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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 04/01/2011 13:44

I'll join the bandwagon saying:

YANBU to be annoyed be brought it up in front of the inlaws.

BUT, YABU if you want to stay at home living off his salary if he's not happy being the sole breadwinner. Why should he support you, assuming you're a capable healthy adult, if he doesn't want to?

Lots of us work full time with school age children and it's really not hard to find wrap-around care. Staying you need to be home 'in case' a child fell ill is ridiculous.

altinkum · 04/01/2011 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 13:45

Happystressed we decided that child care wasn't an option. I would never choose to put my children into holiday club/afterschool club unless I financially couldn't afford to be a SAHM.

Why would I give them to someone else to 'look after' when all they want is to come home and sit on my knee, have a biscuit and tell me about their day. Personally, I just coudn't do it whilst they are only 8 and 5

moondog · 04/01/2011 13:45

I dunno.An hour or two light housekeeping a day doesn't equte to the stresses and strains of a f/t job.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 13:45

I do absolute minimal housework at weekends...just a bit of uniform washing (well the machine washes it for me lol) and then I iron them.

We don't have a dishwasher so all that's left to do is cooking and washing up and my Husband loves to do both.

pink4ever · 04/01/2011 13:46

mayorquimby-yes but has dh taken into consideration the difficulties op has pointed out(who looks after kids when they ill,school hols etcs?is her dh going to do his share?.However will stand very firm in my belief that he had absolutely no right to bring it up in front of inlaws(merely did that to shame/embaress op-wankerish thing to do however you look at it).

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 13:48

op - did your DH's mum work when he was young?

happystressedmum · 04/01/2011 13:48

Vintage - then you are very lucky you have the choice NOT to work and be there for your children. Many of us are not as fortunate and HAVE to work in order to pay the mortgage etc so compromises have to be made.

I dont want to put my children in holiday and afterschool clubs but it is a necessity.

What will you do when the children dont need you anymore?

narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 13:51

There's nothing wrong with staying at home to look after older children If that is what the couple agree on and are happy with. No-one has the right to be financially supported by another adult. It's something that's worked out as part of the relationship not something you set to decide unilaterally.

How would you feel if your DH suddenly announced he was taking a year off work and it was your turn to be the sole breadwinner? Did you ever agree that you were not going to work again after having children? When would you consider them old enough for you to return to work?

In front of the ILs was not appropriate but it sounds like he's been trying to talk to you about this for a while.

COCKadoodledooo · 04/01/2011 13:51

If yur eldest is 9 I cannot believe that this conversation has never come up before, so nope, I don't think he was unreasonable to bring it up, regardless of the company.

Some men do become twats in front of their parents though, and will say something because it's what they think their parent wants to hear. I guess what you need to find out is whether it's what he does actually think, and if so whether you're going to do anything about it.

Personally I think you're very lucky to have had that luxury for so long, and if he wants/needs you to share the financial burden and you refuse, then frankly you're taking the piss.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/01/2011 13:52

vintageteacups - "Why would I give them to someone else to 'look after' when all they want is to come home and sit on my knee, have a biscuit and tell me about their day"

Well, because a) I have a life and identity of my own outside of being a mum

b) all they ever want to do is watch TV anyway

I am baffled by women who think their child couldn't possibly be being looked after in a capable, nurturing and educational manner by anyone except themselves.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 13:52

I have to say I do feel very sorry for some children who often end up in someone else's care for 10 hours a day or sometimes more...but then again I also feel sorry for the parents who are trying to make ends meet.

Damned if you claim benefits and look after them yourself...and damned if you have to use a lot of child care.

Chandon · 04/01/2011 13:53

It doesn't take 6 hrs, but that is besides the point. The question is, do you WANT your DC to be outsourced all day? and: can you live on one salary?

It should be discussed, but the problem is that DHs often do not know how much work a SAHM does behind the scenes (essentially she is a safety net for all eventualities,sick days, INSET, snow closure (!!!) days etc.).

Yes, a SAHM does get lots of coffee breaks.

But I do not share the working mums comments above that you should just shove the kids into childcare,without a thought.

A lot of it is quite second rate, and fairly, most kids prefer being at home. There, I've said it.

This is NOT a reason to not work, but should defo be part of the considerations!

It is not about how much time housework takes. It is about what works best for the children and the parents.

My friends who work school hours (as they prefer to not leave kids with childminders etc.) do the following jobs:

  • dinner lady
  • TA or Playgroup assistant
  • shelf stacking
  • personal trainer (to SAHM during school hours Grin)
-jamie, pampered cheff etc. projects
  • part time financial advisor
  • translator (at home)

HTH. There ARE options, but you need to carefully consider the needs of the whole family, not just your DH.

nikki1978 · 04/01/2011 13:53

You just need to sit down and discuss this properly. He was out of line to bring it up like he did but you are out of line to dismiss it out of hand.

He clearly thinks you need more money - who of you controls the finances in your relationship?

I know how hard it is to find work to fit around your children. It is easy for people to say just get a job and use after school clubs but there are 13 weeks holiday a year too and I am guessing that childcare for 4 children may mean that any extra money you could contribute to the family pot may entirely get eaten up by childcare! Then add on the stress of having to do housework, chores etc etc in the evenings and weekends and having to divide this all between you it may end up that 2 working parents means you are worse off than you were before!

You need to work out how much more money you need per month and how much childcare would cost on an annual basis. Take this off what you can realistically earn after tax and see if it is worth it. Of course you may be able to find a term time, school hours job but they are like gold dust - believe me I have looked!

Anyway I understand you are annoyed that he thinks you do nothing but to be honest in the 30 hours you have spare each week what do you do? I would imagine shopping, cleaning and chores can't take up all that time? I know you are entitled to a break as you also have the kids from when they wake up until when they go to bed but if you are struggling financially then your time can be put to better use.

You need to face this as a team. As you should do anything as a couple.

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 13:54

I wasn't dissing mums who do have child care - just saying that it was a choice for us not to.

Once they are old enough to be left, I will probbaly train to teach, which was my desire all along.

Gay40 · 04/01/2011 13:54

I agree with your DH, but that was not a discussion to be had in front of anyone else.

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 13:54

I can actually spell probably!!

LeQueen · 04/01/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/01/2011 13:55

mutznutz - why? Why on earth would you feel sorry for children who are inundated with crafts, activities, games and loads of friends around them? Again, why is a mother's care any better than that of child care provider? Personally, I'm shit at thinking up stuff for my DDs to do - DD1 cries when I pick her up at 6pm because she's having so much fun with her mates.

Don't pity my children please. How patronising and insulting!

NancyDrewHasaClue · 04/01/2011 13:55

curlymama "he has enabled you to stay at home"

that would be just as much as she has enabled him to go out to work then?

narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 13:57

You missed out teacher Chandon. It means you get holidays when they do. If that's important to you go for it.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/01/2011 13:58

I recognise the "dismissing it out of hand" thing. I've done it myself, when I had no idea what I wanted to do, and no confidence.

OP hope you can discuss it with him.

MadamDeathstare · 04/01/2011 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 13:59

AnnieLobeseder Tue 04-Jan-11 13:55:20
mutznutz - why? Why on earth would you feel sorry for children who are inundated with crafts, activities, games and loads of friends around them? Again, why is a mother's care any better than that of child care provider? Personally, I'm shit at thinking up stuff for my DDs to do - DD1 cries when I pick her up at 6pm because she's having so much fun with her mates.

Don't pity my children please. How patronising and insulting!

Perhaps you should read my post again. I said I feel sorry for 'some' children..not yours as I don't know them do I? Hmm

Two in particular spring to mind (my 8yr old's friends) both are dropped off with a childminder at 7am, then taken to breakfast club, then they do 6 hours at school, then it's after school club...they finally get home with Mum and Dad at 7pm, homework, bath, dinner and bed...that's it until the weekend.

Both have said numerous times they hate being apart from their parents for so long and envy my son for being able to go straight home after school.

I'm not knocking the parents btw, they do what they have to in order to get by Smile

vintageteacups · 04/01/2011 14:01

madame a government survery carried out a couple of years ago said that if all of the women who did unpaid voluntary work suddenly stopped doing it, then the country would collapse.

Good for you.

I did voluntary BF peer support and chair person at a preschool and DH was really annoyed. He said I was being slefish; giving strangers my time unpaid so taking away time I could be at home doing the housework!