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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my kids havent had lots of expensive presents

280 replies

ladysybil · 26/12/2010 14:25

coz afaik, we cant afford them. (but my situation with dh and finances is another twenty threads and i dont want to get into it on this one). two of them go to private schools which we pay for, as they recive no bursaries. we live in a lovely big house, and have lots to eat and lots of clothes to wear etc.

they got things like a book. slippers. mask painting kit. etc. one thing each from us, and one thing each from their aunts and ds got us all some stuff from the pound shop as well. lovely presents and lovely christmas imo.

people i know in rl have spent a fortune on their kids for christmas. one lady i know has got her boys an ipad each. they already had laptops. most boys in ds's class have iphones or blackberries, plus all the assorted game things wii etc. ds has neither a phone ( he lost it, twice) nor a laptop (which he actually needs for schoolwork)

are my kids deprived? they think so

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 26/12/2010 15:57

Who can sod off?

TheFeministParent · 26/12/2010 15:58

How stretched you are is none of their business, it's yours. And whilst I think Private education is important, not vital, I agree that if all you can afford is tiny shitty presents then you clearly can't afford their education. Christmas should be amazing with thoughtful stuff that they really want, not need, a pair of slippers at thirteen for privately educated dcs is obscene.

veritythebrave · 26/12/2010 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyTaleOfNewYork · 26/12/2010 15:59

They don't sound deprieved. My girls got a lot ubut not expensive gifts. Apart fom dd2 who got a bike as she has outgrown the retro 70's one she inherited from dd1.

Dd1 got gym stuff for her gymnastic club. Dd3 got crafty stuff.

All got clothes inc pj's

veritythebrave · 26/12/2010 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 26/12/2010 16:01

If you're buying your daughter lots more 'stuff' to help her fit in no wonder the boys get narked !

TheFeministParent · 26/12/2010 16:02

Your priorities sound bizarre.

Grounded is a term I reserve for people with buckets of cash, not parents who can just about afford educate half the family and heat a house.

SantasMadMissy · 26/12/2010 16:02

FMP

"tiny shitty presents"

to you maybe?!

mamatomany · 26/12/2010 16:04

Well the way I see it is my girls love their wonderful school, they know how much it costs me and I tell them if ever we get a bit jealous of the other children that they can have loads of holidays, ipads etc anytime they like but they have to leave their school. That shuts them up I find.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 26/12/2010 16:08

at "Grounded is a term I reserve for people with buckets of cash" - there's no reasoning with that concept!

togarama · 26/12/2010 16:08

Agree with Thumb. Sometimes parents put a child into a private school because of what that particular school can offer that individual child (e.g. support for dyslexia, deafness or other SEN) rather than because its better in general. Most parents make these kind of decisions based on their childrens' best interests rather than a single issue of principle.

I went to a private secondary school and my three siblings went to a local state school. Both were good schools in their own way.

There's good reasons why it turned out this way and none of my siblings have ever mentioned feeling hard done by. We've all achieved the same academically and the three eldest of us are all established in careers well suited to us.

RumourOfAHurricane · 26/12/2010 16:10

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Message withdrawn

TheFeministParent · 26/12/2010 16:14

Thumb....Why do you need to 'ground' a child who seemingly has less than all of their peers?
What grounding is there to be done?

And the OP's children were gutted, so to them the presents seemed rather inadequate.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 26/12/2010 16:15

but the OP has stated that her DS is very pleased with the slippers he got, that he wanted! So how is that a "tiny shitty present" that is not particularly thoughtful or will embarrass him at school?

She hasn't said what the other DC's reactions were to their presents but perhaps she, as their mother, had actually asked them what they wanted and got it accordingly?

MarianneM · 26/12/2010 16:21

OP - YANBU!

TheFeministParent, you are being utterly stupid! The children will benefit FAR more from going to a private school than getting presents of pointless gadgetry that will be outdated within a year or some plastic pap. I really struggle to understand why it is of such importance that children are given EVERYTHING they want for Christmas. And to do this so they can compete with their friends - idiotic!

OP, you are definitely doing the right thing by spending your money on their education and living in a nice house rather than squandering it on pointless stuff!

Why shouldn't she remind her children that heating costs money? Should children grow up completely unaware of what it costs to live?

And since when were books "shitty presents"? I have always loved receiving books as presents and only wish I got them more often. Don't your children read? I guess they are too busy playing with their xboxes or whatever. No wonder there are so many completely ignorant kids (and parents!) around these days who have NO interests whatsoever.

MarianneM · 26/12/2010 16:24

P.S. Are materialism and greed feminist values?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/12/2010 16:26

the feminist children your post implies OP's DD isn't being educated. all her children are being educated based on their own individual needs. surely that is the best way to approach something as inportant as education rather than a one size fits all approach that doesn't meet all of their needs.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/12/2010 16:27

and how rude to call a person's present choice for their dc's 'shitty'.

swanandduck · 26/12/2010 16:28

Marianne

No one has said the the children should get EVERYTHING they want for Christmas. Just that it should be a bit special and that they don't feel that they 'don't fit in' which is different from being competitive.
There's no problem with reminding children that heating costs money, but no as an accompaniment to disappointing presents.
As some of us have said, there's a happy medium. They should not be treated like spoilt brats, but neither should they be treated as if they are living in a Louisa May Alcott novel or a Just William story.

TheFeministParent · 26/12/2010 16:29

Yes Marianne, if one has Feminist views she really must be a perfect human being and weave lentils all day long.

My dcs didn't get everything they want, far from it. But they did get what I thought appropriate and balanced. They didn't ask for a lot either, but as their mother it is my duty to cloth, shelter, feed and nurture. I wouldn't dream of giving them a bit of clothing for Christmas when they're still children. Books are fabulous, and you can fuck off with your wild ideas that you know anything about my children and their values, but not as one of only a handful of presents.

Since when has a laptop been a gadget that will be outdated in a year?

Quattrocento · 26/12/2010 16:32

I dunno. I do think that a book and slippers would make any child in the UK feel a bit deprived for christmas. I agree with you that it shouldn't be like that, but the fact is, that it is.

It's kind of worse because two of your children do attend independent schools. Their peers will have a significantly larger spend than the average. Just because only wealthier parents can afford independent schools. So that might make it feel worse.

A bit of 'deprivation' will do them no harm, but worth while empathising about where they're coming from ...

MumNWLondon · 26/12/2010 16:42

i didn't spend much money on presents- roughly £35 per child i bought a few smaller things and one slightly bigger thing eg, ds1 wanted for example mario game with wheel for wii. i don't need to spend huge amounts BUT at the same time, pretty rubbish for the kids to not get anything they can tell their friends about.

my kids are younger (4,7 and baby) but i can see that slightly older kids would not be impressed with book, painting kits, slippers, etc

if you can pay 2 lots of school fees etc then if you can't afford to buy more than painting kits, slippers and book for xmas then maybe you have stretched yourselves too far. might have been better to have turned heating down and been more frugal with food and bought them one nice (eg £25) present each.

mamatomany · 26/12/2010 16:46

I wrapped up DD's school shoes to padded out her pile of gifts, she was delighted and wore them all day. But I do hope they aren't the first thing that springs to mind when people ask her what she got as there were a lot of toys too.

coccyx · 26/12/2010 16:48

Don't have to spend much , but a little more thought maybe????? Why don't you get son a laptop if he really needs one for school work.

oldandgreynow · 26/12/2010 16:56

i find it hard to believe that if you are shelling out so much on 2 sets of school fees which must come to what £6k a term you couldn't put aside a couple of hundred to buy the kids a couple of things they might get somepleasure from .Your first sentence
makes it sound asthough you are playing some sort of game with your DH in which your children have become pawns.
I hope I'm wrong.
(felt very moved at your DS spending his own money at teh pound shop to try and improve things a bit.Bless him)
I think YABU