to be pissed off that DH told me infront of inlaws to go back to work?

[kanchan]

Spent New Years with inlaws.....conversation turned to work and DH started going on about how I should get back to work now the kids are all at school. I stated the obvious.....kids are all under 9, who would take/pick up from school, what about when they're ill and also I don't want the stress of it all now. He suggested I could do some work from home seeing as I must have so much free time on my hands....anyone else feel so unappreciated?

I frankly don't care if someone is a SAHM or goes out to work. It's personal choice isn't it?

I do struggle that SAHM's think that the work they do (yes I know running a home takes time)takes all day/week though. How and when do they think it gets done by WOHM?

So it's ridiculous to state it's impossible. It's far more honest and I'd have far more respect if you just said I want to stay at home and care for the children. There is nothing wrong with that choice.

You do require financing in that choice though and thus you need a financer.......

So far from feeling he should appreciate you... maybe you should appreciate him?

Gosh curry do you not take the time to read other messages. I am not a SAHM which I have said before in previous posts so get your facts straight next time.

Gosh Christmas. You're Sarky!

I do grovellingly apologise for not keeping up

You are just so bolshy about how working mothers run their lives all the time, I made an incorrect assumption.

I must have been busy working 60 hours a week and fobbing my kids off in shoddy childcare when you mentioned it

I am not bothered wether mums work or stay at home, it is up to them but when some have suggested that SAHM are slacking if they don't work I think it is offensive and very rude. The op is a SAHM and I thought we would be commenting to help in a constructive way not to criticise her, therefore that point was to that mum and the ones that commented to the op in a self righteous way not to offer any constructive advice just to say oo look at me I do 1OO hours a week (figure of speech) I mean what has that got to do with this thread? I don't think op gives a crap or anyone else how many hours they work.
So know I am not bothered how working mothers run their lives or stay at home ones which is exactly what I am saying. Its nothing to do with me what they do and I respect either people, This thread shouldn't have turned into that as it wasn't what the op was asking. To bitch at people is just nasty!

Can understand where you are coming from. Luckily my Dh is happy (at the moment) for me to stay at home. Financially we are fine, and I feel sorry for those who have to work and then do all the child/school/house stuff - it must be tiring and stressful. My Dh gets his downtime after work and doesn't bust a gut at the weekends, I get mine during the day when the kids are at school and can go to the Gym, walking, tennis or whatever. Often I have to take up the slack of him working away for weeks at at a time when i'm like a single mum but without the money worries many have. We might have a little more money if I go out to work but our lives are nicer and easier as it is. I guess if I'm slacking then so is he as he doesn't have to do the stuff i do - and nor would he want to.

Oh Christmas! You have been the one making sarky comments at mothers working outside the home! (whether you are one or not!!)

And I think your comments have been pretty rude as well

But we do agree that it is none of our business how anyone runs their lives...until, that is, they post it on here asking us what we think! :o

To sum up the op :-

1. Op is SAHM and is financially able to do it and wants to, so even though some women think it is better to get a job outside the home she is happy to look after the children.

2. Husband was rude to say things to her infront of inlaws - most agreed.

3. Most important point is hubby feels for reason which op hasn't specified that he thinks she should go back to work - in my mind this is the only point that needs looking into. Until op talks to hubby we don't know his reasons for wanting this and this is the only point we can help op with. Why keep criticising ?

It was disloyal to say this in the circs.

Maybe he wanted to say this to you 1/1, but didn't have the guts/felt he needed backup? Maybe he's worried about money.

IMVHE, having a job outside the home is very rewarding and maybe he feels you have missed out?

I don't recall I was the one who made any comments that were rude! my comments were tongue in cheek at the rude posters. Maybe you should get yourself a glass of wine and watch a comedy.

Whilst people might post on here doesn't give women a right to be bitches . Maybe they need to read the mn rules! You can at least be respectful.

Oh and just to clarify the post heading was wanting people to comment about being pissed off at her husband for embarrassing her in front of ilaws not about the debate on working and stay at home mums.

Exactly Christmas!! - you've got it in a nutshell.

AS a SAHM I totally accept that the job I do is not particularly hard, especially now my DC are school age.

I am fortunate my circumstances have allowed me to make the choices I have and not once have I regretted my decision to give up a well paid career. Maybe in the future, when the DC I am currently pregnant with goes to school I will want to work and my choices will not be what they were if I had worked for the interveneing 10 years but I will never regret the 10 years I have had with my DC.

If there are genuinely people out there who think I am a lazy slacker then I kind of pity their narrow mindedness. I genuinely have little interest in whether someone else chooses to work or not and I am constantly amazed at the vitriol heaped on me anonymously for choosing not to work.

I also don't recognise in anyway to these woman whose hubands don't appreciate the role they perform (my DH would rather work anywhere than stay at home all day with the DC - he loves them but it is so not his "thing") or these woman who have to "ask" for cash. All our income is family income. I cannot believe that is so unusual.

Nor can I relate to this idea that your children become your life - what exactly does having a job add to in terms of interest. I'd rather chew my own fingers off then alisten to most people bang on about their dull jobs. Exception granetd of you are an astronaut or brain surgeon. Surely the things that make you interesting are your thoughts and ideas, your opininions, teh books you read, the hobbies you have the places you visit. Frankly I couldn't give a fuck if Janet from marketing ias shagging keith in accounts and if you seriously think the fact that you know that makes you more interesting then perhaps it is you that needs to get out more

Agree with some of that last post, but not with the shockingly narrow view of what work life involves. Having a job does not mean you come home and talk about Janet shagging who ever in accounts. Very sad, stereotypical view, that's as bad as thinking anyone without a job is brain dead .

For many of us, work gives us an intellectual buzz , getting to learn more, meet new ideas and new people, travel etc. Plus of course the fringe benefits of social life. That doesn't make work THE most important thing inter world. It's one aspect of life. But given that its a necessary and fairly major aspect of life, its not a bad idea to make yourself employable in an interesting job.

And by that token you can also get to learn more, meet new ideas and new people, travel etc. Or am I wrong. I was kind of assuming that being a SAHM didn't mean you actuallu had to stay at home the whole time.
Surely all these generalisations are complete rubbish and every single persons like experiences are different.

*as a stay at home mum - sorry about that I hate this keyboard it keeps making my curser vanish and often reappears somewhere else with no known logic.

No of course not- people have social lives and interests outside work too! As I said, work is ONE aspect of a rich and varied life. I have friends in AND out of work, and interests connected to and unconnected to work. I just object to the narrow idea above that work = dullness. If that's someone's experience, it says more about the jobs they trained to do and their expectations of life than Anything else. And I would seriously worry if I thought I was passing on the message to my kids that going to work is a dull, negative experience to try to avoid!!

Whilst he should not have raised the issue in front of others, I do agree with him. If all 4 are in school there is no reason not to work. Many schools have school clubs if you cant find work within school hours or you could fit hours around your husband.

I imagine its hard being the sole bread winner whilst the other person doesnt work and is not home for the bulk of the day with young children. It doesnt take 6 hours a day to run a house, how do you think full time working parents manage?

You've been very lucky not to have to work for so many years so maybe he thinks its time you helped with the finances (you may not need them but it is unfair that one person does all the earning whilst the other goes to the sym etc).

Violethill, I suspect that was actually someone responding (angrily) to the comment further up thread that sahm are dull.
I probably am dull but I don't think I would be much more interesting in work, probably worse as the kind of jobs I have are rubbish but the things do 'at home' are slightly more interesting.

I agree with Nancy Drew and bronze.

Voluntary work helps you get the best things about working without the crap (assuming there's no immediate pressure to be earning). Plus it's flexible, you are learning new skills, and people thank you a lot for your contribution. That said - I feel it's time for me to earn some money now

I find it strange, this idea that a SAHM should feel grateful to her DH for giving her the opportunity to be at home with the DC while he takes on all the stress of being the sole earner.

They are his DC too, not just hers and lots of dads prefer that their children are looked after by the mother rather than paid childcare. I know that my DH feels less stressed when he has to go away for work or do long hours, because he knows the children are here with me, not with a CM.

His life runs more smoothly because I am here and my being at home has enabled him to focus on his career and increase his earning potential. I don't think our lives would be better if we both worked (in lower level jobs) to bring in the income we have now. My DH likes his career.

So, while I appreciate how hard he works to provide for us, he also appreciates that what I do helps him to achieve that. I don't think one of us needs to be more appreciative than the other, because we are both doing what we want.

I think the OPs husband should appreciate her contribution to their shared life and acknowledge that in caring for their children, her career options have been reduced.

I would be quite worried if my DH thought I should get some menial job during school hours, because he couldn't stand the thought of me having some time to myself during the day. If the OPs DH wants her to work then he needs to understand that his days of getting home to a house where he doesn't need to do very much in the way of childcare/housework/cooking are over!

If he's going to happily give her the time to retrain and find a proper career, then support her by doing 50% of the house/child care then fair enough. If not then I consider him to be in no position to be making demands.

karmabeliever, DH and I have same set-up and feelings as you do.

I will start working part time for CAB soon, and also go into school to help reading with Y1s, organise things for PTA.

It is not as if being a SAHM means you...SAH.

the term is misleading

I wouldn't want to be out working all day whilst my partner stayed at home once kids at school. I would feel this was unfair.

But what if that arrangement meant that you never had to

• do the housework/ laundry etc
• go to the supermarket
• walk the dog
• deal with car/ house/ white good malfunctions
• deal with builders
• do your tax return
• sort out the finances
• take time off work to look after sick kids/ worry about leaving on time to do pick ups

etc etc

I'd probably think that was quite a good deal.

But what if your partner had given up a career that they couldn't get back? What if them being at home made your life easier and meant that you didn't have to come home from work and cook dinner/do housework? What if meant you could focus on a career you love and not worry about school holidays/children off school sick/being home in time to pick up from childcare?

It's not cut and dried, and people organise their lives differently, but for lots of families the WOHP benefits from the arrangement too.

I think that if you gain financially or otherwise from work, then great. For some people though, the benefits to one person being at home outweigh the benefits to both partners WOH. These benefits are not just for the SAHP, but for the whole family.

I want to be a SAHM, but my DH likes it too. It has had a cost for me professionally and that may well be permanent, so it's upsetting that people think I've done it to be lazy. We all make the choices that we think are best for our families. If I was to go out to work again, that would have repercussions for my DHs career. It's swings and roundabouts really, which is why people should be less scathing about others choices.

I agree totally with what you have said karma. Too many assumptions made about the working parent being taken advantage of by the SAHP.

'I wouldn't want to be out working all day whilst my partner stayed at home once kids at school'.

I wouldn't mind if
a) we had enough money

b) he didn't wince and list every tiny thing he has done (when people do this it winds me up)

c)i had a high pressure job and my dh stayed home meant i will never be called by the school to collect an ill child, i will never have to refuse work related travel because of childcare problem, most of homework, activities, shopping is done by the partner etc. I think the one who goes to work has also an easier time if his/her partner is at home (at least this is what dh said when i was a SAHM).

Personally i went to work once dcs were at school but i don't think OP is so unreasonable because a)they don't need the money, b) they have 4 dcs, that means 4 sets of homework/activities and illnessesX4. If she goes to work they will need v.good and pricey childcare and he will need to do more, is he prepared for that?.

But in the end of the day OP had 4 pregnancies, 4 births, 4 newborns and preschoolers and now they are at school she can have a cuppuccino and read a book. So what? If they can afford it it doesn't wind me up.