to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

[wheresmytractor]

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" . She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

[OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere]

Gothanne as I have said before I have an almost unhealthy adoration for medical staff. I really do. I think to be a nurse or doctor is to be someone very special. The things they did to try and save my DD, I cant describe how I feel about those people.

Unfortunately because of the circumstances we are all under when a child is sick, if someone behaves badly it is unforgettable and unforgivable. I would say blown out of proportion but I dont think it is.

As those nurses who helped me decorate DD's room so she could wake up on her 13th surrounded by Eminem will forever be held in a special place - that bitch who told my DD to 'just settle herself' when she was crying in pain as the bone marrow in her little legs expanded and pushed and caused her agony - I will never forgive her and would want to punch her if I ever saw her again.

A nurse came to me in tears because she had spiked DDs chemo so it would be delayed until a new bag could be ordered. She cared so much about us having to stay longer that she was genuinly distressed.

The nurse who told my DD off for wearing a vest top that made it hard for her to access her port AND used to turn the lights on everytime she did obs in the middle of the night - she shouldnt be allowed near children.

I still wake up crying because of that nurse. Because I failed my DD because I didnt put her straight. DD had just relapsed and I was still trying to deal with it. I will never forgive myself for letting her down.

Its over five years later and I am not a person to hang on to things normally. But these things are hard to shake.

If one of my boys became a nurse or a doctor I would be the proudest mum in the world.

[duchesse]

Oh Dooby, I am so sorry. Things were very different 20 years ago. My sister spent a week in hospital 30 years ago and my parents didn't visit once.

[Doobydoo]

Regarding NICU.My dd1 was born 20 years ago I was not allowed to stay in hospital and she did die 2 hours before we got there.The nurses thought we had been told[we hadn't]tHAT IS MY BIGGEST REGRET IN MY LIFE THAT i WAS NOT THERE TO HOLD HER WHEN SHE DIED.
nOWADAYS IT VARIES ACCORDING TO EACH TRUST.wHERE i WORK parents would be able to stay if there was space on the unit or on post natal....and under special circs.

[Doobydoo]

YANBU..once after a nursing shift I went to a club and saw the mum and dad of the 18 month old we had on the ward.I was

[emy72]

PS My DH sometimes goes away for work and we have no family around. I don't know what I'd do if my youngest had to go into hospital. I can't think of anyone I could ask to look after my children overnight.

[tholeon]

agree with idrilis re comments on nursing staff. Some were brilliant, caring, empathetic and had no sign of compassion fatigue. Others really, really, were not. And it really, really matters. Same with the doctors.

[emy72]

Do you know her circumstances?

Yes very sad for the child, no doubt.

BUT you don't know if there were other siblings, a sick parent, a single mother, etc
all very very possible.

[GothAnneGeddes]

Idrilis - I would argue that resource and staff shortages plus unsupportive management are far bigger problems and usually the cause of staff disaffection and poor staff retention.

[thecaptaincrocfamily]

Depends how many other children she had at home. If its her only then yes SIBVU however, if she has others then no. It isn't ideal but how do you know she doesn't have PND? How do you know she doesn't work nights? How do you know anything of her situation - don't judge until you know imo.

[GothAnneGeddes]

Bit sad about all the nurse bashing that's crept onto this thread.

A few points.

NICU/SCUBU are notoriously underfunded. Unlike adults and children, neonates in IC rarely get 1to1 care because there is not the funding for sufficient levels of staff. (the Bliss website is a good resource for further info on this).

All paeds wards/NICU/SCBU/PICU generally have 24 hour visiting for parents. This actually isn't the for the benefit of the staff (believe me), but because for children, when poorly, it's natural they want their parents around to comfort them.

As for neonates, it's great for parents to be around as much as possible to build a bond with their baby and it's really good for the baby too. Nurses aren't just glad you come a lot because we're lazy wenches, but because we actually care for our babies and families and it's nice to see them happy.

Ideally all NICU's would have room for parents to be able to room in, but sadly money and space are a huge factor, especially as most NICU's are on site with general hospitals, so space is at a premium.

Believe it or not McDonald's charity has actually paid for and built many facilities for parents to stay long term with their child if they're at a children's hospital. So if anyone is feeling charitable:

rmhc.org/

[FrostyAndSlippery]

Of course not idrilis. Quite the opposite.
I really think most people on this thread are distinguishing between people who have good reasons to have to leave, and those who (appear to) leave because of a lack of care for their children.

[Loie159]

YANBU!!!it made me really really sad to read that post. no matter what peoples circumstances are leaving your child (she was only a 16month odl baby FGS!) alone at night in hospital is surely a last and only option?! However, my dad told me (and confirmed by my nan) when he was 3 he pulled a pan of boiling water overhimself. He was in hospital for 2 and a half weeks and parents WERE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO VISIT!!!! He was in a ward with other children and my nan was besides herself at not being able to see him - but the nurses said it would upset the children when their parents left so in the end they let her peek at him through the window in the door! This was 60 odd years ago but just shows how much attitudes have changed!

[tholeon]

Shoppingbags you can't take them with you if they are attached to wires/ feeding tubes etc which lots of them are, lots of the time.

Riven I don't think that posters on this thread mean to be judgy of anyone in circs such as yours, though I can see how it might feel like that. I agree that there has been a lot of emphasis on mothers here - children have two parents.

I hope that if I ever had a friend or neighbour with a child with a long term illness I would do all I can to help with pracitcal support, not just messages of good will, and try to galvinise others into doing the same.

[deaconblue]

gosh I didn't know you were even allowed to leave your child at hospital. When ds was in hospital for 3 weeks I even had to take him with me when I went for a wee because there wasn't always someone around to look after him.

[JustKeepSparkling]

(OT - Riven so so glad you made it to London to see DD1, hope you are having a good time with her, despite the worrying)

[hairymelons]

This thread is making me cry, thinking about the lovely, lovely staff who took care of DS (and me, I cried for days!) when he was a tiny, poorly baby.

So sorry for those of you who weren't treated so well. They make such a huge difference for good or for ill when you're at your lowest ebb.

WRT the OP, we were in a bay with a 6mo girl who screamed all day and night. She was so thin and ill looking I assumed she either didn't have a mum or she didn't care because I couldn't imagine leaving such a poorly baby. The staff occassionally came and put her dummy back in and gave her feeds but she didn't get cuddles. Her screams were ear curdling, especially when she was nil by mouth prior to a test. It was really distressing for everyone and I have to admit I was judging hard. We used to sing to her amd put her dummy back in etc. and one of the mums would wheel her round in the pram but we weren't allowed to pick her up.

I felt bloody awful when Her mum turned up the next day and it turned out she was by herself with 3 other kids and struggling with bus fares etc. Her baby had been born at 26 weeks and she was also running out of babysitting favours after 9 months in and out of hospital.

So YANBU to judge, we all do it because you can't imagine leaving a sick baby. I'm trying not to do it anymore though because you never really know someones circumstances.

Incidentally we're back in hospital (bronchiolitis this time) and the nurse last night said she would never leave her child alone in hospital no matter what Spose she knows how stretched they are.

[QueenStromba]

I've only just come upon this thread and I've only read the first two so maybe someone has made this argument already.

From the age of 18 months to about 5 I was in the hospital every other week with my asthma. I even had a favourite nurse. I'm pretty sure my mum didn't sit in the hospital all those nights. I imagine that the woman described by the OP was in a similar situation and knew it would be better for her child if she was well rested when he came home. I can pretty much guarantee that that woman has barely any sleep when her child is at home and not breathing well. When I was 23 I came home for Christmas and started having an asthma attack, my mum had been at the pub and had fallen asleep on the sofa. I was planning to wake her up and tell her I was getting a cab to A&E but when I made it into the living room the sound of my breathing made her sit bolt upright and she had dialed 999 before I could say a word. The sound of an asthma attack is as wired into her brain as the sound of a baby crying is for most women. I imagine this woman is like my mum and just welcomed the rest you can only get when you know that someone else will be looking after your sick child for the next 12 hours.