my kids havent had lots of expensive presents

[ladysybil]

coz afaik, we cant afford them. (but my situation with dh and finances is another twenty threads and i dont want to get into it on this one). two of them go to private schools which we pay for, as they recive no bursaries. we live in a lovely big house, and have lots to eat and lots of clothes to wear etc.

they got things like a book. slippers. mask painting kit. etc. one thing each from us, and one thing each from their aunts and ds got us all some stuff from the pound shop as well. lovely presents and lovely christmas imo.

people i know in rl have spent a fortune on their kids for christmas. one lady i know has got her boys an ipad each. they already had laptops. most boys in ds's class have iphones or blackberries, plus all the assorted game things wii etc. ds has neither a phone ( he lost it, twice) nor a laptop (which he actually needs for schoolwork)

are my kids deprived? they think so

Two things spring to mind :

1. what does the whole bit about your DH and finances being complicated/lots of other threads mean -DH overspends on himself?/gambles?/controls finances?(mean nasty controlling not normal budgeting)

1. Putting 2 DS into private school is possibly overstretching to the point you have very little cash cushion

Re The second point I am aware that lots of others are in this situation and have been there myself- awful situation just waiting for the car to breakdown/fridge to go or some other financial demand that cannot be met.
Have budgeted very carefully for my DC presents-both got Kindles -they were chuffed to bits plus some clothes, smellies and stuff I had picked up over the year .

Not sure why cash cushion was in bold ??

Should perhaps clarify second point: I meant been in situation of having little extra/spare cash not in situation of sending DC to private school iyswim ?

There is a fine line when teaching children about the cost of things.

It is important for them to me taught that things cost and they cannot always have what they want etc.
But its equally important not to overburden them with worries about heating bills and the cost of food etc.

I came from a family where the children knew all about my parents' money troubles. It made me a permently anxious throughout my childhood. To the point of having terrible headaches etc. Looking back our troubles were down to mum and dad pissing the money on anything they fancied.

You dont want your children to feel guilty for having a private education but they do need to know that money doesnt grow on trees.

I dont think they sound deprived but I dont think anyone should use Christmas as a way of making some sort of point either.

I have a young girl staying with me who got feck all for Christmas. If I hadnt have got her stuff she wouldnt have had anything. I hardly know the poor girl. That is deprived, no child with a caring family and a decent roof over their heads, clothes and shoes, is deprived.

To suggest so is ridiculous.

I've just managed to lose a long post (probably just as well), but the gist was that Little House on the Prairie Christmasses don't cut it these days and it's unreasonable to expect kids to be grateful for the warmth, clothing and education you choose to give them.

I've been ashamed in the past of rubbish presents - doesn't mean I expected top-end stuff, but it would have been nice to at least join in the conversations about Christmas once back at school.

having brought up 3ds and have an 8yr old dd and one dd due in 5 wks,i look back and remember xmas,s when we could spoil them and some when we couldnt afford much at all.They were always ok and gratefull for what they got. Surely thats what to aim for,to be able to accept what is available or reasonable at the time.This prepares them to face life,as we all go thru ups and downs and need to be equipt to adapt to both.

So the boys get private education and very little else but your daughter is state educated and had lots of nice things for xmas. If the state school is good enough for your daughter why cant the boys attend too and therefore all can be treated the same with regards to gifts as money wont be so tight. If the school was so poor you pulled the boys out, then why leave your daughter there?

Did anyone ever read 'Family Album' by Penelope Lively? It's about a mother who had this 'ideal' view of family life and made sure to have the old, cluttered family house and the 'make do' stuff and the happy, clappy celebrations and was basically looking at herself as if she was in a play and seeing this earth mother, magical childhood she was giving her kids. The novel showed their childhood from each of the (now adult) siblings point of view, and it was a very, very different story.
Not saying the OP is like that, but sometimes a bit of tack and modern day stuff is essential for a child's well being. It can't all be 'old fashioned values', they need to fit in with their peers, even if it isn't pretty Christmas card stuff.

Modest gifts are fine, and it's important to spend only what you can afford, but I am unsurprised that they are disappointed. I think that you have maybe been a bit tight. Sorry.

There is a middle ground between slippers and an i-pad.

Can't believe your earlier replies on this thread (too pissed off with those to bother to read the later ones). Cannot believe that people are suggesting that sending children privately and not bomarding them with over-hyped technology is negligent in some way. Er, what is going to hold them in better stead in 20 years, a good education, or a shed load of electronic tat.

I should also add to my post that I am not one of these people who think children should not get pleasure from Christmas (one parent at school proudly boasted that her children do not need anymore toys and when I asked her son what he was looking for, he cited' new pyjamas' .

Ours have had pleasure from a whole load of plastic tat - I think it is just the whole ipod/iphone thing that really pisses me off at the moment. A whole bunch of people pissing their money away, in a recession, on good marketing.

Agree with Happymumofone - I don't understand why you give more to your dd just because she goes to a state school? Or do your boys really prefer to go to private school and go without other things?

"are my kids deprived? they think so"

Well if they think so they probably were. It's all relative and relative to their mates they feel deprived. If you think that's the right thing to do, stick to your guns. If you don't, do it differently next year.

Of course kids are often given more than just a few nice specially chosen toys these days - they often are spoilt with lots of non essential IT equipment. What are we teaching these children in the long run? They will have a huge sence of financial entitlement and no concept of working for expensive items. Also there is the question about how healthy all this screen time is - research links high daily usage to high blood pressure, inactivity, psychological problems, obesity etc. Don't we all as parents want the best for our children both all year round and at xmas? We have plenty of festive spirit and magic here at xmas with out ipods etc. After all xmas isn't really about what you get - it isn't about commercialism. I hope that our children will be more balanced/rounded as a result of our values.

If your children think they are deprived it is your job to point out to them how lucky they are.

Your children are obviously not deprived in the real sense of the word but I don't understand why you would spend more on your DD because she is currently being state educated. Surely as a parent you want each child to have the best education, whether it is in the state or the independent sector. If you have done that then you should not feel that you need to spend the same; girls schools are often cheaper than boys or mixed schools but I don't think many people would say, 'Darling, your fees are 3K less than your brother, so here's the difference, why don't you spend it on pink tat and clothes'.

I think your gifts sound somewhat on the austere side but obviously you know what you can afford and what your priorities are. Hope you are not doing this so other relatives feel bad and make up your shortfall so to speak,

I think loopylou had it .

Do you have a car ?
They generally cost £000s/year.
Why is the heating in your very large house on so high ?

yes, i do feel she is being punished for being the clever one

Clever children going to state school is punishment ?
And then you compensate her.

You come across as somewhat unhinged.
You don't really seem to have a clear value system.

I think you are a bit tight OP. I went to private school but never asked to, it was my parents choice to send me there. Anytime they tried to guilt trip me about the cost of my education I would point out that they chose to send me there and I would actually be happier going to a local school.

I think if that's all you can afford to get them because of the school fees then you can't actually afford private school. Wouldn't it be better to send them to a good state school (they do exist), and have money left over for nice holidays, hobbies and treats? I know what private schools are like and it's all very 'fwar fwar fwar my daddy has more money than your daddy'. Going back to school and having to tell their friends about their cack presents will be no fun for them and won't do their cred any good. Not saying it's the right mentality but it's how it is.

I've just read some of your other posts, OP, and I think you are being very mean.

You and your husband seem to be happy spending money on yourselves - laptop over £600, for example - you could buy two for that money and give one to your son - holidays away on your own, etc.

In the first line of your OP you say that you are broke, as far as you know. Does your husband hold the purse strings in your house?

More to clarify than anything:

Is this a case of Daddy's children v Mummy's child ?

Christmas is about making happy memories for your kids.
You sound like your kids will remember disappointment and double standards.
There's a balance to be struck between teaching kids the value of things and just being mean.
From your post you are just being mean.

Mudandmayhem - couldn't agree with you more! It is baffling to me why people think these silly gadgets somehow hold the key to "Christmas magic".

Why do so many people, as you say, buy this clever marketing and see these products as an essential part of their children's lives, as opposed to a good education? Baffling!

Hear, hear, SkyBluePearl.