my kids havent had lots of expensive presents

[ladysybil]

coz afaik, we cant afford them. (but my situation with dh and finances is another twenty threads and i dont want to get into it on this one). two of them go to private schools which we pay for, as they recive no bursaries. we live in a lovely big house, and have lots to eat and lots of clothes to wear etc.

they got things like a book. slippers. mask painting kit. etc. one thing each from us, and one thing each from their aunts and ds got us all some stuff from the pound shop as well. lovely presents and lovely christmas imo.

people i know in rl have spent a fortune on their kids for christmas. one lady i know has got her boys an ipad each. they already had laptops. most boys in ds's class have iphones or blackberries, plus all the assorted game things wii etc. ds has neither a phone ( he lost it, twice) nor a laptop (which he actually needs for schoolwork)

are my kids deprived? they think so

I think that's plain mean. I really do. They will remember the Christmas they got a pair of slippers and a book (two items, one from each parent!) but not for good reasons. We don't have much money, but I have tried so hard to recreate the excitement of having Father Christmas bring a stocking this year (stuffed with pound shop presents) and bought a couple of 'wow' presents each which didn't cost too much, but in terms of excitement, were spot on.

I don't see this as materialism vs old-fashioned values like education. I can't really see how those stack up as opposites in this situation, unless you are on the breadline, in which case the private eduation should stop.

MarianneM It's true that "silly gadgets" don't hold the key to Christmas magic but slippers and some face paint? Really?
I'm sure with a little imagination even the most cash strapped parent could come up with something a little less embarassing for the kids to tell their friends about.

My DC haven't had 'lots of expensive presents' but they had some lovely things that I knew they wanted.

Also, I am one of 4, and 3 of us went to private school but the eldest one didn't (long story but nothing to do with money).

However we were never treated differently when it came to Christmas/birthdays, or any other time for that matter. Schooling should not come in it.

Children compare themselves to their peers. So if their peers are receiving fantastic presents, yoru children will feel hard done by.

It's all relative.

I agree Lochness. There were times we were a bit strapped but we bought second hand stuff and painted it up and suchlike. We didnt just leave the kids with two dull presents and a shattered Christmas experience. It's about creating nice memories for them to have when life might get a bit shit in the future. To me that's 'grounded'. Not, the heatings been on full blast for the last two months so we've knocked that amount off your pressies.

No one's saying the op's kids should have had ipads or jet-packs, fgs.

As Onetoomany says, you can give them a memorable Christmas without going over the top. But going all minimal just to make the point that they're actually very lucky is just mean.

And surely, if there's money left over after paying for the education, excessive heating and treats for the parents, it should be shared between everyone?

If there's no guilt about DD's education, and no wish to make the boys feel beholden, why 'compensate' the one for what the others allegedly have to have?

The whole thing sounds warped to me.

YABVU.

If you choose to send your kids to a private school, then you also have a responsibility to ensure they don't feel like the poorest children in the school.

There is a middle ground between an Ipad and slippers/ books ffs. You think it was a lovely Christmas, I doubt that they will look back and remember it as such.

Read this to 5 of my 6 dc's and they are outraged! And this is the general response. What is the meaning of Christmas? Sorry have we missed something? You spent what you could afford, you educate your children as you think appropriate, so what are you doing wrong? oh we get it, not worshiping the consumer driven society of today, what a refreshing change, each family is entitled to do things their own way. Kids shouldn't be encouraged to be so materialistic, or have a sense of entitlement (for gifts).Happy Christmas from the Biscuit family. Having read most of posts I will now put on my flame retardent pants!

I think if you read some of her other posts, whoatethelastbiscuit, you'll see that the OP does have a lot more money than she lets on to in this thread.

Ditto, altinkum - she's talking about spending well over £600 for a laptop for herself - I've bought my children laptops for £320 and they were absolutely fine. She could have bought herself a cheaper one and spent the difference on her children.

Trying to make a 'point' to your children is always unpleasant. I got the 'point' of not having the same 'trendy' clothing as others as a child ('don't be concerned with external appearance'), I also got the 'point' of not having certain toys ('don't be gender-stereotyped'), I also got the 'point' of going to the local school and sticking out like a sore thumb ('get down with the locals'). But why bother? Children don't grow up eternally grateful for heating, or even for a great education, but they do have long memories, and unfortunately the 'slippers and a book' Christmas will live in the future. Tis the way it is.

oh come on you poo faced lot, a fecking book and slippers.

whoateallthebiscuits- Not sure the meaning of Christmas involves making your kids feel shit just to prove a point.
And as has aleady been said, if you read some of the OP's previous posts you would see that your anti-consumerism angle is irrelevant.

Blimey MN is a funny place. Given we normally play the competitively frugal/poor/sensible game on here I can only assume the responses attacking the OP's sensible approach to presents and reality is just the fun of being deliberately contrary on AIBU. And I day that as a privately educated person who always got cool presents. I don't remember any of these present conversations at school,and I see nothing wrong with different schools for different kids provided it is for the right reasons and the situation is reviewed regularly.

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere
I came from a family where the children knew all about my parents' money troubles. It made me a permanently anxious throughout my childhood.

Me to - though my parents were not living the high life and were loving but I was left anxious and made to feel guilty for needing basic items - like shoes, school clothes ect.

I do not understand OP when your DD is having money lavished on her to make up for the boys having private education. Surely this money is better saved - so if her schooling requirements change maybe when she hits secondary the money is there for private education /private tutors ect or for if/when she leaves home a pot of money would be useful for UNI/Setting up house ect. I would have thought it would create less resentment in the family as well.

My DC are a lot younger and do have modest presents compared to many round here and I do worry about that. Having said that maybe you need to look at the balance for next Christmas.

NinkyNonker
I don't remember any of these present conversations at school

Neither do I but I was never asked to write about what Santa had brought me - as DD1 has been told to do. This is particularly annoying as we do not 'do' Santa in this house.

NinkyNonker- Sorry but as a "...person who always got cool presents" you're not really in a position to speak about the OP's kids, who by the OP's own admission didn't.

I have to say that while morally you are right I really think you are doing the wrong thing. Up to a certain age children just want to fit in - and things like birthday presents and Christmas presents are part of this. They are huge events in the eyes of children. It's not character building not to fit in, just really upsetting and can lead to resentment and insecurities as an adult. I went to both a private school and state school and didn't really notice a difference in what children 'get' so that wouldn't be my primary concern. You really don't have to go overboard but just keep an eye on what seems to be the consensus among your children's friends or even have an ask around.

My mother doesn't believe in inherited wealth (and I wouldn't care only she's far wealthier than I am)...and she paid for my private schooling for the age of 5 saying it was the best gift she could give. We (there's 5 of us) still got the usual crap for Christmas, but it's only been this year that's she's stopped paying school fees of 23k a year (my brother and his twin just left in July). Your little ones won't understand the whole "private school" thing until they're older, and they'll appreciate it then I assure you. Until then, remind them that heating a home, and dressing their backs isn't cheap, but it's far more important than pissing about on ipads, which if we're honest, will date within 5 months! You sound like you're being level headed to me, but don't spoil them too much-they'll be in a classroom of brats like that already! YANBU!

I just read the rest of the posts. I am prepared to be beaten. Come on if you think you're hard enough (can't bear to miss the H from hard I'm afraid!)

Ninynonker

No, you don't remember those conversations, because you were one of the kids who got cool presents. I bet some of your classmates do remember them, though.

Agreed swan!

ds1 got a little buddha statue thing that smokes scented smoke thing from me, that he literally begged me to get. it was from a craft fair and he dragged me back to get it. He was really really pleased. the lady wanted £12 for it but i only had £10.06 in my purse, and she let him have it, so much was it obvious that he wanted it. his aunt gave him an envelope with a tenner in it (from eid, which she hadnt had a chance to give last month) a simpsons calender, and a jumper. plus chocolates
ds2 got the slippers from his aunt, a footie calender, and envelope with a tenner in it. he wanted cash from me, so i have to got get a twenty from the cashpoint which i still havent done so. the book was ripleys belive it or not for both of them and its a huge hit
dd got a moxie doll, worth twenty pounds , which is exactly what she asked for, plus the other crafty stuff from aunt, plus the envelope with a tenner and chocolates etc.

the kids are all happy with it. the present that was the biggest hit is the one ds1 gave ds2 which he bought from the pound shop. I havent listed the stuff he got everyone. I just wanted to check what mumsnet thought about it all, as i felt really bad when i heard about the ipads each for the other boys.

as for the finances and being that stretched, please recall what i said in my original post about them being another twenty or so threads. I have been posting on here since 2004, partly about the finances, partly about relationship with dh. I dont want to go into that on this thread too. but simply put, the boys are in private school coz they need to be whereas dc3 is coping well in the state school

Could you have put your son's money in a card ready for Christmas day? I would gave felt very badly done to but maybe that shows my childhood to be privileged and me to have been a spoilt brat.