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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

510 replies

kanchan · 04/01/2011 11:36

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

OP posts:
Animation · 04/01/2011 19:43

I don't know if the DH is unhappy or nor not, but what's clear is that he puts his wife down infront of his parents. That signals to me an arsehole - who needs more assertive handling by the OP.

christmaswishes · 04/01/2011 19:44

So all the self righteous 60 hour a week workers better trot along now and get some work done. What you doing on mumsnet? Noticed your guys aren't on this thread probably because they are working. Oh you are slacking! Jeez. Can't get the staff :))

tribpot · 04/01/2011 19:46

kanchan, I think you have some very valid reasons not to want to work (outside the home) but it's not really us you need to convince/debate it with, it's your DH. You are quite right he shouldn't have brought this up in front of his parents, that's bang out of order. But if he wants a discussion about how your roles best fit together now all the children are at school, you owe him the courtesy of that at least. My SIL (with three kids somewhat older than yours, youngest is 8) works as a teaching assistant, which works quite well for them but it has to be a mutual decision.

WhoKnew2010 · 04/01/2011 19:48

Fwiw I'm the sole earner and find it terrifying - awake at 5am kind of fear. We can manage just ... But I take on lots of extra work (and stress) to be seen as a safe pair of hands at work ...

Also, tbh, my DH has disappeared. I think in many ways a full time sahm/d can be the ideal but it's also dependent on personality. I would love to have my DH back full of stories and having done battle with feisty teenagers all day.

I think we all agree that in front of the ILs was dreadful.

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 19:52

But the OP has 4 kids under 9. She didn't say the youngest was 9, just that they're all school age (and youngest could be 4 and fit that definition).

If the smallest are still sleeping badly and she takes total responsibility for all child-related things, then her DH could get a shock when she returns to work and starts expecting him to do his share.

If they have the money and she is caring for the kids, then why not? We can't afford it, have to use childcare now as 2 years was the most we could stretch to, but it does make me a bit sad. It would be nice if we could afford one of us to be at home with DS. I wouldn't mind who. And 4 kids must be one hell of a lot of work - think of the mess they'd create (and the childcare costs).

Gemsy83 · 04/01/2011 20:06

Im on here because I have just finished four night shifts in a row. get me! With children who know who I am too- get me a medal!

pink4ever · 04/01/2011 20:15

northernkuchen-wouldnt dream of calling anyone on here a bitch-I will leave the nasty judgemental comments to you as you are clearly an expert(the comment re tax was me being sarcastic btw!)
Are you coming back on thread or are you too busy working(seem to be plenty of you wohm on mn so are you "slacking" of your job then?).
And not that its any of your beeswax but I *choose to be a sahm as have lost 6 babies,had to spend loads of time in hospital(both due to pregnancy and life threatening illness) so wasnt feasible for me to continue working and I want to spend as much time as possible with my dcs. But please feel free to continue to call me a slacker as it clearly makes you feel better. With love.

Litchick · 04/01/2011 20:15

christmas why on earth do you assume those who work are workoholics or doing sixty hours a week?

Surely it isn't one choice or the other? Either stay at home for the entirety of your DC's life at home. Or slog it out at sixty hours a week?

Many of us do somehting in the middle.

Ivette · 04/01/2011 20:17

i dont think yabu. He is. What u could do is get a weekend job,dont tell him what needs to be done and then ask him how was it ;D

Litchick · 04/01/2011 20:17

whoknew - I'm sorry you find the situation hard. I know I would too. I imagine many DH's feel the same.

christmaswishes · 04/01/2011 20:39

Litcheck you have obviously not read a lot of the other posters comments like I have from the start.

christmaswishes · 04/01/2011 20:43

Right gemsy I'm sending you a gold one. X

Greenkit · 04/01/2011 21:00

If they are all at school then you could go back to work, I driove myself dodally staying at home.

Its boring, HW and shopping do not fill a week. I think if you have kids at school (not those mums with preschool at home mind) its bloody easy being SAHM.

I work 37 hours a week, and have two kids 12 and 14, plus two dogs, hubby works shifts so one week he is there in the evening and one he isnt.

So sometimes like two single parents in the same house.

I do think it was a private convo though.

blindassasin · 04/01/2011 21:05

I'm pretty amazed at the number of women on here who genuinely beleive their partner couldn't cope with being a sahd to school age children.. So pick up, drop off, some ironing.. Do you think that little of your DHs capabilities??
My DSDs holier than thou SAHM cooked her chips in a deep fat frier for her dinner tonight because she was tired after taking the christmas tree down today AND fetching her child from school...

And for what it's worth pink4ever you sound vile.

pink4ever · 04/01/2011 21:10

blindassasin-coming from you I will take that as a complimentSmile

blindassasin · 04/01/2011 21:12

Also, several of my colleagues work 4 day weeks. They class the day they don't work as their 'day off' despite having children at school.
It is very much regarded as a treat day to spend time on themselves and chill out... so please can someone explain why someone with 5 such days a week should be stressed??

I can't remember which poster said that working looking after the children from school end until bedtime equates to a days work only at a different time of the day... but surely thats what everyone else does on a work day? My dp and I sit down togther at about 8pm once everythings done, having been at work all day..

CurrySpice · 04/01/2011 21:13

Christmas wishes - so how come as a SAHM you're not cooking / cleaning / ironing / self-flagellating right now then? Tsk - you kust can't get the SAHMs any more Wink

I work FT. That does not mean 60 hours a week becuase, just like you, I have family responsibilities, childcare responsibilities, housework responsibilities etc etc etc. Just like all working parents do. We are all parents doing our best, making our own choices and trying not to slag others off for theirs

Nobody here has said they work 60 hours a week - apart from the OP - A SAHM who reckons she works 168 hours a week Hmm

I work for myself and that means I can often juggle my work to suit the kids (eg I do 7 out of 10 school runs a week). So it is possible to be a good, working mother (even a single one!) without having to put your kids in the workhouse Hmm

You clearly have a big problem with mothers who work outside the home. Not sure why but shrugs...

narkypuffin · 04/01/2011 21:16

"Will her dh take on 50% of the childcare?
Will her dh take on 50% of the organization of the dc's, packed lunches, play dates, sports kits on certain days, arranging holiday clubs etc?"

OMFG. What the hell do you think working mothers do? Do you seriously think that packing lunches and reminding DCs to take in the right sports kit is a hard?

If you want to be a SAHM and your family is happy about that great, but if you've got school age children you're really spending most of your day doing nothing. Don't try to pretend that's work.

blindassasin · 04/01/2011 21:17

A big fat shrug from me too.

Original poster
kanchan · 04/01/2011 21:26

hmmmm....some of you are pretty nasty here!

It's a shame when women slag each other off just because someone else has made a choice that is not nececcarily one they would make.

I'm happy with my role and it saddens me to find out my husband isn't.... bringing it up infront of the ILs made everything worse. Clearly we have to talk.

I've stated clearly that there are no financial implications. He thinks I have so much spare time during the day that I should do some paid work when the reality is that I only have a couple of hours to myself....and yes, I do go to the gym and I've also started a writing course. BTW, I did 6 years at uni including 2 of postgraduate work so I'm not a lazy bimbo.

But one thing I know is that I have got my priorities right. At the moment my kids are the most important thing and my DH aswell, even though he's behaved like an idiot.

The problem lies in what's going through his mind........and I'm sure he's not the only man out there who thinks staying at home is the easy option. A lot of you seem to think it is too.

But I never intended this to be about staying at home or going out to work. Essentially it's about feeling appreciated and how sickening it is to find out that the person you share your life with thinks you should be doing something else other that what you choose to do.

OP posts:
blindassasin · 04/01/2011 21:33

I guess it must have come as a big shock if you realy had no idea.

Whatever my opinion, from one person to another, i'msorry you are going through this and I hope you find a solution.

Greenkit · 04/01/2011 21:34

Are you saying you spend all day doing HW, which leaves you with a few hours to yourself?

Is that daily or weekly, I wish I had a few hours to myself each week.

I start my day at 7am and finish at about 8pm by the time I have got the kids sorted ready for bed.

I have no time to go to the gym, do a writing course or any other such nice things.

startofnewterm · 04/01/2011 21:36

Kanchan, I am in a similar situation to yourself, the only difference being that my DH is very happy for me to be a SAHM.

I assume that you do all the housework, cooking, shopping, paperwork, presents, everything in fact. Which means that your DH has hardly any chores to do in the evening or at weekends. I wonder how he would feel taking on a proportion of the chores if you were to go to work.

And, some of the nasty comments on here, I wonder how many of them have 4 children and pay for childcare for 4. Its hardly financially viable for breakfast/after school clubs, summer holiday clubs for 4 children. And, illnesses x4.

Many couples are lucky to have a wonderful support network from families such as grandparents. My brother and his wife work full time but its the two sets of grandparents who are doing all the running around taking them to school and collecting them and giving them something to eat.

Its not as easy as many people make it out to be. Yes, running a home is a doddle, but unless you are earning a fortune that can cover reliable childcare for 4 then not really worth it.

Bechka · 04/01/2011 21:37

YANBU to be cross he brought it up in front of your parents.

YABU to not want to work. I have a one year old, a house to run, and a full time job. And do all the dropping off and picking up, plus extra work in the evenings as I need to leave the office at five sharp. I manage, as do millions of other women. Do you think anyone gives a shit? No. I just get on with it. Big laugh at you feeling 'unappreciated'.

startofnewterm · 04/01/2011 21:40

Bechka, what a horrid post. Of coure no-one gives a shit about anyone elses circumstances but OP is not looking for appreciation from anyone, just her DH. And I think everyone deserves to be appreciated by their partners for what they do.

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