Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

Given he only contacts her himself on special occasions then surely she is just mirroring that. At 13, she needs her dad to call her more than 5 times a year particularly as he moved so far away from her that popping over for a visit simply cant happen.

Perhaps the request for large gifts are a plee for his love given the lack of contact and general day to day treats/trips/activities etc that she is missing out on that the others get.

She possibly does just want gifts, but she may also be testing you both to see if you are really in there for the long haul or whether eventually all the focus will be on the 'new' family. If you break off contact or limit it then you will never have the opportunity for it to grow into anything more.

She's just a teenager, and she's probably going to get an even worse attitude over the next few years and at times it will be hell dealing with all the attitude. Keep in mind the end goal you want, and keep battling to get there. It won't be easy!

Er your DH is the grown up it is up to him to put the effort in to ensure contact happens- he left his daughter as she will see it when he moved to be with you and your kids.
What she wants is an acknowledgement that she is precious to him, and if the only way she thinks he shows this is with exppensive gifts then that is how she sees him, if he only sees her at gift giving times of year then I can see how she has come up with this idea.
That isn't taking anyone for a ride, that is a child being insecure.

So yes she may sound spoilt but I think YABU to think she is taking him for a ride.

Happymummy - he would like more contact those, are the dates religiously go ahead etc, more contact would be fab, however, last few contacts, she was attending jls concert, next one she had a pre-arranged plan to go shopping with her pals, DH would never demand she gave up pre-arranged plans etc, he would not be her favourite person if she had to miss JLS concert for visit etc. Every visit he takes her bowling, crystal maze, shopping, it is always centred around her.

Simply visit isnt the case, we would have overnight contact etc, summer hols etc, however his DD is saying to us she wants too, but different thing to her mother. DH and mother dont get on, so try to arrange things with her, however, sad as it sounds, think DD is worried about her mums feelings.

and its was his DD idea for those religious contacts

he needs to see her more than once every or 3 months. MUCH more. She's seeing him as a gift horse because she's wanting him to make up for all the attention his 'other' family gets that she doesn't. If she only got a fiver from her mother, she probably doesn't have a very caring mother, and that's all the more reason for her father to involve himself more.

Onk, on the one had she doesn't waqnt to see your Dh aqs she imagines her mum's feelings will be hurt, on the other hand, she wants to feel the love. Now, you cannot show a child love through seeing them 5 times a year, and besides, she is 13. gifts ARe love.

She sounds grasping TBH

chitchat- exactly what I think, she is a teen, and no doubt I will have it with my DD infuture, when she is older she will realise that we were in for the long haul, and no matter how hard it has been we stuck by here.

FFs she is 13, Her parents have split up,her father has moved away and effectively started a new family. Of course she has massive resentment! Why does your dh only contact her at holiday/special occasions. Even if it feels she isnt reciprocating he should aim to speak to her at least once a week(or email or even old fashioned letter). He should do this because he is the adult in this relationship and it is his duty. I have had experience of this as my parents divorced when very young and had very limited contact with father. Now he sends money for his gcs birthdays/xmas etc but that is it really. I am happy with this because I feel he owes me for being such a poor father, Perhaps your dhs dd feels similiar and that is why she asking for such an expensive gift?.

your husbqand could be sending messages via facebook at least once a week, perhaps a letter.

I have not experience this myself but reading all the answers, pink4ever seems really to make a good point IMHO.

"If she only got a fiver from her mother, she probably doesn't have a very caring mother"

Or maybe she has a mother who struggles to make ends meet?

I agree 100% with Silver1. I'm normally the first to yell "Spoilt brat!", I'm not child-centric and am generally an intolerant bitch wrt other people's children but this, I believe, is different.

I have 2 DDs (13 and 15) and am divorced. I can see a similar attitude from my own DDS (justifiably so in their case, trust me) and they will tell you straight that despite the supposed cynical "take what father offers and smile" attitude they present they would far rather his time and effort than money.

They are painfully aware too that the son of my ex's live-in partner, who the ex has lived with since the boy was about 9 yo, has had SO much more from their father than they have, both financially and otherwise. They are inclined to think that given that their father can take someone else's child on holiday, to Karting meetings, to premiership footie matches, be there with him on his birthday, go to his sports day, buy him an ice cream in the summer holidays, take him to the park, well, that it's not too much to expect that their own father should go the extra mile for them. (He doesn't, btw, sadly).

Perhaps your husband's daughter sees it in much the same way?

Ten to one she feels abandoned and is testing her father rather than being a brat.

social services are involved, when they separated, her mum got involved with drugs bad people etc, they took her 2 children off her, her mother is still the same now, and her contact is supervised. DH contact was supervised for sometime, because he made a hast reply to a question, social services asked him, what will you do if DD is returned to mum, or him? he replied, Id take her, no reason why he couldnt have her, however after split he was living with his mum, so housing etc wasnt stable.
DH contact is unsupervised now, and social services are moving towards weekend etc, which is what she is telling us she wants, but in LACK reviews with her mum there she says different[her mum will never have unsupervised visits, she hasnt changed].
Contacts are set up by social services. And as for contacts via phone, internet etc, she is supervised continually by foster parents, social worker have told us, because foster parents signed an old contract[old system], and is refusing to sign the new one[which states foster parents agreeing to help contacts, phone calls etc], she said she feels they wont sign it, because me and DH are a threat to her, we are a very stable family, and could apply to court to have her living with us[they have become attached to DD], we have recently assured social worker, we would never apply for custoday etc, taking her away from her roots, schooling, friends, so social worker is going through motins to get over nights etc
DH is not a bad father, and has been fighting this from day one

gorionne- yes her mother is uncaring hence why she will never have her daughter again etc. In fact mad as it sounds, foster parents even pick up DD mother for contact at their home, because she poses not threat to them, she is the same person she was when she lost her children, btw DH DD has her DB living with her

Agree with pink4ever. My brother once said (our parents are divorced) that he'll take what he can get (re presents) because my dad is not there for him in any other way.

welsh, she's living a massively disrupted life. that is why she's grasping. She may WANT more stuff but she NEEDS more time. She doesn't live with either of her biological parents - she's in care. She might be in high quality foster care, but they still get paid to look after her.

So, she's a pawn in a game being led by SS and a foster family? Jesus, no wonder the child is behaving in a "difficult" manner. Poor kid.

You recently assured the SW that you wouldn't apply for custody... how does his DD feel about that? Does she know? Does she take it perhaps as a sign that she is unwanted, that you are using her placement with foster as an excuse not to have her?

She may not want to leave her friends and foster family but she may want to be comforted by the fact that she matters enough for her dad to fight for her nonetheless.

I dunno... just my musing, but certainly I feel that your DH is the adult and he must make all the moves to reassure his DD and that she's testing, not grasping.

So the poor girl lives with foster parents?

I tihnk her dad could at least call her every few days, so she feels he cares.

She is 13 and sounds like she's been through a hell of a lot. I tihnk you need to be a bit kinder OP. She's not taking you for a ride, she just doesn't know how most people act in families. To her, presents equal love.

I know colditz, we really are doing our best, a situation her poxy mother has caused. Im completely understanding of her situation, I feel frustrated, that we are trying to do what she is telling us she wants, however, when social worker etc speak to her she says a completely different thing, id give her the earth, buy her everything. However, given she will not make up here mind whether she wants to come to us weekend etc, Im stupid maybe, but thought she would be thrilled with over nights etc

Talk about drip feeding us info welshbyrd! So now you are telling us about the massive instability this child has had to endure during her short life and yet you still think her only problem is being a brat? WTF! She is crying out for love in the only way she knows how. I am also suspicious of the suggestion that the foster parents are deliberately scuppering further contact? I know quite a few fosters parents and have never heard of such behaviour?.Either way as I said in previous post it is entirely up to your dh to maintain contact and do his utmost to be a father to his dd.

Poor kid. I don't think she's taking you for a ride at all. If anyone's been taken for a ride its her.

Teenagers will ask for stuff like this, any teenager will try it on. My 9yo asked for an iphone for Xmas. She can dream on.

Never mind the added problems of how hard it must be for her to see you with her dad and your kids all been a happy family while she's in care. She probably feels quite unwanted and rejected.

So, she's a pawn in a game being led by SS and a foster family? Jesus, no wonder the child is behaving in a "difficult" manner. Poor kid.

You recently assured the SW that you wouldn't apply for custody... how does his DD feel about that? Does she know? Does she take it perhaps as a sign that she is unwanted, that you are using her placement with foster as an excuse not to have her?

She may not want to leave her friends and foster family but she may want to be comforted by the fact that she matters enough for her dad to fight for her nonetheless.

I dunno... just my musing, but certainly I feel that your DH is the adult and he must make all the moves to reassure his DD and that she's testing, not grasping.

Sorry for double posting - I just knocked a vase of lillies all over the table and soaked my laptop, managing to double post as I attempted to dry it off.

overmydeadbody- she contacted us via FB last xmas, first time etc. However, she had a member of her foster parents family on it, and they told foster parents etc, now she is made to use laptop in kitchen supervised. As for phone contact, last 2 mobiles we have bought her, foster parents have changed sim card, so we dont got the number[yes social worker knows], when we had our baby DH phoned her house phone one sunday, to tell her, because she was so excitied etc, foster parents dad answered, DH explained about baby could he have word with her etc, he stated he would tell her about baby, and he shouldnt phone etc, and he would contact socail worker next day, DH phoned SW, and she explained as on old contract[ his refusual to sign new one] he isnt obliged to assist in any contact etc, even though, he picks up DD mother for her contact, [again because she is no threat to him]
overmydeadbody- dont think DD knows about not applying for her, if she wanted us to, we would, was thinking as she is settled etc, would be best for her, its not we dont want her, we would have her in a shot, however, as any contact is almost impossible at mo[contacts only, even though social worker said FB is ok, but foster parent watch her in kitchen to make sure]