to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

[wheresmytractor]

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" . She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

[sparkle101]

YANBU (unless she had other responsibilites but shattered does not count)

The same happened to me when my DD was in hospital at a week old. There was a little lad in the cubicle next to us he cried constantly.

We got in at 6pm and left 6pm the following evening and he had had an hours visit from his mum.

I spoke to the nurses and they said she wasn't interested as he had been in for quite a while. It was horrible listening to him cry and seeing him in the huge cot, with only the nurses to check on him every once in a while, I wanted to go in but was not allowed. Bless him.

[TurkeyMartini]

I think it's the "Oh, I'm not staying, I'm shattered" that gives the License To Judge in this case.

And FFS, who gives a toss if we judge? We're discussing an unknown random unnamed person. If by some random chance she is reading this and she DID have a really good reason to go home, then she can safely ignore all the harsh remarks based on our wrong interpretation. Or even post and explain, should she so wish.

[reallytired]

I think its unacceptable coming in at 11am.

My mother was in a similar situation when I was in hospital having my adenoids out at the age of two. She came in as soon as visiting hours allowed with my younger brother in tow. I think she got there at 9am.

Anyway what about the father. Its all very well being judgy about the mother, but it takes two to concieve a kid.

[TurkeyMartini]

Traceybath, that is totally different though. I think most people are saying that it is horrible mainly because of the reported remark indicating it was just a case of being knackered.

[gobbledegoop]

Well said turkey!

[thisisyesterday]

maybe he's dead reallytired
maybe he did a runner and she has no idea where he is
maybe he was abusive and she left him

fgs, there are a whole load of reasons why she may not have been able to stay, and why she may not have had anyone able to look after other children

yes, i agree, it sounds like she was just being really selfish, but as I don't know that for certain i'm not going to judge her on it.

[traceybath]

Well yes turkey but it was one comment and I was just saying why I wouldn't have been able to stay.

Am just never keen on judging some-one based on one overheard comment.

[whatdoiknowanyway]

my brother and his girlfriend left their 3 week old baby alone in hospital overnight saying the mother needed to get home because 'hospitals freaked her out'.


I judged them then and I judge them now. No excuse.

[maighdlin]

YANBU is there are no other unknown circumstances. my friends DS was hospitalised when he was younger and she stayed with him for 4 nights but went home on the 5th to get a good sleep but she left at about 9:00pm and was back for 8:30 the next day.

[InkyStamp]

Whatever the circumstances, and tbh we will never know, i jut feel :( for the child.

[ReindeerBollocks]

YABU - You don't know the situation so shouldn't judge.

It could be that mum is shattered PLUS has other children at home. I have left DS many times and will continue to do so. I also know other parents who do this.

Staying is hospital once is traumatic - try staying so regularly you'd class it as a second home. Then you may hold a different opinion.

[BodleianBabe]

I got into trouble with my (then childless) female boss when my DS was rushed into hospital when he was three. He had a severely infected exczema (which is a million times worse than it sounds. He looked like I'd poured boiling water all over him ) which meant he ended up on a morphine and a drip which he kept pulling out. He also kept sracthing his skin causing it to come off.

Unfortunatley I was on night cover and she was furious. She told me the only way I could not come in was to go sick and why couldn't I leave my 3 year old overnight as there were nurses to look after him!!!

He was in for six nights and me and DP split it 3 each ( I believe in equal parenting!! ). No way could I have left him, he had to be in a room on his own because they weren't sure what he was infected with (and to cut the risk of furhter infection)and I do beleive he could have could have seriously hurt himself apart from being really frightened. There certainly weren't enough nurses to ensure he was ok.

Having said all that when i was 3 I was in hosptial for a week (in the 60's) and parents didn't stay generally. I don't think anyone even thought about it (in fact very strict visiting hours too!!)but I do think there was probably more staff on the wards than there are these days.

Ex boss now has a child of her own and I know she would think very differently about the situation now!!

Only YA poss. BU but only because you don't know her full circumstances although you would think if she genuinely couldn't stay the night she would have stayed long enough to settle her child and returned early next morning.

[TurkeyMartini]

I don't get why we have to bend over backwards to give the most generous possible interpretation on a second-hand anecdote about what sounds like heartless treatment of an ill child by someone who is not here and not being in any way personally identified or attacked?

Obviously there may be more to the story. There could be more to almost ANY story. It's hard to imagine an anecdote that isn't open to that caveat. And if there was a good explanation revealed, I'm sure we would all go, aah right I see, ok, sorry for judging.

But as the person being judged is someone not identifiable to any of us, we'll never meet her and she isn't posting here, what harm is there in saying that based on the anecdote in the OP, she sounds really heartless? Cos frankly, if she had a whole load of good reasons to go home you would have thought she would say something other than what she actually did say.

[maktaitai]

Do you know though, isn't it fantastic that things have changed so much. I remember reading Sue Barton the nursing series when I was a kid - they'd been issued with new(ish) covers so I didn't realise they'd been written in the 40s. And when Sue the wonderful nurse spends time on a children's ward and is asked by the children where their mothers are, she explains that of course parents can't stay on a hospital ward, there'd be no space and they'd be in the way of the doctors. But the parents are thinking about their children so that's OK. And the children are all bright and smiley after that.

Now we just assume that of course parents stay with their children if they possibly can, why would they not? That's tied up also with the fact that now that student nurses no longer work on the wards in the same way, the staff levels are so much lower. And it's the parent who leaves their child who is the unusual one, and that's just the way it should be.

I would have judged too, but from one remark we really shouldn't. The most likely explanation is that she has other commitments and no way of covering them. Her child was safe, at least.

[Jojay]

I couldn't do it.

Ds1 was admitted when Ds1 was 3 months old and fully breastfed. I couldn't contemplate not being there for DS1 so DH gave Ds2 formula at home and I pumped and dumped.

I was determined that DS2 would have nothing but bm until 6 months and apart from that one night, he did. but I still think it was the right decision at the time.

As others have said, she may not have been able to stay overnight but not to turn up until 11 am?

[Milliways]

I am so glad rules have changed. I spent months in hospital as a child, and whereas no Mum could stay that long, my Mum was not even allowed in the recovery room after a major operation - I had to wait until "visiting hours" the next day to see her. We also had to have stitches out etc without parents.

I have always stayed with my kids in hospital after that.

[wheresmytractor]

To clarify what I saw of her situation. She arrived at 11am with her partner (the father) No other children in tow, no mention of other children. When the nurse was filling in the forms with them, other children were mentioned alongside social services involvement. Her answer was "they live with thier mum now, circumstances have changed" meaning any other children were his and not hers.
I just don't think she gave a toss.

In response to people thinking i'm being judgy, too bloody right I am!! I had to listen to that poor baby cry and cry all night, unable to understand that when she was feeling so poorly and vulnerable her mummy wasn't there. I am genuinely shocked at how many other people have witnessed the same thing.

[traceybath]

Rules haven't changed with regards to babies in NICU though.

DS2 was very poorly when born and I had to go home and leave him and was only allowed to stay in the hospital for the 48 hours prior to his discharge.

Was very very had but had to be done.

[HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly]

If you couldn't stay because you had other children and nobody at all to help you, would you not say that though?

Why would you choose to say "No, I'm shattered" unless you really weren't bothering to stay with your frightened sick baby in hospital because you wanted to go home to sleep.

I don't know about you, but I've had a child in hospital. My eldest had his first operation at 2.5 and I didn't sleep at all for worrying. My husband stayed with him and I went home with the baby. I didn't sleep. I can't imagine going home for a good kip.

So I'm afraid I do think she appeared selfish.

[LadyBiscuit]

I would do anything rather than leave my child alone in hospital. It's so, so scary for them. I was in hospital for a couple of days when I was four (tonsillectomy) in the days when parents weren't allowed to stay and I remember that time as pretty much the worst days of my life at that age. I was so lonely and scared. A baby is going to feel even worse.

YANBU

[IAmReallyFabNow]

Sorry your son was ill .

YANBU.

Our 22 month old had an accident and needed a GA. DH stayed with her as our baby was only 3 weeks old and they weren't going to let him stay with me and DD. It never crossed our minds he wouldn't stay with her.

[walkinginaWUKTERwonderland]

There's a hospital in my town which was coverted from a TB sanitorium, probably in the 50's. There the children were kept in isolation. At visiting hours the parents could look in the window at them, but no closer.
Imagine how terrible that would have been for the parents and children

[TurkeyMartini]

exactly Hec.

I had to leave 4 month old DD for one hour on the isolation ward just to dash home and get my stuff to stay overnight there for a few days. Nurses were fine with me going but the awfulness of leaving her at all made me over-explain ad nauseaum about how I really had to go pick up some clean clothes for her, the breast pump, yadda yadda, really sorry, hope they didn't mind, please ring me if anything changes, I'll be as quick as I can, I'm taking a taxi, etc etc.

I can't imagine anyone who was reluctant to go but had no choice, simply saying "oh I'm not staying, I'm shattered" and breezing out.