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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

339 replies

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 19:45

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" . She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

OP posts:

LifeOfKate · 17/12/2010 21:00

Ok, in this situation, it is very sad that the little girl was upset and scared and her mother wasn't there to comfort her when she must have been feeling very unwell :(

However, if we're talking more generally about whether parents should stay with their children, I have an example of where it wasn't really up to the parent...
When I was two, I went into hospital to have surgery under GA to correct a squint. I was a very independent child and asked my mother to go home and leave me there. I seem to remember that I found it all a bit of an adventure and really remember a strong feeling that she would be 'cramping my style' if she stayed She was devastated that her little girl thought she would be better off without her and still brings it up every now and then

oldraver · 17/12/2010 21:01

Have to add... I spent two weeks having to leave DS at night and it was horrible having to leave him

BringOnTheGoat · 17/12/2010 21:02

I think everyone would have raised an eyebrow at the mothers comment and at her ways next day.

I do hope there were extenuating circumstances though. Otherwise that poor child has dreadful parents.

LunaticFringe · 17/12/2010 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 17/12/2010 21:04

Our nearsest hospital where children can be admitted is very very far away. It is quite costly, too, to get there. And then you'd have to feed yourself.

I could see where someone couldn't afford to do both, particularly if we're talking about long-term .

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 21:05

It's so not about the fact that she left, though. It's about the fact that she acted like she wanted to leave, and her behaviour was all about not being apparently remotely bothered, and her child was very young and very miserable.

That is the bit I am judging. My judgy pants are v v comfy this evening. They are silky.

LunaticFringe · 17/12/2010 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 21:07

What really shocked me was that she didn't appologise, say she was sorry but she had other children, or come across as at all concerned about her wailing toddler. Just "i'm too shattered" and left. And 11am???? The whole ward was up at 6 (mainly due to her daughter screaming her head off) Well said lady it was mine (and everyone elses business) as we were kept up all night.

I wanted to give the little girl a cuddle myself but I didn't think i'd be allowed.

OP posts:

MegBusset · 17/12/2010 21:09

DS1 was in hospital for four days at 11mo with bronchiolitis, wild horses wouldn't have dragged me from his side, in fact I remember DH practically having to be dragged out as they would only let one parent stay overnight.

gobbledegoop · 17/12/2010 21:09

turkey, i am loving your pants... not in a lesbo way... ;)

BlueCollie · 17/12/2010 21:11

Unfortunately it happens more than you think. I worked a shift on a childrens ward where some parents used it as as a free babysitting service and did not see their child for 3-4 days while they went out and partied. They only came back to pick her up. But hey kids are better off with their parents right

Original poster

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 21:12

turkey, me too, I think I will make myself a pair. some sparkly Christmas ones

OP posts:

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere · 17/12/2010 21:12

expat our DD's illness crippled us financially (as well as in every other fucking way).

I had to leave my job.
I had to feed myself
I had to feed her because the food was so horrible and her poor taste buds were so fecked by chemo.

Both of her hosptials were in London. One near us which had nothing but horrible Chicken Shops nearby (I am a veggie), the other smack bang in the middle of the West End so prices were sky high.

We didnt get any subsidies in hosptial canteens.

OUr shortest stays were at least three days, our longest was 6 weeks.

DD couldnt/wouldnt always eat and I admit I didnt eat much but it was still very very expensive.

If she was on steroid treatment her appitite was unbeliveable!

It could often cost us £20 per day just for food.

I dread to think what that cost us over two years.

There are thousands of parents in this situation.

onceamai · 17/12/2010 21:12

The mother may have had other children and been unable to stay with the baby. DD had to have an emergency op a few years ago and of course I was there. However, another girl of about 8 was brough in and also needed surgery late at night - the mother who arrive with two young chaps in their twenties said she couldn't stay because of her other children - ahem - couldn't the chaps who accompanied her have gone home to babysit (no - they were clearly drinking partners).

The saddest thing was that when the woman's dd woke up, no-one looked after her - she woke up in tears - was there a nurse (no they were yakking about Florida at the nurse station). A bit later when she was hungry, did the nurses help (no - they were on the internet). Later they claimed they were too busy to take another child onto the ward and told a doctor they weren't obliged to because of the waiting times in a&e hadn't been breached. !!!!!!

The moral was - no parent - no care for the child. Fortunately, I cuddled the child, I made sure the child was given something to eat and when the child woke up, I put the lass on the bed with mine and made sure they were both watching the video on the TV I managed to pull into the cubicle.

I smiiled sweetly at the mother the next day and made the most stinging complaint about the nursing care on that ward you imagine. It was DISGUSTING and is the principal reason why no child should ever be left alone in hospital.

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 21:13

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 21:15

Oops, unfortunate xpost rendering grin v badly placed -- was in response to OP's last post

expatinscotland · 17/12/2010 21:16

Exactly, Mrs. And some people can't do what you did, for a number of reasons. We just don't really know. Some people don't feel like sharing their private secrets with everyone just so others don't judge them.

sharbie · 17/12/2010 21:16

sorry haven't read whole thread but have to say this is not at all unusual but you are def nbu.
dd was in different hospitals for almost a year when she was first born and we saw many many babies on their own a lot of the time.
even newborns - i guess a lot of people have different prioirities.

lilyliz · 17/12/2010 21:18

you don't know what else the mum had to cope with,don't judge unless you know all the circumstances and by the way you were lucky to be able to stay round here it is not encouraged and the staff prefer to get on with their job without the interference of worried parents.

MarniesMummy · 17/12/2010 21:21

When my DD was 2 she had to have an op (only an over night job as they were on the afternoon list) I stayed with her.

Every other child on the ward was having the same op. One child (who was 4 if I remember correctly) was dropped off by several family members (including her mother) who seemed to chat to each other but ignore the little girl. Later they all left and she was alone all night. They rocked up the next day just before DD was discharged and proceeded to chat amongst themselves and ignore the little girl as per the previous night.

Some people don't deserve to have children.

Jacinda · 17/12/2010 21:22

Oh my God, UK hospitals are just like famous Romaninan orphanages! Shouldn't there be carers on duty at all times, nursery assitants perhaps? Terryfying.

gobbledegoop · 17/12/2010 21:24

the nhs can't afford to fund child care when parents can't be arsed.

xstitchsnowscene · 17/12/2010 21:24

When my dd was taken into hospital one night I was ashamed when I had to nip to the toilet. I just couldn't wait any longer

Original poster

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 21:25

Actually, late morning I heard the staff talking about the woman in question just after she arrived, "oh that little one's not on her own anymore so we don't need to be with her" factoring this into their care plan for the day.

So by the parent being there it can free up the nursing staff especially with babies and toddlers who can not understand why mummy or daddy have to go home and will just be communicating their distress. Yes I am lucky that my husband is there to have my older child, but as I stated when she came in at 11am the dad came too, so there probably were options. She just didn't want to stay.

OP posts:

BringOnTheGoat · 17/12/2010 21:25

Can they afford to fund it if parents have no options?

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