my kids havent had lots of expensive presents

[ladysybil]

coz afaik, we cant afford them. (but my situation with dh and finances is another twenty threads and i dont want to get into it on this one). two of them go to private schools which we pay for, as they recive no bursaries. we live in a lovely big house, and have lots to eat and lots of clothes to wear etc.

they got things like a book. slippers. mask painting kit. etc. one thing each from us, and one thing each from their aunts and ds got us all some stuff from the pound shop as well. lovely presents and lovely christmas imo.

people i know in rl have spent a fortune on their kids for christmas. one lady i know has got her boys an ipad each. they already had laptops. most boys in ds's class have iphones or blackberries, plus all the assorted game things wii etc. ds has neither a phone ( he lost it, twice) nor a laptop (which he actually needs for schoolwork)

are my kids deprived? they think so

Of course they're not, but it might do them good to think so.

They don't sound like it but only you can decide based on what you can afford and what you think they need or appreciate.

thank you riven. thats exactly what i say to them. i pointed out to them thta we have had the heating on full blast for the last month, without worrying aout the bills, but they dont think of stuff like that. :(
I wont get ds a new phone, even though i think he needs one, because he has had two cheap ones in the lasst three years, and managed to lose both within a month

lukewarm, why would it do them good to think they are deprived? coz i dont think they are.

No I don't think that they are deprived.

I think they want whatever 'in' gadget is around, without really knowing half the time what it is, what it does or what it is for.

My dsd's mother is like this - she got her other two children an iPod each at the ages of 4 and 6 (I doubt that they downloaded their own tunes, or had opportunity to listen to their music 'on the go' in fact they had no interest in music at all afaik) and netbooks / laptops the year after. Bonkers. She is deeply in debt and being investigated for fraud I believe.

We love technology and can afford to buy it, however I will not be giving in and getting the Latest Thing for my dd. I think that getting such expensive stuff so young does mean that they ask for bigger and bigger stuff and do get 'entitled.' Children should be bought toys. Teens and preteens are different but it is still not appropriate to shell out so much cash on something they don't understand and can't use without assistance from you. How many of these kids can do basic maintenance and virus scanning on their laptops? Not many I bet.

Dd will probably hate me

Good for you for not giving in!

2 of them go to private school? Which two? Why not all of them?

The two that are your husband's children by any chance? Hope I'm wrong.

It's up to you both what you get your kids, of course, but private school, big house, lots of clothes etc etc does not add up to poor, imo, so maybe they don't understand that although you have picked 2 of them to be privatly educated, you all live in a big house and have a seemingly good life, that you don't actually have any money.

Are they old enough for you to explain this to them?

What Hec said.

Why on earth would you expect kids to think about the heating?

What a lovely balanced Mum and Dad you sound! Life is all about wanting what you have, not having what you want.Excellent grounding for when they fly the nest and have to survive in the big wide world. Although it's tempting to give those you love all you can throw at them (and I'm not saying it's wrong to do so) life after Bank of Mum and Dad, can be a harsh lesson to learn. I know how much I appreciate things because I have to save for them. They're teens, and me, like us all at one stage or another, we wanted things to keep up with the crowd. It won't scar them. When they have kids in 20 years time, I promise, It's the love, traditions and the laughter they will remember and treasure from 2010.
Have a peaceful holiday xxx

nemo, thats awful. why would your sil do that? either to herself, or her kids?

ds is 13. and uses the trains by himself. I would like him to have a phone, but what is the point of getting him one when he cant take car of it?
I am holding my ground, but its hard. they take care of none of their stuff, so i feel they shouldnt have any more. but i also feel that they areprobably the only ones in theire yaear without a lot of the things that make modern life.

thank you all.

hec, the older two go to private school. the younngest doesnt, mainly becasue she is doing very well at her state primary, whilst dc2 wasnt, and ds1 is in secondary, it was the only feasible option.

I think i want them to think about the heating coz i was yelling at them about heating and people having to live in cold houses when they were moaning at me and, well, it wasnt really one of my proudest moments.

thing about bank of mom and dad, is that i'm not totally against the idea. when they go off to university, and we fully expect them all to, i amassuming that we will help them out financially, as i would rather they ate properly and studied, than spent all their time working to pay the nine grand tuition fees etc.

Of course they are not deprived but nor do I think you can expect to have a conversation with children on Christmas Day about having the heating switched on for a month and for them to really understand/appreciate it.

Hmmmmm. Going against the tide here. I think if private school fees stretch you so far that all you can afford to give them for Christmas is a book and a pair of slippers, you're living too close to the edge.

I don't think there is a child in the land who would no feel a bit deprived at getting a book and a pair of slipperrs for Christmas. Particularly children at private school, where there are likely to be a lot of children who have loads of stuff.

they are not deprived at all and it does no harm for children to think of what their parents already provide for them in terms of education, holidays, very comfortable home etc.

BTW ladysibil, carphone warehouse have phones for as little as 99p. your son could do some jobs and earn the money himself to buy one.

wen i say jobs i mean jobs at home on top of his chores.

book. slippers. mask painting kit - tbh that does sound a bit shit for older kids. can you actually afford the schooling?

I don't think they are deprived either. It doesn't do children any harm to realise that their parents are not a bottomless supply of money; nor does it do them any harm to realise that household bills actually matter in general finance terms! Although, if you are concerned over the heating bills, it would have been more reasonable of you to explain that to them at the start of winter or whenever they put the heating back on/thermostat up, rather than throwing it at them as a reason for them not having lots of expensive presents.

I went to private school (secondary) and it was a struggle for my parents to afford it - so I had to miss out on some other things, including expensive presents. They made sure I realised this and appreciated the reasons, but without making me feel like a financial burden at the time - didn't do me any harm and taught me a bit of financial respect.

BTW, I think if your DS needs a phone, he should be made to pay for it himself out of his pocket money, assuming he gets any. He might take a bit more care of it that way - and if he doesn't, then he'll have lost his money (even though it was yours to start with).

give them coal next year that'll learn them good

Both our boys got given a £20 note by dh's bestfriend, a few days before christmas. Ds1(nearly 7) is wild with excitement at being told he has free reign to spend this money how he chooses. Has been totally entertaining to hear how his brain works :"..... I could .... or better still, I could ......".
Some pleasures in life are cheap. comparitively.

i used to dread going back to school and having to talk about presents cos mine were always shit. it didn't teach me much except to make sure dd doesn't go through the same

I agree with you, seeker. I think it's hard to put children in with a bunch of kids who have a lot more money, and expect them to be happy about it.

It's different for us as adults; if our friends have a lot more than we do, then we can justify it to ourselves - they work harder, they had an inheritance, it's all on credit etc. It's hard to be the only child in the class without something.

You said 'afaik we can't afford them' - do you think your husband has money that he isn't admitting to? Does he keep you all poor? Heating is so expensive but maybe he doesn't mind paying for that as it's keeping him warm, too?

Children want to be like their friends, in the end. You have given them friends whose income seems to exceed your own, and now you are expecting them to be happy with very little.