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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

339 replies

wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 19:45

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. Sad He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" Shock. She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am Angry this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 17/12/2010 20:29

and what do you do with the other children at a neighbours or home alone and she didn't like to say? You don't know her circumstances so don't judge, there are any number of reasons why she left the child in capable hands of nurses - not like she left her child outside the pub on a snowey night Hmm

vinvinoveritas · 17/12/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tholeon · 17/12/2010 20:30

DS was in hospital for 6 weeks as a baby. I only went home once in that time, for the day, and DH was with him then. But we had two parents, one child, and one job between us. Any other set of circumstances would have made it much, much harder. Many parents we met had children who were in hospital for months and they just couldn't be with them all the time. And yes, the nurses were often too busy to comfort them (except in intensive care, when they were generally sedated anyway), and yes, they often cried. Poor sick babies. It was very sad. People with children who have serious illnesses often need more support from others so they can be there for their children.

But in these circumstances, yes I would have judged, I think.

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere · 17/12/2010 20:30

I used to get upset when I saw children left alone on the ward.

I did try and understand but it was hard.

DD was in and out of hosptial for 2 years. She would admitted nearly every week on average. Once she was in for 6 weeks.
She was never left for one single night or day.

I had an OH though. Although he has MS and the boys were only 1 and 10 at the time so it was very tough on him.

With her illness she could have got very poorly at any second, treatments didnt follow nice patterns so someone could come in at 3 am to give her an injection etc. It just wasnt an option to leave her.

On the general ward there were loads of kids on their own. I tried to assume it was because of family circumstances and I would guess for the majority it was. There were some who had crap, lazy parents though. It was heartbreaking to be lying their with my deathly sick DD and hear babies crying for the want of a cuddle.

It hardly happened on the oncology wards though. I only really remember one or two. One young girl was dropped off for the start of 6 mths intensive treatment for luekemia and her parents never spent a whole day or night with her Sad
Sorry but i DO judge that, I really do.

The fact is, the wards cannot run without the parents now. There are hardly any ancillary staff and nurses do not have the time to feed and change and bath kids.
I used to do all of DD's care. Changing beds, washing, feeding and most of her meds.

If all the parents walked out, the ward would collapse.

So YANBU for being sad for this child, how dreadful. YOu are B alittle bit U because the mother might have been joking? I dont know, people do funny things when their kids are sick.

ivykaty44 · 17/12/2010 20:31

Op where was the father of this child?

Caboodle · 17/12/2010 20:31

YANBU - DS1 was in hospital for a week as a baby, there were 2 very small babies who never had a visit (obviously other circumstances here, but still very sad), and one little boy whose Mum came for about an hour a day and when she was there spent all her time on her mobile. This little boy was so desparate for attention he tried to talk to all the other parents there, all the time, poor thing.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 20:34

She may well have no one else to support her but other children at home so no option. Safest thing IMHO if that was the case.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 20:36

She may well have no one else to support her but other children at home so no option. Safest thing IMHO if that was the case.

LunaticFringe · 17/12/2010 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 20:38

"I'm sure she would love to stay with her child but for whatever reason cannot."

It doesn't sound that way at all from her words or actions.

I'm sorry, I'm not normally one of the catsbummouth masses but in this instance I see no reason not to judge at all, going purely by what the OP has said. I don't know who would benefit from me forcing myself to assume there was a really fantastic justification that was in no way apparent from what the OP saw.

I hate the whole "we must never judge ANYONE" thing. I wouldn't be so cavalier about judging people in RL, or even people posting here. But in a case like this it's so many steps removed from direct interaction (second-hand anecdote on anonymous forum about unknown people) that it's really just a way of allowing yourself to vent and be sad/angry about the incontrovertible truth that there are some people out there who aren't all that nice to their kids.

Original poster
wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 20:39

ivykaty44 The father turned up at 11am with the mother. He wasn't there in the evening when the little girl was dropped off.

As someone else mentioned, the nurses just can't play mummy and daddy and sit and do cuddles all night, they just don't have time.

FWIW, the cubicle on the other side had a single father who was with his 3 year old son. His older son was with a neighbour. He didn't leave his little one all night. I know this for a fact because his snoring kept me awake along with the little girl! Grin

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 17/12/2010 20:40

hairyfairy, the OP also said: To clarify what I saw of her situation. She arrived at 11am with her partner (the father) No other children in tow, no mention of other children.

TurkeyMartini · 17/12/2010 20:41
LadyBiscuit · 17/12/2010 20:43

lunaticfringe - I think it's that the NHS can't afford to feed family. My DS was in an isolation room for a week when he was a baby and I was with him pretty much 24/7. I never even got a cup of tea. They told me where I could go and get one and I just bought ready meals to eat. I don't have an issue with that - the care he received was fabulous.

belgo · 17/12/2010 20:44

YABU. You really do not know the situation.

When my dd2 was 16 months she had an emergency hospital admission - dh was away on holiday and it was a real struggle to find care for dd1 who was herself only three years old. She had to spend a few hours with neighbours whom she barely knewSad, before I got hold of the grandparents.

Original poster
wheresmytractor · 17/12/2010 20:49

turkeyMartini Xmas Grin that made me laugh! There are times when we can judge others, mainly when they are behaving like selfish "shattered" bints! Its not like I squared up to her on the ward and tutted in her face! I thought MN was a place to be able to vent and discuss and say what we really think, not what we would necessarily say in real life?

OP posts:
Ephiny · 17/12/2010 20:49

I had no idea parents were 'supposed' to stay 27/4 when children were in hospital, or even that you would be allowed to stay outside visiting hours, never mind overnight. Don't think it was the case when I was a child. The only time I've heard of any visitors staying overnight in any hospital is in private maternity wards where they provide a bed for your partner if you choose.

What I mean is, maybe she didn't know it's the expected thing these days?

trixymalixy · 17/12/2010 20:51

DS who is nearly 4 was in hospital with pneumonia for 5 nights a couple of weeks ago. He wasn't left alone for a second.

There was a 5 week old baby whose parents visited for an hour a day and then went down south for the weekend when there was all that snow and a good chance of hem getting stuck there for a bit.

I tried not to judge as I'm sure after 5 weeks in hospital I would have been desperate for a break, and at 5 weeks old the baby would probably not notice the absence of a patent as much as a toddler. I did feel heartbroken for it when every time I walked past it was being rocked in a pram by a machine :-(

expatinscotland · 17/12/2010 20:52

YABU. You really don't know what this person's circumstances are and it's really none of your business.

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere · 17/12/2010 20:53

Yes it is Ephiny the wards could not function if the parents didnt stay.

trixymalixy · 17/12/2010 20:55

Lunaticfringe, parents never get fed, just the child. Also hot drinks are never allowed on a children's ward.

LadyBiscuit · 17/12/2010 20:55

Well it is if the baby is screaming all night long expat. Then it's a fucking pita for everyone else on the ward

TinselinaBumSquash · 17/12/2010 20:55

Thats really sad, unfortunatley i see it all to often when DS is in hospital.

When were in London there is one boy who is 9 and he is a long term patient on the ward, he is in 9months of every year, he is really ill with cf. His mum comes in only a couple of days a week.
I made time to sit with him at meal times and chat, he was such a sweet kid and said his parents are always busy. Sad

Another Mum didn't stay in with her 20 month old son becuase she wasn't aloowed to smoke on hospital grounds and she can't cope without a fag when she is stressed. Angry

expatinscotland · 17/12/2010 20:58

Well, Lady, if that mother is all on her own with no one else to look after other children - we don't really know - what is she supposed to do? Magic up someone to look after them? Farm them out to foster carers?

oldraver · 17/12/2010 21:00

When I was in hospital once with DS there was a little boy who had been in for 8 months since he was born. He didnt have any visitors for nearl a week then about 8 people came at once stayed for an hour then went. His mother came in for another day, when the nurses almost begged her to come in for an overnight. This little boy also used to lie in his cot watching the world go by, was really sad to see

I've also seen parents waltz into SCBU at gone midday and saty for a couple of hours, that really shocked me as had got to know the girl and she appeared to be a caring Mum, even her nurse asked one day why they came in so late and left early and they lived a short bus ride from the hospital