to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

[wheresmytractor]

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" . She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

[ReindeerBollocks]

Actually based on other posts from OP I take it back, maybe you were right to be judgey and it doesn't appear that the mother was overly concerned about the daughters welfare overnight.

It isn't always an option though, DS was in for his first four months on a surgical neonate ward and no parents were allowed to stay. All mothers coped and generally the babies were cared for and loved by their parents.


Plus, I disagree that every child finds hospitals traumatic and lonely places. DS has stayed regularly since birth and loves it there - he wants to stay and generally is happy if we are there or not. This doesn't mean we are neglectful. We provide all his medical care even when in hospital, and we stay 90% of the time. Generally there are other circumstances for one of us not to stay.

But I dislike the insinuation that parents who don't stay clearly aren't good parents or don't care as much as those who do.

Tinselina - I know of a cf girl in similar circumstances who is very much loved but her mum just cannot split herself between her daughter and her other children. What other option does that mum have when there is no other parent at home?

[walkinginaWUKTERwonderland]

Lilyliz - see onceamai's post above. 'Mediacl staff want to get on without interference from parents' doesn't fill me with confidence, after what she said. I have experience with that also, though I'm talking about geriatric care here rather than childcare.

Expat, would you really not say 'I have to go to take care of my other children,' rather than 'I'm shattered'? Would you guard your privacy that much in case someone thought you were a good mother trying her best to juggle everything? It's hardly sharing all their private secrets to admit you have other children.

[sharbie]

well if you have other children (as i did) which one would you say needs you most.........

[onceamai]

Why should carers need to be on duty at all times when nurses are standing around doing sweet FA but gossiping and surfing the net? The told the dr in a&E that they were too busy to take on an additional child. When my dd had to go back to Xray we had two porters and a nurse had to accompany us. She carried the file - that could have been done by, me, dd, or either porter. I can only assume it was easier to carry the file than nurse or do anything useful.

[OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere]

I would prefer to agree expat if that makes sense. I dont want to think people leave their sick kids alone because they cant be arsed.

I know that some do though.

But I really think most do it because they cant stay, they are scared out of their minds and not thinking properly or some reason we just dont know about.

I think it is interesting that when it gets to something as serious as cancer, the rates of kids being left on their own goes right down. It tends to make people reassess their priorities.

The reality is, if you dont stay with your child they may well not get fed, miss their medication or be given something they are allergic to.

I dont hate Drs and nurses btw, far, far from it. But when it was decided (quite rightly) that children did better if their parents were allowed to stay, the rot began to set in. Ancillary staff began to disapear and it is now impossible for nurses to do day to day care as well as medical care for all the kids on a ward.

(Oh blimey I just wrote 'the rot set in', I am turning into my mother )

[xstitchsnowscene]

sharbie I see what you are saying but if you really have no backup you cannot leave other children alone and unfed. Granted that doesn't appear to be the case with this mother.

[LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake]

God, until I read this thread I had no idea you could stay with your kid in hospital. I would have left thinking you weren't allowed, and expecting the nurses to look after them.

I'd likely have said something stupid like that too and gone home grateful for a nights sleep.

[wheresmytractor]

And this was a distressed BABY. Not a coherent, reasonable small child who understood what was happening. I think some people are thinking that I am judging ALL parents who don't stay, which is not the case. I am judging HER. I feel truely sorry for any of you that are in long term situations and goodness knows what i'd do. But the situation i'm describing is not like that. This toddler had the bronchialitis infection that mine and many other babies and toddlers have at the moment.

[pozzled]

"When my dd had to go back to Xray we had two porters and a nurse had to accompany us. She carried the file - that could have been done by, me, dd, or either porter. I can only assume it was easier to carry the file than nurse or do anything useful."

When DD was in hospital she had to be accompanied by a nurse whenever she left the ward for tests etc. It was just standard procedure. When she had her MRI scan it took ages and the nurse had to stay with us even though it made it more difficult for the staff on the ward who then had to cover her duties.

[xstitchsnowscene]

I for one didn't think you were referring to all parents. My comments were more directed towards subsequent posters.

[Jacinda]

If a child was left crying on his own for hours in a nursery, it would be outrageous, all over the papers and the manager would probably be prosecuted. But in hospital it's OK and only the parents are to blame?

[walkinginaWUKTERwonderland]

No it was clear you were only referring to this woman in this situation.

[wheresmytractor]

Riven thats awful hugs x x

[TinselinaBumSquash]

ReindeerBollocks Generally i would agree with you, its really hard having more than one child (i know i have2!) however this little chaps mum has no other children she is just engrossed in her high flying carrer and also they apparently live very close to the hospital as i do and becuase of that i take my littlest one onto the ward untill bedtime then his dad takes him home to bed.

[ReindeerBollocks]

Fair enough Tinselina, I just know a mum in the same position and I can see it breaks her heart to leave each night.

And Iike Riven's case, it's not always possible, even in very serious conditions.

[ReindeerBollocks]

*like

MrsDeVere, Parents can't always stay even when it's very serious (not allowed or other reasons), but I agree that I don't allow DS to be medicated without me present ( and generally new meds are given in the day) for that reason. And I am very sorry to hear about your daughter.

[tholeon]

I do think more support is needed for families in these circs. Another mumsnet campaign possibility? I found it so hard when DS was in hospital and it was for a relatively short time - 6 weeks - and like I said 2 parents, one job, one child. And I was fed because I was breastfeeding, and money was not tight. But it was still really really difficult. Hard to leave him for a moment to go to the loo, or wash. We met families with children with chronic conditions or very prem babies who had juggled it for months - getting no sleep on wards, caring for other children, trying to hold down jobs. Either leaving their poor sick babies to cry by themselves or just not coping with the other parts of their lives which they had to deal with - jobs, other children. A short term illness is very different to something that goes on and on.

[Bunnyjo]

OP, I think YA definitely NBU. The mother left only 5mins after her daughter was admitted and didn't return until 11am WITH her DP (so there was obviously someone else on the scene to look after any other potential DC's). I think it is safe to assume she wasn't going home to look after other children - surely, if she was, she would have explained that to the nursing staff rather than saying 'Oh, I'm not staying, I'm shattered'!

My DD was rushed to hospital by our GP at 18mth with a particularly bad bout of Rotavirus A gastroenteritis and there is no way I could have even thought about going home because I was 'shattered'. For the record, I was completely shattered - I hadn't slept for 2 days because DD was vomiting constantly and unable to hold down even sips of water. We had been back and forth to the GP and Out of Hours GP and were told by OOH GP that she would be fine, yet she was rushed to hospital less than 10hrs later - a whole other story. I didn't sleep the nights we were in hospital either as DD wanted to sleep on me and, if I dared to move, I triggered her IV alarm.

I feel so sorry for the little girl, I can only imagine how upset and confused she was, on top of being so ill

[nightmarebeforechristmas]

yanbu
I am shocked that anyone would leave a little person to fend for themselves in hospital

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

I do think there needs to be some shake up of how babies/mums/sidlings are looked after in these situations.

When DS1 was a few days old had 10 days on a children's ward with me BF and not being fed once. If I didn't have family to releave me for meal breaks how could I have had the energy to BF?? Silly thing was they had bottles for babies but didn't feed BF mums?!!

[nightmarebeforechristmas]

riven I have to stay with dd(thank god she hasn't been in hospital much) as the hospital staff have no idea of the care she needs.

[nightmarebeforechristmas]

there should be more help for parents, good idea for a campaign.
ds has had quite a few "minor" ops, so I have seen both the nt and sn side of hospital stays (I have been lucky and all been 1 nighters) I cannot imagine how anyone copes for longer if they haven't got some one to relieve them.

[HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly]

How come the OP is telling you that the woman said "Oh, I'm not staying, I'm shattered" and left at about five past seven, and you have translated that into she is a struggling single mother with 5 kids who loves her children more than life and was devestated to not be able to stay.

She SAID she was leaving because she was TIRED
At seven pm
She returned at 11am the following day. With a partner.

What is the reason a person would have chosen to say "Oh, I'm not staying, I'm shattered" if the truth of the matter was "I can't stay, I have nobody to look after my other children."

Why would you LIE and say you weren't staying because you were tired.

That makes no sense at all.

I just wonder, those of you who think she was lying and the real reason she was leaving was not to go home and sleep as she claimed, but because she had no childcare for other children, why you think she lied and made herself seem to be a mother who put a good night's kip above her child, rather than letting the staff know she had other children to care for.