Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

Welshbyrd, Could it be the fact that he was very depressed that made SS decide against him having custody rather than the fact he was living with his mum?

StayingFatherChristmasGirl, This is how I understood Op's posts too but here is the post of a FP I was refering too before. I think OP might believe it is a FP rule to supervise and restrict Face book contact when it might actually be a SS demand for the FP to do so.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake Sun 12-Dec-10 16:19:19

""Well I'm a foster carer and it seems to me that you're planning on going about this all wrong.

1. Has he been attanding the LAC reviews - they are every six months - has he missed any?

1. He asks in the review for telephone contact - social services decide that (or a court does) - foster carers don't. He asks in the review for contact in person.

1. He should not ask her if she wants to come and live with him - that is not a suitable question - he should just apply to the court.

If he has not attended the reviews, if he has been daft enough to just threaten to take her, if he has tried to usurp contact by trying to phone the land line and by giving her phones to contact her then he is simply doing the WRONG THING.

I've had foster children who have come back from contact with phones and facebook addresses - they are not allowed to use them unless social services explicitly give permission.

There is only one way to do this - go through social services to get what you want or the court.""

I can't understand why your DH didn't get a flat and have his DD live with him. I don't know anyone that would let their child go into care rather than rent a flat. How could DH's mother let her grandaughter go into care? If space was the issue, couldn't DD have your DH's bedroom and he could have slept on the sofa while he sorted out somewhere to live? They sound vile.

More to the story. It's a fucking disgrace he didn't fight for her. I wouldn't be able to be with a man who left his child in care.

'I would NEVER leave my DC in care, they would never end be in that situation, that SS would feel they have to intervene'

What if you were to die? What if you developed severe psychiatric problems? What if you suffered an accident or illness that left you physically unable to care for them? These are horrible things to think about and nobody thinks it'll happen to them.

'''Chipping came about - DH left childrens mother, a few weeks after she was involved with drugs''

Later in the thread you say she started drugs after he left.

You sound to me like someone who is desperately back peddling and saying whatever you think makes your dh sound less like a useless twunt.

If you are covering for him and making excuses it suggests you know deep down he is useless. He is useless for the record.

So dd couldn't go to gm because they had no relationship but your dh allowed her to go to fc she had never met. Ffs woman THINK about it and don't just accept whatever crap your dh feeds you!!!!

ladybiscuit, i don't thihnk she'll mind me sayign this, but isn't that what reality's X did, he was a serial family man.

Liz, I think that the OP was saying that DH left the children's mother and a few weeks AFTERWARDS she was doing drugs, not that he left the mother following her taking drugs.

Agree with the rest of your post though. :(

No, but if any of those happened to the OP, would her H step up and be a responsible father?

If it's true that he spent weeks at a time moping in his room back then, it's possible he has his own (past) mental health problems. He still should have got himself sorted out so he could be the best father he was capable of being, though.

The point is, welshbyrd, SS don't just intervene in families with 'bad' parents. Any of us might at some point need their help, through no fault of our own.

nottirednow - I don't think it helps to make more excuses for this man. He is not helpless, he is an adult and he needs to take some responsibility. Seems like it's everyone else's fault but his

Does your husband really think his daughter is taking him for a ride?

lizbert, that can be read to say she started on drugs after the H left, change 'after' to 'later'. OP phrases some stuff oddly :)

"DH left childrens mother, a few weeks after she was involved with drugs''

Lizbertnobacon - '''Chipping came about - DH left childrens mother, a few weeks after she was involved with drugs'' Later in the thread you say she started drugs after he left.

Not necessarily backpeddling - 'a few weeks after' can still be read as a few weeks later - the Op has been a bit off with some of her grammar (no offence op) - TBH at first I thought english might not be her first language.

"PlentyofParsnips the DSD's father is none of those things though is he."

aswer to

"What if you were to die? What if you developed severe psychiatric problems? What if you suffered an accident or illness that left you physically unable to care for them? These are horrible things to think about and nobody thinks it'll happen to them."

Maybe if he really was very depressed he was not sound enough of mind to do all the things he should have done at the time? I suspect that the more times goes on the hardest it gets to do it as well(and maybe to be credible in some way).

Welsh why have you only met your dsd once? Presumably you got married before you had your child together so you've been married for what, 3 yrs? It would be helpful to have a time line for your story as it doesn't make much sense tbh.

I went into care and my father never once applied for custody.

If you don't think his DD knows exactly what kind of man he is already, you're as a big a twat as he is.
She'll never forgive either of you, I hope you realise that.

Ah I see, oops sorry!

I still think the op makes excuse after excuse though!

I didn't know that Valium :( but I'm not that surprised - my ex is not the only person I know whose dad has done it. Some men just can't cope with the fact that their relationship fails, even if there are children are involved

SS are not inflammable, do you actually have a solicitor working on this ? It's entirely possible you are misunderstanding the information, god knows it's complicated or being lied to.

do you mean infallible?

Either could apply

I agree with homeboys.
You need to make a massive commitment to increase contact levels and make it clear that you are very unhappy with the current amount of contact.
If she has been living with the same foster parents for 6 years of course she wouldn't want to move straight in with you - she hardly knows you (either of you really) but after a period of consistent regular contact, residency could be applied for.
At her age they would of course take the views of the child into account and of course she may not want to move but it is also about showing that she is very much wanted and a part of your life.
I would seriously consider moving closer to her but if not possible then do not allow social services to use that as a reason to limit contact.
If the foster parents are being obstructive and limiting telephone calls when they shouldn't then you must take it further.
Having some experience of social services myself, it is a hard struggle and you will both have to be very strong and committed to at the very least increasing the amount of contact - she definitely deserves more.
Try Families need Fathers / Fatherhood institute for more advice.
Don't overspend at christmas - show her she is loved by making a commitment to fighting to spend more time with her