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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

339 replies

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 19:45

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. Sad He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" Shock. She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am Angry this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

OP posts:
TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 22:24

Laurie, but the woman was in the middle of being told by the nurse how the chair converted to a bed so she could sleep there. They do make sure you know that you can stay.

And if you believed you were not allowed, you would almost certainly say something like 'what time do parents have to leave' or 'when can I come in tomorrow' or whatever, and then they would explain you were in fact allowed to stay. I mean you'd be discussing the whole situation with hcps if your toddler was that ill, so the rules would be communicated to you somehow.

xstitchsnowscene · 17/12/2010 22:25

I can't speak for others but when I made comments about some mothers not having back up for other children I was commenting on what other posters had said about there always being alternatives. I did say that this wasn't the case with the woman in the OP. I just didn't want this thread to make decent mothers who have had to leave their children in hospital feel worse than they probably do.

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 22:27

Hec, it's because everyone on the thread except you and me and the op (and a few select others) is on drugs. Hard, hard drugs.

tholeon · 17/12/2010 22:31

2 issues I think:

a) particular situation of this woman, who maybe was just not very nice and we can all have a good time judging

b) general situation regarding how difficult it can be when a child is in hospital, esp if young and for a length of time - which is more serious and worth people knowing about...

sharbie · 17/12/2010 22:31

i don't get why people makes excuses for others either

maktaitai · 17/12/2010 22:33

Hec, because it is normal IMO to give other people the benefit of the doubt, especially when there's nothing you can do about a particular situation. There is 'lying' and there is 'not explaining everything to everybody'. I'm sure she WAS shattered, aren't we all?

xstitchsnowscene · 17/12/2010 22:33

How dare you suggest I am hard drugs and I didn't condone the woman described in the OP.

Good post tholeon.

nightmarebeforechristmas · 17/12/2010 22:38

the woman in the op was lucky to be offered a bed that could turn into a chair,
I have slept on the floor and in a chair.

I did leav dd once when she was sedated, the nurse said she wouldn't awake until morning as she was heavily sedated (severe seizure) I was offered a bed in the ronald macdonald house, but as I lived in town I didn't want to take a bed from an out of town person(dd was in ICU so no parent bed) so I went home, I kind of slept(if you can even call it that) got a call at 5am to say she was awake.........
got over there in a taxi(quicker as no parking)
she was sound asleep............

just had to share that for no reason

TyraG · 17/12/2010 22:41

I haven't read ALL the posts, but I have to say that sure she may have had other DC's at home that she had to deal with, but the fact is that an 18 month old doesn't understand that.

The only thing that poor baby knew was that her mom left, she was all alone, sick, and scared out of her mind. Can anyone possibly understand how it must have felt for that child to realise that her mom was not coming back and that she was all alone in a strange place with people she didn't know, and sick to boot? Poor thing.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 17/12/2010 22:42

Ah. I see. So what she actually said and the logical implications are disregarded because it is more comfortable to believe that no parent would behave in such a way. So it's a case of what she said clearly means X but I am going to turn that into situation Y because that makes me feel happier that there is not a child with a less than great parent.

This is not be trying to be awkward in any way btw. I just could not for the life of me comprehend where those of you who are doing this are coming from Grin

TheOriginalNutcracker · 17/12/2010 22:48

I work on a children's ward, and was shocked at how little time some parents spend with their dc when then are on the ward.

There is sometimes perfectly acceptable reasons as to why the parents can't be there, but in all honesty, alot of the time there is no reason at all.

Jacinda · 17/12/2010 22:51

There will always be parents that can't or won't stay with their kids and the hospital has to provide best care for every child that needs it.

I stayed with my child for 24 hours once. The nurse would only come in for 2 mins every 3 hours to do the checks. Of course his temperature would go sky high an hour after she left. I do hope he would be looked after better if I couldn't stay, but now I'm not so sure.

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 23:00

Like I said earlier ... It isn't really about the leaving, of course people have reasons why they can't stay, as most of us have explicitly acknowledged aaaages ago. Nobody here is stupid enough to think there are never good reasons why a parent cannot stay. Nobody is saying all parents who cannot stay should be Tarred With an Enormous Brush.

It's about the very clear impression of heartlessness given by this particular person's words and actions. Right?

Where is the harm in saying on an Internet forum that a random unnamed woman, who none of us could ever identify, sounds like she had a crappy attitude? If you think that is unacceptable, just how distanced, anonymous and theoretical does something need to be before you think it is ok to be a teensy bit critical? Christ. There is giving the benefit of the doubt and then there is going to absurd lengths to avoid the mildest of criticism of anyone, ever.

Jacinda · 17/12/2010 23:00

And don't get me started on the food - tomato soup straight from a value can and the cheapest nastiest frankfurters I've ever seen. Even my unfussy and very hungry DH couldn't eat the lunch hospital offered to little childern. Not only parent's presence is needed but also a steady streem of supplies.

Jacinda · 17/12/2010 23:00

stream that is

turnipvontrapp · 17/12/2010 23:01

When I stayed in hospital with DS3 for 2 weeks, there was a little baby next to us (about 4 months old) and she got visited twice by her parents (didn't even get her out of her cot Shock). She was so beautiful and smiley, I used to chat to her and my DS and play her baby music on the toys.

The nurses were so stretched and when they saw the parents there they said they would get her feed early so they could feed her (and save them a job). As soon as the nurse left the ward, they disappeared without telling her, the nurse couldn't believe it when she came back with the milk and they had done a runner.

They weren't the only ones either Sad. Broke my heart all the crying babies and not enough nurses to comfort them.

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 23:04

It must be so hard on the nurses in that situation.

LeQueen · 17/12/2010 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Unwind · 17/12/2010 23:08

I left my DD in SCBU - I was there to do the nappy changes and feeds every three hours, but I went back to the post natal ward where I thought I would get help with expressing the milk I was being pressured to provide - I got sod all help, and no food for the first day and a half. I'd had a three day induction, and a traumatic birth, and we were so utterly exhausted - mentally and physically that we did not fight the horrible hospital staff.

I feel very guilty that I left my DD in the care of callous paediatric nurses, one who tormented and bullied me without any provocation. I wish I had just bundled her up and taken her home. I listened to those nurses jeering at the other parents who did not come any more, and I wondered had they never been taught about how difficult it can be to bond with a sick baby following a traumatic birth, how you can be shell shocked, how much a difference support could have made.

The woman in the OP was probably being selfish but deserves the benefit of the doubt. "Shattered" could mean on the verge of collapse, could mean that she has the same bug her DD has, could mean that she has other mental or physical health issues. You can't know.

Unwind · 17/12/2010 23:10

Blush at all the skipped words, I am upset thinking about this

oldraver · 17/12/2010 23:12

MaryPoppin.. I though I read on MN that if you are b/f they have a duty to feed you. For me the food situation in hospital was horrendous. The canteen food was foul slop and they are only so many ready meals you can stomach. Yes they rightly dont let hot drinks (which many parents ignored [shock}) on the ward, but had microwaves for nurses to reheat formula for you to use. There was a well equiped kitchen but was far removed from the ward and you didnt want to spend to far away buying/cooking food. I felt very tired and lethargic after a week of hospital food and some pareents do this for weeks and months

MercyMe · 17/12/2010 23:14

My dd has been in and out of hospital having different ops since she was born, I have always stayed with her on the ward when possible. She was in itu for 6 weeks, but we were able to stay in hospital accommodation during this. My dh also has always stayed, he is in fact on a disciplinary for all the time he has taken off.

Being in hosp with ill children is very hard and very, very expensive, but i certainly couldnt have left dd even now she is a bit older and certainly not at 16 months she would have been so scared to have woken up and not seen us.

Unwind · 17/12/2010 23:16

My bed on the postnatal ward was at the nurses station - I was there for several days, and I could hear when they were gossiping and talking about TV, though far too busy to help mothers (like me) who were desperate for assistance.

I was trusting of hospital staff before my DD's birth, it genuinely never occured to me that staff would be so hardened. I had faith in the SCBU staff at first. I now feel sick at the thought of her, or anyone else in my family ever having to spend time in hospital again. It is the last place I'd want to be when vulnerable.

maktaitai · 17/12/2010 23:17

'There is giving the benefit of the doubt and then there is going to absurd lengths to avoid the mildest of criticism of anyone, ever.'

but it isn't mild criticism - for a start we are talking about abandoning your sick child on a hospital ward, which is shit - also the post I was reacting to was one that talked about this woman LYING in capitals - i doubt very much she was LYING at all - either she was making excuses, which was shit behaviour and she wasn't much of a mother that day, or she just wasn't explaining everything that was going through her head at that particular moment, because nobody does that unless they are deranged.

I accept the info from all the later posters though about the number of people who still do leave their children in hospital. Weird and Sad.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 17/12/2010 23:23

Oh me right.

I said that it appeared people were saying she was lying about going home to sleep.

That is true.

She said she was going home to sleep.

Post after post after post came up with other reasons she could have left, don't judge, she might have had X, Y, Z situation.

She said she was going home. To sleep.

Therefore, the posters were suggesting that this was very possibly not the true reason she was leaving.

Therefore they were suggesting that she was lying.

My question was a reasonable one.

Why would someone say that they were going home because they were shattered, if they were actually going for another reason. When you would have to be rather dim indeed to not see that you would be thought badly of.

Hell, if you were going home to sleep, surely you'd lie then and say you had other kids!