to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

[kanchan]

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

Oh x-post with many. I'm just repeating things sorry i should read first

But in the end of the day OP had 4 pregnancies, 4 births, 4 newborns and preschoolers and now they are at school she can have a cuppuccino and read a book. So what? If they can afford it it doesn't wind me up.

But it clearly does wind her OH up, which is what this thread is about.

Good point Laquitar. I too have 4 in under 7 years and I think I would need a good while just to recover. I am falling apart though

Totally agree with NancyDrew.

Why are people assuming that when we Sahm's talk about what we donthat we mean that's it's a full time job or that's is hard. I didn't say that making packed lunches or arranging playdates was difficult or time consuming earlier. The reason I mentioned it was because these small things we do would still need to be done if I worked. If my dh wanted me to return to work like the OP's then I would write a list of tasks and expect them to be spilt 50/50. I suspect the OP's dh hasn't given any thought to what the op does contribute. Yes I know working mothers get all the other stuff done too, but why is it so often the women who takes on the domestic and child related jobs too? Or they downgrade their job to fit in all the other stuff. If the op's dh wants her to work then he should make equal compromises.

I don't like being judged as lazy because I don't work. I don't claim that being at home is the same as working I am happy to say that I have lots of free time, which I enjoy. It is the right thing for my family and it's not anyone elses business. Why should I work just so people don't think Im lazy?

What it so sad is that women are being so judgemental of each other. I haven't made any negative comments about working parents. What I wholeheartedly believe happy children have happy parents, so choose the path that works best for you.

We could go back and forth forever, arguing over whether he is entitled to feel wound up.

I wish the OP would come back with more details, but if he is prepared to support the time it takes for her to retrain and get a decent career then fair enough.

If he wants to have his cake and eat it, with the OP doing everything she does at the moment and having some dead end job that fits in around school/him then he is most definitely being unreasonable.

Also this thread is about him bringing it up in front of his parents. We have universally agreed that this was wrong and I must admit I am judging him on the basis of what he did. I don't think it bodes well for other aspects of his character. Think the OP could end up getting lumbered with more work and not a fair and equal division of labour.

Have read this whole thread and feel like I've run a marathon!

My five eggs worth - I see two things in this debate :

1.The opinion of the value of working for a wage versus the value of personal choice and how it impacts on / benefits society as a whole (this I extrapolate from any comments about how children in various families will be influenced by the parenting they experience by parents of either sex).

There does seem to be a bit of a Borg versus Earth Parent mentality with little room for compromise.

2.How often people seem to seek external support / validation to make decisions about extremely personal things.

For example, the OPs husband patently felt the need or felt it normal to include his parents in a subject which the OP feels is for them to discuss together, and appears to have broadsided her with it if he hadn't brought it up before. Which I think is pretty unreasonable, and ask my DH not to do, as I don't want to feel pressured into controlling my responses to things he brings up dishonestly for the sake of other people who may feel uncomfortable. It leaves you with two issues to solve, rather than just one which might be less controversial if brought up at a more appropriate time.

And FWIW if I were the OP I would be likely more disturbed that my DH and I had such different views about something so fundamental and it had only come to light at this point. It does make you wonder about other things too, and can make you feel as if suddenly your DH has a completely different view of you than the one you had, and the one you thought he had - it would make me feel very

teachermum, i think some posters also got a bit wind up that another woman has some free mornings.
Regarding OP's dh i meant that if he loves her he should be happy that she finally can have some time to herself after the previous years. 4 pregnancies, 4 births and 4 newborn stages when your dh works long days and travels its not fun. I only had 3 and my dh wants to see me happy and relaxed and he was very worry about the strain on my health (ok thats because i'm over 40).
In a marriage there are pieces and periods. You might have it harder this year but easier next year and so one.

Did he compare their load when she was up in the nights feeding newborns 4 times one after the other? Getting upset when your partner finally takes a breath? (when there is no financial pressure)

Now you've all scared me, as I have 4 children under 7 and about to return to work....

Xenia where are you when we need you?

-' but I'm not being judgemental of a scenario where the couple agree for one person to be at home for a while. The issue here is the DISagreement about it. And no, I wouldn't want any of my children (and I have both genders) to be in a partnership where there was disagreement over such an important issue. It cuts both ways anyway - I would worry if either my ds or dds were expected to be the sole breadwinner for their family in the future - it's a big burden. I would also worry if my dds felt tempted to partner a man just because of his earning capability. I want them to marry for love and realise they can earn money too!'

Just wanted to come back to Violet to say I think we actually agree on more than we disagree! Hope the OP manages to have a decent discussion to resolve issues.

"people have social lives and interests outside work too!" That is exactly my point violethill most people have a life aside from that which they fill most of their time with (either childcare or working).

As for my comments re janet shagging kevin or whoever - if you really cannot recognise that as tongue in cheek then you really do need to get out more

I am just a little sick of people attempting to belittle the choices that I have made by making the unimaginative claim that I must be dull and lazy. If as a working person you cannot imagine what you might do with an extra 20 hours or week to yourself then it strikes me that it is you who is dull not me - since I seem to manage quite well to fill my time with interesting and stimulating activities (not to mention a fair amount of mn crap )

baggedandtagged No way is that a good deal! 50 hours plus at work where you have targets,deadlines,time constraints/ usually a dress code.. for what you listed..

• do the housework/ laundry etc (get a cleaner for a couple hours a week)
• go to the supermarket (order on line, 1 hour, once a month.
• walk the dog (dont have a dog)
• deal with car/ house/ white good malfunctions (realistically how often does anyone have to do these things?)
• deal with builders (once evey 5 years?)
• do your tax return (10 minutes every 3 months/a year
• sort out the finances (... not sure what that means exactly)
• take time off work to look after sick kids/ worry about leaving on time to do pick ups (how often are your kids sick?! and if you have a good childminder pick ups/drop offs arent a concern)

I wouldn't for-go my DPs income for the duties listed, no ta!

Also, several of my colleagues work 4 day weeks. They class the day they don't work as their 'day off' despite having children at school.
It is very much regarded as a treat day to spend time on themselves and chill out... so please can someone explain why someone with 5 such days a week should be stressed??

It is clear to me that choosing to stay at home past when the kids go back to school is a hang over from times gone by when there were no convenience items; washing machines, online shopping, cars (for average people), freezers etc. Trying to eek out the need for a person to 'run a household' is bizarre in this day and age.

How tidy/messy is your home BA?

please, please tell me , that we haven't sunk to playing whose-house-is-the-tidiest top trumps.

YANBU about him mentioning it in front of your in-laws

On a personal note, he must realise that he has only been able to forge ahead with his own work because you have been at home to pick up the slack, wrap-around childcare etc etc... he wouldn't be where he was today if it wasn't for your contribution etc etc

So it comes down to a question of respect towards you. DOes he respect the contribution you have made?

If there is respect between you, but he is worried about the financial burden being on his shoulders, then that is a good reason to go back to work
Another good reason is to shift the power balance in your favour.

The problem is, part time jobs in retail don't really do any of those things. Many of them are exploitative and depend on mothers' inflexibility in order to justify paying shit wages.

I would look at what you can do long-term. Can you retrain? (sorry I haven't read the thread) Can you do something you are happy with?

And it goes without saying that if he sees his wages as his then he regards you much the same as paid staff (except you don't even get a wage...)

some people bring up difficult/sensitives subjects in front of others hoping for some sort of support from the other people, and some people do it in front of others to belittle their spouse, so it depends on why he done it, as to whether the OP should go to work thats a whole other issue, its never been an option for me to stay at home so i havent had to think about it,

He might want support from his parents and is likely to get it, but this is done at the expense of his spouse, who doesn't have her mum and dad sitting there to offer her support. The more I think about it, the more I think it was a cowardly thing to do.

If he's got something to say then he should say it, privately, to his wife. Can't stand this manchild behaviour.

Saying it in front of anyone is poor, but his Mother!!!

I still can't get my head around that.

Blindassin I actually agree with you that running a household is not a fulltime job. I suspect many woman claim the same because otherwise they are villified for being lazy workshy spongers.

My time is taken up by a variety of things some domestic some not so and I certainly don't claim to be stressed - although will admit to finding periods stressful when I still had an infant/toddler at home.

I disagree that staying at home is simply a hangover from the old days. The reason I prefer to be at home is it means a great deal to me (and I think my DC) that I can do the school run and spend time with them in the afternoons. If I worked in the profession which I am qualified this would not be possible. I didn't have the sort of career which can be carried out between the hours of 9:30 and 2:30.

So my options would be to return to work (which would effectively entail being out of the house 7-7 at least 4 days per week)or take a job that fitted in with school hours and TBH (and flame at will) I am not prepared to do a near minimum wage job just so that other people feel I am "pulling my weight".

Not sure why it's relevent... but my house is immacualt. we have trained the kids to with in an inch of their lives to tidy up after themselves and have a cleaner for 2 hours a week. DP and I are naturally fairly minimalist in terms of furnishing so there's hardly any dust etc and because we both like cleaness we'll alway wipe surfaces and tidy as we go so mess is never a problem.

It is very clear that some working women on here have attacked the op being a SAHM. It makes me wonder how did you get a job in the first place? You don't seem employable or do you need to be a bitch where you work? Glad I don't work where you do. Full of dull people. I wouldn't call your social lives much fun if all you do is bitch like on here!pretty narrow minded if you ask me!

"So my options would be to return to work (which would effectively entail being out of the house 7-7 at least 4 days per week)or take a job that fitted in with school hours and TBH (and flame at will) I am not prepared to do a near minimum wage job just so that other people feel I am "pulling my weight"."

Here here. If financially we needed me to take the minimum wage job, I would but we don't so I don't. Why has it got anything to do with anyone else what I do with my free time during the week. My dh doesn't give a monkeys, he says I had it hard with three dc's all very close together in age and that it gives him pleasure to know that my life is easier now. If he lost his job tomorrow then I'd do whatever necessary.

This thread has been a little grim, I agree christmaswishes. Seems the OPs husband has given some people free reign to say what they really feel about SAHMs. Still I think most women recognise that it is "horses for courses" when it comes to this issue and most WOHMs don't judge SAHMs and vice versa