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Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 11:55

twilight

moondog · 04/01/2011 11:56

I love all these people who grandly demand jobs that fit in exactly with their requirements.
Work by definition impinges on the way you run your life.

Hmm
Katisha · 04/01/2011 11:57

Many many women are searching for that Holy Grail - the part time job that you can do in school hours.

You may be very lucky and find one. It probably won't pay much though. You could do something from home, like party plan stuff - Avon, Jamie at Home etc.

Or you could go back full-time and rely on after-school clubs like I do.

But whatever it is - DH certainly needs to understand the realities of all this. You should sit him down, agree to have a conversation that doesn't descend into point scoring and go through all the ramifications of you working. YOu might also want to look at whether going back to work is as impossible as you think it will be.

What did you do before having children?

rainbowinthesky · 04/01/2011 11:57

I would expect my dh to get a job if he were you. How do you suppose the rest of the world manage? How much time can it possibly take to do housework when your kids are in school all day? You cant have anymore than people who work full time and manage fine.

Silver1 · 04/01/2011 12:00

He works in the day his down time is evening.
He wants you to work during the day and run the home and kids after school? And he proposed this in front of your in-laws. He sounds nice.
And why do some women on here presume to tell others that they should be working, it is a decision to be worked out whithin a marriage not by Harriet Harman clones.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 12:00

I cannot see how running a home can be classed as at all dificult when all your children are at school all day.

PonceyMcPonce · 04/01/2011 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowinthesky · 04/01/2011 12:02

Surely it's a joint decision that someone doesnt work and the other is the sole bread winner? The dh hasnt said that the op should do all the housework and look after kids in the evening - unless I've missed that bit.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 12:02

This is the age old problem, no?

Most people do not want to be the sole breadwinner. It is a lot of pressure on one pair of shoulders.

But if one partner works full time and is unable to take on child caring duties during holidays and sickness, the other wants to find work that fits in around the children.

The two don't often marry up well.

That is why it is imparative that a couple discuss these issues, explore possibilities and review their situation regualarly.

Clearly te OP's DH has been doing some reviewing unilaterally.

Ivette · 04/01/2011 12:03

if its soo hard with 4 kids,why didnt u stop at 1 or 2? Is your DH helping u out in anything? My ex was sat at home for 7 months,not looking for a job,not looking after home nor my daughtes so I know where are you coming from. Ontoh u can show him that u r looking for a job if u r.and the most important-do you want to go back to work?

GrizzlyMacDuff · 04/01/2011 12:04

it is not up to him to tell you to go back to work, in front of other people or otherwise. It is something he could bring up, start a discussion about sure, and does need to be broached at some point if you both feel it appropriate, but not his job to tell you, and certainly not his job to humiliate you in front of his parents.

Perhaps he needed to demonstrate to them his 'position' in the relationship for some reason? impress them?

PonceyMcPonce · 04/01/2011 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 12:06

Poncey - most men are not dreadful Grin.

The difficulties lie in couples not adequately communicating...and by that, I do mean that sometimes either partner needs to spell things out that ought to be obvious.

We are all a little obtuse at times.

Original poster
kanchan · 04/01/2011 12:08

Poncey....great comments! Yes, I like the Saturday job idea. He couldn't cope doing all the running around....The reality is that we don't need the extra money, sure it would be nice but we don't actually need it.

And I do like taking the kids to school and picking up...I had kids to enjoy them and I consider myself lucky that I can do these things, I know many women have to go out to work.

He's made comments before about it, nothing too serious but he obviously started the New year with a bang...what an idiot...how can I forgive him?

OP posts:
mumeeee · 04/01/2011 12:09

I didn't go back to work until my youngest was 8. I found that once the children startes school they actually neded me more.
They would be very tired and grumpy at the end of the school day.
I didn't sit around doing nothing all day.
I did do a Maths and English course to brush up my skills but these were in the morning and if I had to go to a class assembly or take a child to an appointment I could easily miss a day but that wouldn#t have been the case if I worked,
I'm fed up with peole just prexuming if someone doesn't work when thier children are at primary school then they must be doing nothing all day.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 12:09

For example, when DH and I both worked full time it became obvious to me that we could not continue as we were.

Too much stress and strain on family life.

But I wouldn't have simply announced in front of my Mother that I was giving up work.

We discussed the best way forward for everyone.

Katisha · 04/01/2011 12:09

Well will you have a proper conversation about it with him or not?

PonceyMcPonce · 04/01/2011 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 12:11

I have no problem with stay at home mums that have school age kids (unless they're claiming benefits) I am a stay at home Mum myself...it was a joint decision between me and my husband and it works out great as the only family we have living near by is my almost 80yr old Dad...my husband works odd shift hours and earns enough for us all to live on.

But running a home while they're all at school is certainly not difficult at all...in fact I've taken on voluntary work and college training to fill my time. If a paid job within school hours came along I'd take it as my kids rarely have time off sick...but those jobs are like gold dust.

However, if my Husband wasn't happy being the bread winner or if we were struggling to survive then of course I'd be looking into childcare and all that sort of thing.

FayeFife · 04/01/2011 12:11

Hi folks I'm new. Just thought I'd jump in to the discussion if that's cool with you lot?

To bring it up in front of the in laws was silly because now they will obviously support your husband in his opinion, and your failure to get a job will brand you forever as 'that lazy cow' in their household.
So nil point to hubby on that score.

However, that asides he has a point. I have three kids and as soon as all three are in school full time I will certainly be contributing to the household income in some way. I think that's a given tbh.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 12:12

kanchan - you say he has made comments before.

This is known as trying to open a dialogue.

Why have you ignored him?

The sensible thing would be to discuss the best way forward, putting a number of options on the table. A relationship is not a war to be won.

Mkae some suggestions. Try to be positive. Opening a debate about how to move forward shouldn't begin with a litany of neagtivity.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/01/2011 12:13

Thing is though, OP, your DH earns the money to enable you to stay at home. Perhaps he is a bit sick of having all the financial responsibilty. He must be unhappy with the status quo otherwise he would not have suggested you go back to work.

You saying 'how do I forgive him' is ridiculous imo. You are missing the point.

wannaBe · 04/01/2011 12:15

I don't think that there are women insisting other women should be working.

But clearly the op's dh feels that she should be working (be that because he feels that he is under pressure to be the breadwinner or whether he perhaps feels that the op is wasting her life at home), and the op is making excuses "it's hard work running the house" and people are pointing out that if her dh feels she should work as well then perhaps this is something that should be discussed, and that running a house does not in fact take up all one's time when all the children are out at school for six hours a day.

I gave up work when ds was born because we could afford for dh to be the breadwinner, and that is a position he is still happy with.

I am now in a position however (have been for a while) where I feel that I want to do something more constructive with my life. It's not about the money; it's about the need to get back out there iyswim, so we're not under pressure to find a job - any job. But unfortunately there just aren't jobs that fit in with the school hours, and I am restricted slightly by the fact I am visually impaired so there are some jobs which I just cannot do (and it ercs me hugely to admit that Wink), so I can't do a party planner job or a TA job, was going to go to uni but we really can't afford that so currently I am stuck at home.

But that doesn't mean I feel that I shouldn't have to work - if things changed for us financially I would have to go and get a job in a call centre/office but currently I can afford not to do that and neither of us sees the point of shelling out for childcare when we don't need for me to work financially iyswim.

emy72 · 04/01/2011 12:16

It was out of order to mention it in front of the ILs. I would have been mad about that.

However, he is obviously not happy with the status quo. Maybe he is worried about finances.

Why don't you have a chat when you are both relaxed, children in bed etc and see what his thoughts are?

You two need to talk I think!

moondog · 04/01/2011 12:18

Hell Faye. SmileHeavens yes, pile in!

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