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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
Animation · 04/01/2011 21:46

Kanchan - you put your foot down with your DH and tell him to knock it off talking to you like that in front of his parents.

Whether you're working or not isn't the issue - and by the sound of it you've plenty on with your four kids. Wink

Original poster
kanchan · 04/01/2011 21:46

Bechka......what a lovely person you must be....what is the point of your last sentence?

startofnw.....yes, that's exactly it

OP posts:
Northernlebkuchen · 04/01/2011 21:47

THey don't get appreciated if the other person thinks that at least part of what they're doing is not worthwhile.
The op is defending her right to go to the gym and do a writing course rather than work whilst her children are at school. I'm not comfortable with that position - but it's very clear she is!

startofnewterm - I have three children and no parents within 100 miles and both dh and I work fulltime so I'm sure you'll understand that I won't be accepting that people like the op 'can't' work. My dh travels for work as well.

Animation · 04/01/2011 21:48

Yeah - Bechka - what's up with you?Hmm

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 21:49

Bechka, your DH should appreciate that unless he is working insane hours himself.

When I was at home I very much appreciated that DH gave me and DS a year after my maternity pay ended to be at home together. He worked bloody long hours to do so. He appreciated the fact I didn't expect him to do a lick of housework, as that was my job at the time.

I think everyone in a marriage deserves a bit of appreciation if they pull their weight - and 4 kids between 4 and 9? That's 4 in 5 years. Bloody hard work - 1 is hard work, but can you imagine 3 toddlers and a newborn?! Childcare IS work - in some ways, paid employment is easier. You get (paid!) sick leave for a start.

narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 21:50

What's wrong with a writing course? Maybe aromatherapy and flower arranging were booked up.

Teachermumof3 · 04/01/2011 21:51

OP-can you tell us exactly how it cropped up in conversation? Who brought it up and who said what?

Has he been trying to talk to you about this for ages and you hadn't realised how serious he was/hadn't discussed it with him, so he brought it up in public to address how important it was to him?

It can be a scary thing to be solely responsible for all the bills-maybe he just wants help shouldering the pressure. Has he actually said he won't be doing more housework/childcare?

Original poster
kanchan · 04/01/2011 21:54

northernle......I never said I 'can't' work....I don't want to work. I would rather do all the housework but most importantly I want to take my kids to school, pick them up and not have someone else do this.

Why is that so wrong?

I knew the gym bit would annoy some of you....I only mentioned it because some of you think that unless you're doing paid work you are just at home watching TV......

OP posts:
startofnewterm · 04/01/2011 21:56

But the thing is Northern, you have to be earning a decent wage to make working financially worthwhile, especially with 3 or 4 children.

And, to be fair, if you have held the same job for a number of years then its very often possible to re-negotiate hours slightly for your return to work after maternity leave. I do think that many women return to work on either reduced hours or adjusted hours after having children. On the whole, its easier to negotiate this for a job you are returning to as opposed to a job you are applying for.

CurrySpice · 04/01/2011 21:57

I'm self-employed perfectstorm. No paid sick leave. Or holidays. Or pension. Or jack shit tbh Shock

But I love my busy, slightly chaotic, fulfilled, stimulating, exhausting life :o

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 21:57

kanchan, if your family has the money it's not wrong, but if your DH is finding the strain of being sole breadwinner hard to cope with, perhaps you need to discuss that with him. It is a bit hard if he is lying awake at night wondering what the hell would happen if he lost his job, and you want to have some time to parent when your kids are now school age (not saying that isn't valuable, too, just that you need to find out where this is coming from - if you don't, he may start to feel like a meal ticket).

Can I ask what you are qualified to do? How good would the childcare you could afford be - what did you do before you had the kids?

BeerTricksPotter · 04/01/2011 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kanchan · 04/01/2011 22:01

teachermum....it came up in conversation quite innocently....we were just talking about a kitchen item and I just mentioned an idea for a great product....well, he just said I should go for it, that it was too good to shelf. We laughed etc but he then carried on saying I should go back to work now that the kids are at school...he just insisted a bit too much and it wasn't the right conversation to have with his parents, it upset me.

He's not scared of being the only breadwinner. But he has no idea about how much he would have to do round the house and with the kids if I went back to work. He thinks that life would remain as it is but I would be at work whilst the kids are at school....very naive

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 04/01/2011 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlebkuchen · 04/01/2011 22:08

OP - I never said you 'can't' work but others had suggested that was the case. I can see why your dh is upset about this - really how would you react if he said he didn't 'want' to work? The only thiing that makes that choice possible for you is that he does. This isn't a choice you're backing up - you get to do what you want to do and he gets to do what you want to do and then you go to the gym Hmm

The arguement that you need to earn x in order to afford to work is a fallacy. By working you advance your career and ultimately will earn more in a better and more satisfying job. Working women are better off in the long run even if they aren't in the short run.

Extremelychocolatey · 04/01/2011 22:09

Why oh why are we having the SAHM-v-WOHM argument in 2011?

Katisha · 04/01/2011 22:11

OP are you going to sit down and talk this through with him properly?
Or just shake your head sorrowfully at his naivety?

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 22:15

Extremelychocolatey - I was wondering that. Why the hell do these threads always go like this? Why can't both roles be respected? Depressing.

workhardplayhard · 04/01/2011 22:16

Maybe as you say it isn't financial and you can afford to provide your family with everything they need now and in the future on one salary - if that's the case then great, your DH must have one hell of a job!!
(Assuming you're not relying on tax credits...)

So if it's not financial have you considered that maybe he's finding he has nothing in common with you since you don't have an outside life?

Maybe he wants the old you back -the person he met, one with interests and ambition?

Do you have outside interests you can speak to him about or is the conversation all about housework?

WhoKnew2010 · 04/01/2011 22:20

Thanks Litchick.

OP It must have been hard to hear that your DH thinks that your collective work/life balance should change. Particularly in front of his ILs (disloyal in my view).

But it's only if you talk to him about this that you'll find out whether he is lying awake at night or not. It may well make no financial or practical sense when you talk it through with him, the logistics would be difficult at best, but he may find that he has real concerns and if you engage with them he will feel more supported in going out there every day. I've been amazed at how much harder I've found it to be responsible for five people. It's tough.

Maybe you both feel unappreciated at the moment?

bronze · 04/01/2011 22:29

Thats a bit of an assumption and a half that a sahm has nothing else to talk about. I don't particularly like talking about other peoples jobs but then I don't assume thats the be all and end all to them.

Talk talk talk and more talk.

It got me talking to my dh too. I wanted to check he was still ok with our setup and luckily for me he seems more than happy.

GettinTrimmer · 04/01/2011 22:30

workhard - I'm looking for a job now after being a SAHM. Just because some of us are at home doesn't mean we're boring - I have done AS Level French, read novel after novel, run regularly and have been co-ordinator for my dd's pre-school committee and have plenty to say to dh.

My work experience unfortunately is with local government (very few jobs atm Sad) and of course we all have to work around problems with childcare - I looked after my friend's dc during the school closures.

It seems women can't win - if you go out to work we get accused of neglecting children and relying on childcare, if you don't you must be dull and of no use as you're not making a financial commitment.

Animation · 04/01/2011 22:43

I'm a part-time worker. Some of you workers have a bit of a superior air about you, don't you.

startofnewterm · 04/01/2011 23:37

Northern, not all people have a career as such, many people just have a job that pays the bills and keeps a roof over their head. Not everyone has the kind of job that you can work your way up the ladder.

Working your way up the ladder requires committment and time and thats not something alot of people wish to give. Work is a means to an end and nothing more.

I agree that its beneficial long term but personally for me, money is not our priority, we are comfortable and enjoy not having to rely on others for our children. We have enough money to pay the bills and have a nice holiday, clothes and social life. If we wanted anything else it would have to be at the expense of me working weekends, dh putting in more hours which for us encroaches on our important family time.

jjkm · 04/01/2011 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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