FTWM with two children). You could, if you needed the money, get someone else to do some of this or work yourself. But it would place a strain on you as a family, and whilst many many people have to do this, if you don't need to money-wise, I would not personally do so. Working out of the home when you have four under-nine is hard work. Doable, and perfectly possible, if as a family you decide to, but I think you would need a strong motivation and a very realistic look at what it would do to your finances (if you needed holiday care) and/or the burden of work in the household.

He's a twat for digging at you about it instead of having a frank conversation.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/01/2011 12:42

Good post onetoomany.

darleneconnor · 04/01/2011 12:42

Do you have quads or something? How can you have 4 DCs between 5+8?

He was totally unreasonable to say that in front of anyone but it is something worth discussing privatly sometime.

After school clubs are great, but I can see that the cost x4 might be prohibitive for you.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 12:42

For all we know, the OP with her assertations that 'we don't need the money' may be the clueless one.

You do need to divide the labour up, and the kids need chores as well. That needs to be non negotiable. One person should not do it all.

scurryfunge · 04/01/2011 12:45

Why the assumption that women have to take on minimum wage jobs?

Child care is difficult if you do not release some of the responsibility -ie to partners, family, child minders, nurseries, nanies, etc.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/01/2011 12:46

OP - does your DH do his fair share when he gets home from work?

scurryfunge · 04/01/2011 12:46

nannies, not nanies!

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