to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

[kanchan]

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP - does your DH do his fair share when he gets home from work?
and at weekends?

Darle maybe they are 4,5 , 6 and 7
Yuo ask like its not possible to have 4 children under 8 in school

Why do you think he said it in front of your in-laws, OP? Has he tried to raise this issue before and got a defensive response from you as you don't want to go back to work? You mention illness and not wanting the stress of it all but that's what millions of women have to juggle and get on with and you just do somehow.

If your hubby is worrying about money then you owe it to him to shoulder some of that responsibility. What about working when he's at home to look after the children? Are there really no suitable jobs for you to do whilst your children are at school? Solicitors offices are generally pretty good sources of work, for example - clerical, secretarial, etc. I'm sure that employers would let you take time off (albeit unpaid) if your children were unwell.

Please don't dismiss your hubby's concern out of hand, if the boot was on the other foot would you feel differently, ie. you being the breadwinner and him staying at home to look after the children?

Take some time to talk to him and then find out what your options are workwise. Your children are old enough now for you to get a job. Good luck.

I think mentioning things in front of other people is a sort of cowardly way of talking about something important without really discussing it. My parents make little digs at each other like that

perhaps her DH at present does not do any housework at home at all, after all she doesn't work, so i would say that housework would be her domain.

If one person works FT and the other doesn't, I think the one at home should do all the work within the home. DP has had a 3 month gap between contracts - during this time he has done 100% of the cleaning and housework, as I have been at work all day. Now he has gone back to work I will of course do my share again. But for 3 months I didn't lift a finger (it was bloody lovely). And DP was happy to do this.

I think what would be more telling is his attitude - he needs to know that if you are both working teh chores will be shared.

YANBU it should have been discussed/ raised in private but its out there now so it needs discussion.

Are there more issues here than the going back to work statement?

Is he under a lot of pressure and in need of a break that maybe he feels he can't have because of finances, maybe he feels you don't need because he hasn't run a house of 4 children + activities?

Is he going through a mini mid life crisis missing the dual income lots of freedom pre child existence that you had?

If money isn't really tight/ you're surviving could it be that he isn't feeling appreciated as a man/ lover and he wants you to be more than a mummy?

Could you write a list of all the activities you do and manage and review which would have to change if you worked school hours only. For example I should imagine that 4 hours of work a day, probably minimum wage type stuff even if you could find it, would be negated by the school holiday club costs for four. Evening work would mean he does all the post school runs and club drop off/ pick ups. This would show some willing as a start to opening discussion and might enable him to open up with where this has come from.

How much extra funding would make a difference? Would £2000 a year pay for a nice holiday and that's the thing he craves or is it money for having a hobby as an adult himself, would a monthly adults night out with a babysitter at home make him feel more content with the situation?

I'm a stay at home mum (now) haven't quite got it right yet my eldest is 7 and autistic so quite a handful and clubs/ holiday placements aren't an option which is one of the major reasons I'm at home, DS2 is 4 and DC3 is due any day. I've done and redone the sums for our situation and find that ebay is my best option for earning a few thousand a year. We sort out our unplayed with toys, clothes, diy stuff, stuff from around the house and general excess stuff, I ebay for my mum and family for 50% of the money made.

There are some other savings I find by being at home I shop around to buy stuff we make considerable savings. My shopping bill for the family is about half what it was when I worked full time and we eat better.

I don't know about your situation and don't wish to project too much of my own onto yours but I do think its easy to become just a mummy (I'm not dismissing that it is a very important job) and so much involved with the children and their lives that you forget/ don't make time for being a women and lover yourself.

He's not unreasonable to ask you to go back to work but he shouldn't have done it infront of his parents

As always on these threads, I agree with GetOrf

GetOrf - I agree about the SAHP doing the lions share of housework, but I'm talking about things like - emptying/filling the dishwasher, putting clothes in the washing basket, putting children to bed, making some meals, especially at weekends, being involved generally with the children at evenings and weekends.

As is much discussed on here, some working parents don't do anything after they come home from work, which I don't think is fair

Yes that is true Jamie. I am lucky in that DP and I have divided things up fairly equally.

It is more than abot justcleaning and tidying however - yoyu are right that hopefully the OP's husband gets involved with his kids, fetches and carries them, does bathtime etc.

I have just remembered I have got to go home tonight to an unhoovered house which will be cold and will need to put a wash on.

I need a housewife.

Just because millions of women juggle their working lives with their children doesn't mean that this is the right way for everybody.

I worked pt, with 3dc. It was a nightmare when they all went down with illnesses one after the other, on the days I worked, so it wasn't unusual to miss three weeks on the trot. It was unpaid, but no employer would be happy about it.

I worked evenings and weekends for a while, and DH did the home stuff. It worked fine, except for the fact that DH and I had zero time together.

We have now fallen into an easy pattern where I am more or less a sahm. I do most of the housework because in the evening, we spend time together as a family, then DH and I get to spend time together, without other things getting in the way.
At the weekend, any housework is done together, but mostly I catch up with it on Mondays.

Jobs at schools rarely come up around here, because so many mothers are trying to get back to work.
I occasionally take on cleaning jobs which can be done during school hours, but for people who understand that it needs to be flexible, and holiday working is out due to the cost of childcare.

Like I said, just because so many live a stressful juggling life (their words, not mine) doesn't mean everyone should.

Op, I'd be as hurt as you are. You need to talk to him, but like custard said, you also need to spell out what your working would mean to your lifestyle, and what he would be expected to do at home.

< puts hand up >

< remembers she is a lazy fecker who hates housework and is MNing to avoid hoovering own house. Puts hand down >

If he's tried to talk to you about it before but not got anywhere he might have mentioned in front of in-laws as a last resort.

How do you know you're financially comfortable? Do you do all the household finances or is just what he tells you? Do you know if his job is safe?

I think you're being VU by dismissing his question/suggestion out of hand without even discussing it with him. Imagine if you asked him to do more around the house and he thought you were being so unreasonable to the extent he was wondering HOW TO FORGIVE YOU for the mere suggestion!

The mind boggles sometimes.

'Agrees with Jamieleecurtis' My reckoning is if the dog can lose a little more hair, no-one will see the dirt on the carpet underneath it

Come off it, it's not that hard to run a house. It's certainy not a full time job, and believe it or not, some things around the house can actually be achieved while the children are in it.

He has enabled you to stay at home for this long, he does have the right to suggest that you work.

You feel you don't need the money, maybe he feels you do. Maybe considering that he works hard, which he must do to be able to support a family of six comfortably, he'd like to have a few of the luxuries in life that you could all enjoy if you do some paid work.

It doesn't sound like you have discussed it, how do you know he wouldn't be willing to contribute to household things, put some money aside for a cleaner etc?

YABVU, and you have nothing to forgive him for. He shouldn't have said it in front of people, especially his parents, but even that's hardly the crime of the century.

I actually don't mind not seeing Dh 4nights a week. We make the most of our weekends and nights we do see each other. It's worth it for having no worry about kids being ill or school holidays etc.

Jamie.

Don't think i don't know that DP went out to the gym, went for lunch, then came home and pissed about at home doing sod all before thinking at 4.30 'fuck, getorf will kill me the house is a tip' and cleaning the house like a whirling dervish before I came home 9 times out of 10.

The house alwasy smelled suspiciously of pledge (squirted in the air minutes before I walked in to make it smell like he had been cleaning all day, I know his tricks )

YANBU, he shouldn't have brought it up in front of inlaws/parents like that, especially if this is the first time you've even discussed the issue.

He has a point though that it should be possible for you to do some paid work. Though it might not be as easy as he thinks, it's one thing to ask for a working-from-home arrangement in job you're already in, not so easy to find one with that arrangement from the start.

Would he consider changing his hours/working from home etc? That might be easier than one working parent having all the responsibility for the school run,looking after sick children, childcare after school etc, and it would be easier for you to find a job if you don't have sole responsibility for those things. He can't expect all the change/compromise to be on your part.

"As is much discussed on here, some working parents don't do anything after they come home from work, which I don't think is fair"

Which may be true, but equally it's hardly fair that he is the only one expected to do any work outside the home and is ignored when he tries to pursue the issue that his wife should be looking for work

Oh, and of course it's worth it for the money, pension, etc. We too don't need the money in theory, but it's helping us make sure we're mortgage free ASAP.

How did the conversation go up to that point. My own dear (SAHM of one) SIL was complaining at length over Christmas about how she'd love a bigger house with a garden and how they didn't have two pennies to rub together and so when my DB said 'you could always get a job dear' her expression, I'd imagine, was something similar to yours....

Context is everything :)

Assuming it really does take 6 hours a day, I propose that it's the OP's DH's turn to have a few years playing house.